Adam Silvera

Adam Silvera (born June 7, 1990) is an author of young adult fiction.

• I don’t ever see any character as 100 percent good or 100 percent evil…
  • On writing compelling characters in “Adam Silvera: How I Write” in The Writer (2016 Dec 19)

• Some people like ‘happily ever after,’ but I don’t think that’s me. I’m always writing from some difficult place and seeing how the character survives … or doesn’t. When I really want to be comforted myself what I look for is a story about how somebody could survive something really difficult. There are happy stories out there but I think some of them may raise false expectations for teens…
  • On avoiding happy endings in “Four Questions for Adam Silvera” in Publishers Weekly (2017 Jan 19)

• All stories that are centring queer kids and their experiences are all valid whether it’s dealing with the trials of having parents who aren’t as welcoming about it or parents who are totally chill about it, which is obviously the hope for all teenagers. I think there are some things that could be said too, especially culturally, like there’s a lot of stigma in the Puerto Rican community that fathers especially are so hyper masculine that they will always be uncomfortable with their children being gay…
  • On addressing the full scope of queer experiences in “Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera Interview” in The Little Contemporary Corner (2018 Nov 20)

• I succeeded in making you care. If you feel nothing, I failed you as a storyteller. I love happy endings, but some readers need the darker stories, too. The stories that don’t make them feel disturbed by their own reality because it doesn’t reflect what they’re used to seeing in fiction. There’s some comfort in harsher stories, and witnessing how one character rebuilds after tragedy can provide hope for the reader.
  • On what he aims for as a storyteller in “History Is All You Left Me Author Adam Silvera Talks Second Books and More with Nicola Yoon” (Barnes & Noble; 2017 Jan 19)

• The Death-Cast universe is my favorite universe that I've created. It was born out of my fear of unexpected death and has ultimately changed my perspective on life. I make bolder choices in my life, almost like I have nohing to lose, but I could definitely take more risks. One of the worst parts about creating this universe, though, is that I spend so much time in it, and it's not real! I truly wish Death-Cast existed, and I often have to remind myself that it doesn't.
  • Interview with Robbie Couch, as quoted in an afterword section of The Survivor Wants to Die at the End (2025), New York: Quill Tree Books, hardcover first edition, p. 714

• Robbie Couch: After meeting Paz and Alano as children in The First to Die at the End, readers got to follow their journey as teens in this book. What was the most exciting- or agonizing- aspect of writing each character?
  Adam Silvera: Okay, well, Paz Dario is the most Adam Silvera character I've written since Aaron Soto in More Happy Than Not. That was my debut novel, and it's not uncommon for a writer's first protagonist to be modeled after them and their life, but I definitely didn't expect to feel this connected to a character in my tenth novel. I haven't written a suicidal protagonist since Aaron, so to be doing it again a decade later with Paz definitely came with a lot of baggage, especially since my mental health was at a terrible low. This novel was so painful to write because it kept me locked in that headspace. Sometimes I'd write a scene and then I couldn't go back to the manuscript for days or, in a couple cases, weeks. This novel was ultimately therapeutic but, wow, so, so, so hard to write.
  • Interview with Robbie Couch, as quoted in an afterword section of The Survivor Wants to Die at the End (2025), New York: Quill Tree Books, hardcover first edition, p. 714-715

• The other element was Paz's borderline personality disorder, which I modeled after my own experiences. I received my diagnosis in 2020, as if that year wasn't hard enough, and while I was strangely grateful to discover that my worldviews and behaviors were linked to a disorder instead of all my negative impulses and reactions being me and nothing but me, it was still really suffocating and made me feel powerless. What was extra hard about writing Paz's BPD is that while I have the perspective of someone who went through dialectical behavior therapy, Paz doesn't, so I had to keep forcing him to make the wrong choices since he's yet to learn how to self-regulate. It broke my heart and made me feel so cruel as the author, but it was important to make sure BPD was reflected accurately to help others better understand how the headspace of someone with the disorder might think. I love Paz so much and I feel so protective of him, which, in retrospect, became a big lesson for me because if I can love this fictional character so much, I needed to show my very real self that same love.
  • Interview with Robbie Couch, as quoted in an afterword section of The Survivor Wants to Die at the End (2025), New York: Quill Tree Books, hardcover first edition, p. 715

• Robbie Couch: A lot has changed since They Both Die at the End was published in 2017. How have the last eight years of real-world changes affected how you've written the series?
  Adam Silvera: I never thought I would get super political in this series, but as I was expending the world and creating the Death Guard and pro-natural ideologies, I couldn't help but draw from the information wars this country has been facing. I truly hated how easily it was to create a cult that hates the truth.
  • Interview with Robbie Couch, as quoted in an afterword section of The Survivor Wants to Die at the End (2025), New York: Quill Tree Books, hardcover first edition, p. 718

New York: SoHo Teen.

• It's storming outside right now. I stare out the window. I can't tell you if it rained yesterday or even what day it is. It always feels like I'm waking up, minute after minute, like I'm in my own little time zone. But as I trace my smiling scar- unable to do so without remembering the time Thomas poked two eyes onto my wrist with dirt- I still have hope in what Evangeline and Leteo hope for, too. And while I wait, happiness exists where I can get it. In these notebooks, where worlds of memories greet me, almost like a childhood friend who moved away for years and finally came back home. I'm more happy than not. Don't forget me.
  • p. 293

Because You Love to Hate Me: 13 Tales of Villainy. New York: Bloombury. Edited by Amerie; 13 short stories were contributed by different authors. Adam Silvera wrote "You, You, It's All About You", pages 254-269.

• You've made a name for yourself. And no one remembers the old one.
  • p. 254

• Hiding doesn't bother you. If believers never see God's face, why should they see yours?
  • p. 254

• You smile and return to Franklin's body. Maybe he's not exactly a dragon. Maybe you're not the angel your client believed you to be. But this life is still one of your own design, and that's the way you like it. You roll the Trance seed around your fist, imagining what life you'll design for him next. Every name he's worn so far will remain good and buried, but he's in excellent hands with you. The world knows this. You'll make a new name for him. And no one will remember the old ones.
  • p. 269

New York: SoHo Teen.

• You're still alive in alternate universes, Theo, but I live in the real world, where this morning you're having an open-casket funeral. I know you're out there, listening. And you should know I'm really pissed because you swore you would never die and yet here we are. It hurts even more because this isn't the first promise you've broken.
  • p. 1

• And if bringing up the past annoys you now- as I know it did when you left New York for California- know that I'm sorry, but please don't be mad at me for reliving all of it. History is all you left me.
  • p. 1

• To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that's all.
  • Oscar Wilde, p. 1

• I hear police sirens and keep pedaling. I hope something else is happening. I give it a few more minutes before I take a break, stopping between a McDonald's and a gas station. It's mad bright, maybe kneeling over here is stupid, but staying in plain sight might be a good hiding spot. I don't know, I'm not James Bond, I don't have some guidebook on how to hide from the bad guys. Shit, I'm the bad guy.
  • Rufus Emeterio, p. 69

• I want more time, more lives, and this Rufus Emeterio has already accepted his fate. Maybe he's suicidal. Suicide can't be predicted specifically, but the death itself is still foreseen. If he is self-destructive, I shouldn't be around him- he might actually be the reason I'm about to clock out. But his photo clashes with that theory: he's smiling and he has welcoming eyes. I'll chat with him and, if I get a good vibe, he might be the kind of guy whose honesty will make me face myself. I'm going to reach out. There's nothing risky about saying hello.
  • Mateo Torrez, p. 73

• I am a little concerned about spending my End Day with someone who's accepted dying, someone who's made mistakes. I don't know him, obviously, and he might turn out to be insanely destructive- he is outside in the middle of the night on a day he's slated for death after all. But no matter what choices we make- solo or together- our finish line remains the same. It doesn't matter how many times we look both ways. It doesn't matter if we don't go skydiving to play it safe, even though it means we'll never get to fly like our favorite superheros do. It doesn't matter if we keep our heads low when passing a gang in a bad neighborhood. No matter how we choose to live, we both die at the end.
  • Mateo, p. 79

• A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
  • John Shedd, p. 81

• "This is pointless," Tagoe says in the back of the cop car. He's no longer sucking his teeth or shouting about how he did nothing, the way he did when the handcuffs first went on, even though Malcolm and Aimee urged him to shut up. "They're not gonna find Rufus. He'll dust them on his-" "Shut up." This time Malcolm isn't worried about extra charges coming Tagoe's way. Malcolm already knows Rufus managed to get away on his bike. The bike wasn't there when they were being escorted out of the house. And he knows Rufus can dust the police on his bike, but he doesn't want them keeping an eye out for boys on bikes and find him. If they want him, they're gonna have to work for it.
  • Malcolm Anthony, p. 87

• It's possible Mateo not being a daredevil will keep us alive longer, but I'm not banking on it being a memorable End Day.
  • Rufus, p. 106

• Thank you for everything, Dad.
  I'll be brave, and I'll be okay.
  I love you from here to there.
  Mateo
  • p. 114

• It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
  • Marcus Aurelius, p. 225

• Twelve hours ago I received a phone call telling me I'm going to die today. In my own Mateo way, I've said tons of goodbyes already, to my dad, best friend, and goddaughter, but the most important goodbye is the one I said to Past Mateo, who I left behind at home when my Last Friend accompanied me into a world that has it out for us. Rufus has done so much for me and I'm here to help him confront any demons following him- except we can't whip out any flaming swords or crosses that double as throwing stars like in fantasy books. His company has helped me and maybe mine will help him through any heartache too. Twelve hours ago I received the phone call telling me I'm going to die today, and I'm more alive than I've ever been.
  • Mateo, p. 227

• If you're close enough to a Decker when they die, you won't be able to put words to anything for the longest time. But few regret spending every possible minute with them while they were still alive.
  • Officer Andrade, p. 293

• No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.
  • Steve Jobs, p. 299

• "That's not our story." Mateo squeezes my hands. "We're not dying because of love. We were going to die today, no matter what. You didn't just keep me alive, you made me live." He climbs into my lap, bringing us closer. He hugs me so hard his heart is beating against my chest. I bet he feels mine. "Two dudes met. They fell in love. They lived. That's our story." "That's a better story. Ending still needs some work." "Forget about the ending," Mateo says in my ear. He pushes his chest away from mine so he can look me in the eye. "I doubt the world is in the mood for a miracle, so we know not to expect a happily-ever-after. I only care about the endings we lived through today. Like how I stopped being someone afraid of the world and the people in it." "And I stopped being someone I don't like," I say. "You wouldn't have liked me." He's tearing up and smiling. "And you wouldn't have waited for me to be brave. Maybe it's better to have gotten it right and been happy for one day instead of living a lifetime of wrongs."
  • Rufus, p. 345

• I wake up feeling invincible. I don't check the time because I don't want anything to shatter my survivor spirit. In my head, I'm already in another day. I have beat Death-Cast's prediction, the first person in history to do so. I put my glasses back on, kiss Rufus' forehead, and watch him resting. Nervous, I reach for his heart, and I'm relieved it is still beating: he's invincible too. I climb over Rufus and I bet he would kill me himself if he caught me leaving our safe island, but I want to introduce him to Dad. I leave the room and go to the kitchen to prepare tea for us. I set the pot over the stove's burner and check the cabinets for tea selections and decide on peppermint. When I switch on the burner, my chest sinks with regret. Even when you know death is coming, the blaze of it all is still sudden.
  • Mateo, p. 347

• Mateo is dead. That was no way for him to go out. Mateo should've gone out saving someone, because he was such a selfless person. No, even if he didn't die a hero's death, he died a hero. Mateo Torrez definitely saved me.
  • Rufus, p. 354

• Mr. Torrez,
  I'm Rufus Emeterio. I was Mateo's last friend. He was mad brave on his End Day.
  I took photos all day on Instagram. You gotta see how he lived. My username is @RufusonPluto. I'm really happy your son reached out to me on what could've been the worst day ever.
  Sorry for your loss,
  Rufus (9/5/17)
  • p. 366

• The hourglass is almost out of sand. It's getting creepy. I'm picturing Death stalking me, hiding behind cars and bushes, ready to swing his damn scythe. I'm mad tired, not just physically, but straight emotionally drained. This is how I felt after losing my family. Full-force grief I have no chance pulling myself out of without time, which we know I don't have. I'm making my way back to Althea Park to wait this night out. No matter how normal that is for me, I can't get myself to stop shaking 'cause I can be alert as all hell right now and it won't change what's going down mad soon. I also miss my family and that Mateo kid so much. And yo, there better be an afterlife and Mateo better make it easy to find him like he promised. I wonder if Mateo found his mother yet. I wonder if he told her about me. If I find my family first, we'll have our hug-it-out moment, and then I'll recruit them in my Mateo manhunt. Then who knows what comes next. I throw on my headphones and watch the video of Mateo singing to me. I see Althea Park in the distance, my place of great change. I return my attention to the video, his voice blasting in my ears. I cross the street without an arm to hold me back.
  • Rufus, p. 368

Chapel Hill: Algonquin Young Readers. Edited by Kelly Jensen; the chapters were written by 33 different authors. Adam Silvera contributed the chapter "Happiness Goes On" from page 181 to page 185.

• "Why are your books so sad? You seem so happy!" I've gotten variations of this question ever since publishing my first book. The people who are confused about how I can write about so much sadness when I appear to be leading a happy and charmed life are the same people who are confused about how a comedian could be so depressed that they've died by suicide. The happiness someone wears and puts out into the universe should never be trusted to be the same amount of joy one has within.
  • p. 181

• My dream was turning on me. I wanted to be better than my failures and I wanted to be two times better than my successes. One of my favorite people recognized I was becoming too defined by my career and told me to take a step back, to return to being "Adam Silvera, human who writes, not writer who humans." That was exactly what I wanted but I couldn't get there instantly. My warped perspective on my career and expectations for it, both internal and external, were preventing me from appreciating the true victories of being a writer- like someone telling me they enjoyed my work. Like someone else telling me my work saved their life.
  • p. 182

• It's not uncommon for me to sink when good things are happening in my life, something I'm positive others experience, as well. That rewarding high can leave you wanting more and when "more" doesn't show up, you're left disappointed. After the book's publication, dozens of these moments eventually avalanched and left me feeling worthless and hopeless and crushed and alone despite having some of the greatest friends ever.
  • p. 182

• It took me hours to finally work up the nerve to call. I didn't feel justified because I wasn't an immediate danger to myself. But as my mentor told me: I was indeed at risk during these very charged days, and it was important that I build relationships with professionals instead of carrying all this unchecked weight by myself. I also hesitated to call because I felt as if some of my reasons- which I'm keeping to myself- were stupid and weren't worth their time. I really hope anyone reading this understands that if your "stupid" reason is eating you alive, then it's far from stupid. I hope we can all be smarter about this in the future.
  • p. 183

• Writing has always been my outlet. Whether I was exploring an idea or seeking therapy it's what I have always done, and will likely continue to do, whenever I need to relieve myself of whatever is weighing me down.
  • p. 184

• I write sad stories for teenagers because young adults need to see that there is no such thing as a happy ending when you're that age. Because your life is more than your teenage years. And that when we say "It Gets Better" it doesn't mean "Everything Gets Solved." It means you will still carry the weight from when things weren't good, but you will be stronger for it the next time you're unhappy- and that time will come. I want to show the battles that people go through. And I can't think of a better way to show young people that you can be strong enough to survive and survive and survive and survive than to write a character who overcomes their darkness.
  I write sad stories so I can be a living, breathing example that someone who looks happy on the outside isn't always happy on the inside. I write sad stories because my own life is a story that's still going on.
  • p. 185

New York: HarperTeen. All quotes are from the 2020 hardcover edition.

• I'm dead set on living my one life right, but I can't say the same for my brother. No one's expecting Brighton to be full-grown when we turn eighteen at midnight, but he needs to step it up.
  • p. 1

New York: Quill Tree Books. All quotes are from the 2021 hardcover edition.

• I drink every last drop of Reaper's Blood while looking up at the Crowned Dreamer. The elixir smells like burning bodies and tastes like iron and charcoal. The blood from the century phoenix, the golden-strand hydra, and the dead ghosts is heavy on my tongue like mud. My throat is burning and I'm this close to spitting out the rest, but I force myself to swallow it because this Reaper's Blood is game changing. I wasn't lucky enough to be born with powers- to be born a celestial. But now that I've absorbed these creature's abilities, the world will get to welcome me as their new champion- a one-of-a-kind, unkillable specter.
  • p. 1

New York: Quill Tree Books. All quotes are from the 2022 hardcover edition.

• That night, I signed up for Death-Cast. Now I'm just hoping I won't be one of the first to get an inaugural End Day call. If I am, at least I'll know it's game over, I guess. Until then, I'm going to live it up.
  • Orion Pagan, p. 3

• "You can chill with us if you want," I offer. "Some company would be nice. You sure you don't mind?" "Hell no. It's not like you know anyone else in the city." "I'm actually very popular. My landlord is pretty much my best friend." "I can't wait to meet him," I say, which is just so damn bold. "He's actually the worst, but I'll have to have you over soon anyway," Valentino says with that damn smile.
  All right, all right, all right- if this isn't a thing, then I'm giving up on ever making the first move again. I'm going to need a guy to swear on my parents' grave that he loves me, and I won't even tell him that those plots are empty so that he doesn't get funny and lie. But because Valentino's got me weak, I wouldn't need all that. His smile alone has got me cashing in.
  • Orion, p. 40-41

• Death-Cast isn't calling Orion because he's not going to die today, and I think I know why.
  This night is unfolding like a photo shoot coming together. For once, I'm not the subject. I'm the photographer, and everything is zooming into focus, like I'm switching out lenses until I land on the best one. The background is still blurry, but if I adjust the aperture just enough, light enters and exposes the true model of this photo shoot. The boy with the constellation name. I've only seen some of his stars at work, but I understand the beauty. Orion is the focal point, so I stare at him and the sharpness of his hazel eyes and the hunched framing of his body, and once everything is aligned, just like stars in a constellation, everything becomes clear.
  "You're going to live," I say. "Until tomorrow, I guess." "You're going to have much longer than you think." "So you got some psychic Death-Cast powers or something?" "No, but I think destiny brought us together so I can change your future." "I don't get it." "You don't need the waitlist anymore, Orion. I'll give you my heart."
  • Valentino Prince, p. 134-135

• There's a knock at the door, and Valentino and Dr. Emeterio enter. This is it. Suspense really isn't good for someone with my condition, and every second of silence is brutal. "What's up?" I ask, wanting to get this over with, one way or the other. "It's nice that something good will come out of this," Valentino says, pressing his hand to his chest. My heart skips a beat, two, ten, a hundred, a thousand, a million, and somehow, I don't die on the spot. In fact, I'm going to live. I'm going to live, live, liv, live, live, live, live, live, live, live, live, live.
  But first, he has to die.
  • Orion, p. 147

• I came out as gay to Scarlett first moment alone when she was recovering at the hospital. "I love you, Val" was all Scarlett said out loud, and her knowing gaze said everything else. I'd wanted to come out to my parents that afternoon too, but they spent so much time praying at my sister's bedside that I knew I should wait. A couple days after Scarlett was home, I knew I had to make my move so I could get everyone to adjust to our new normal instead of returning to our old normal, where I had to be closeted. I sat my parents down in the living room and came right out with false confidence. It was tricky to tell if they already knew. I had thought about all the times my father would say "He's a queer" as an insult or how my mother suspected any single older man must be gay if they weren't married with kids. There weren't any knowing gazes from my parents like there were with my sister. But there were lectures- lots and lots of lectures with the headline being that I'm doomed to damnation if I choose sinning over Christ. Will my parents still tell me I'm going to Hell once they discover it's my End Day? I'll get my answer soon.
  • Valentino, p. 452-453

• I'm going to live a first- the first time I talk openly about my life.
  • Valentino, p. 457

• They both to the screen like they can't control themselves, like magnetism.
  "You're probably wondering why this is news to you since I've known since midnight. It's because I was willing to die without telling you because I don't believe you care about my life. I am your only son. Your firstborn. The reason you became parents, and you have never even tried to love me once I told you I'm gay."
  "They both wince, like I've said a bad word. Like I'm bad.
  "There will come a time when you have to reckon with how you made me so unwelcome that I moved away. But I want to thank you for being so unloving because it pushed me out of your house and into the arms of a boy with the biggest heart. He's made sure my last day on this planet is filled with the love and kindness I deserve, and I'm going to spend what's left of my life with him even if that means I'm going to hell when it's all done."
  • Valentino, p. 457-458

Short story published with the 2022 Collector's Edition of They Both Die at the End.

• Teo tries standing, but he can't get himself to rise. He won't walk away from his wife and son. He wants to sink six feet under. Teo looks at his son's inscription again, and remembers how he lived. If Teo had been awake on Mateo's End Day, then Mateo wouldn't have met Rufus. Then Mateo wouldn't have discovered a happiness that hadn't crossed his path before. Mateo's life wouldn't have changed before he died.
  • p. 41

• If there's any comfort that Teo feels about missing out on one last chance to say goodbye to his son, it's this. He would have loved the opportunity to express how proud he was of Mateo, how incomplete he would feel without him. But Mateo knew all of this. Teo finds pride in knowing that in the time he got to father Mateo, his son didn't die wondering how he felt about him. This would have been true without Death-Cast's existence, reminding everyone to be authentic in their lives, to let people know how they feel about each other, and to not wait until the last possible moment to speak their heart's truths.
  • p. 41

• Teo is coming to terms with the fact that not being able to father Mateo doesn't mean he can't be a paternal father figure to others. Such as Lidia whose parents still aren't involved in her life. Or Penny whose father and godfather have passed too soon. Maybe even these Plutos that Teo has been hearing about in honor of Rufus. He knows this is what Mateo would have wanted. Mateo lived for everyone, and now, Teo will live for Mateo. Teo kisses his wife's and son's headstones. He points at the space between their headstones and then up at the sky. "I love you from here to there."
  • p. 41-42

New York: Quill Tree Books. All quotes are from the 2025 hardcover first edition.

• For those who feel like liars when they talk about the future. Take one day at a time.
  • Dedication

• If you're suffering and need help, reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. If you still don't feel good after the first call, then hang up and call again. And again and again and again until you're safe from harmful thoughts. I have made those calls myself in the past, and I'm here to tell you that today.
  Let's go to tomorrow together.
  • Author's Note

• Death-Cast never calls me to tell me I'm gonna die. I wish they would.
  • Paz Dario, p. 3

• If I'm so young, why does life feel so long?
  • Paz Dario, p. 187

• This is a beautiful view of Los Angeles. The City of Dreams. Everyone has a dream, even those of us who've given up on them. I look up at all the glittering stars, wishing they could've made my dreams come true, but I'm the only one in this world who can give me what I want. I unzip my backpack and grab my gun.
  • Paz Dario, p. 194

• I don't have a good feeling about this. I should turn around, but I creep toward the gate, watching as the boy climbs a ladder up the Hollywood Sign. It's unlikely he's only planning on sightseeing this close to midnight. Then there's a gunshot, and for a moment I believe the boy has already killed himself when I realize it's only the powerful memory of Harry Hope's suicide. I wasn't able to save him, but I can try to save this boy. I will save this boy.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 199

• Everyone wants something to live for, there is not a soul that does not; even those who wish to kill themselves would stay alive for the right reasons.
  • Joaquin Rosa, p. 341

• "Tell me, mi hijo. What does your dream End Day look like?"
  It's been a while since Joaquin asked Alano this question, the last time during his seventeenth or eighteenth birthday, if memory serves him right, and while Joaquin's own vision of his dream End Day has not changed since Death-Cast began, that does not mean his son wouldn't grow up to want more.
  "I want a life worth remembering." Alano's eyes light up like he's picturing his End Day now. "I don't want highlights to be all the cool things I did. I would trade skydiving anywhere in the world in a heartbeat for a walk in the park with my soulmate. I want to grow up and grow old with someone who will hold my hand as I die on my End Day."
  Like father, like son.
  • Joaquin Rosa, p. 341-342

• I like how thoughtful he is. I really need someone like him in my life. And then I remember him taking off his shirt, and I think about how I really, really, really need someone like him in my life.
  • Paz Dario, p. 352

• As I learn to love myself, I can't help but freak out over if I'll fall in love with him too, and whether that will be heart-healing or heartbreaking.
  • Paz Dario, p. 355

• How to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder.
  This was one of the most important questions I sought answers for today. It can be difficult sifting through the range of opinions found across medical journals, blogs, and podcasts, but everything I've explored so far seems to be in agreement that the best ways to serve a friend with borderline personality disorder are to validate their emotions, identify their triggers, and encourage professional help both for their benefit and as a boundary to protect yourself.
  It turns out the best way to be a friend to someone with borderline personality disorder is to simply be a good friend.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 356

• Paz rocks back and forth as the tears start spilling. "Maybe if my dad had made me feel safer then I wouldn't have shot... I would've thought twice... I, I-" I pull Paz into a hug, and he cries into my neck. "You deserved better." "Or I got what I deserved," Paz wails. Holding Paz as he grieves the life he truly deserved is making me die inside.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 382

• "No," Alano says firmly. "Your disorder isn't your fault." "Okay, but come on, let's do something fun-" Alano grabs my hands. "Tell me your disorder isn't your fault." "It kinda is, right? BPD is created by trauma, and I shot my dad, that was a choice I made-" "Your disorder isn't your fault," he interrupts. "I gotta take some blame-" "Your disorder isn't your fault."
  I stare into Alano's beautiful eyes, promising myself to try to see myself as he does. To always be honest and show him who I am so he forgives me whenever my disorder takes over like some demonic possession. "My disorder isn't my fault," I say, voice cracking.
  "No, it's not," Alano says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders again, proving that he sin't trying to get rid of me. He only wants to hold me close.
  • Paz Dario, p. 384-385

• Alano laughs. "Were you checking me out online? Maybe because you think I'm cute?" I stare at his Gotcha smile. "I don't know what you're talking about. Alano stands, and the cabin rocks. I tell him to sit down, but he's still smiling. "Do you really want me dying without knowing the truth?" "Okay, fine, I think you're cute, Alano." My heart is pounding so damn hard as Alano howls triumphantly. It definitely doesn't calm down when he finally sits, because now he's sitting next to me, the balance shifting. "I can now die happy," Alano says. "You should know that your face is cheating." "My face is cheating?" "Yeah, you got two different color eyes. That makes anyone hot." "Now I'm hot?" Alano asks. How high is too high before a person is not getting enough oxygen? I'm gonna guess it's as high as we are now.
  • Paz Dario, p. 386-387

• Dane comes over, going through his protocol of what his supervising will look like through the park. Basically, where Alano goes, Dane goes, which we figured, but he'll allow for some exceptions, like select roller coasters and dining. If we go our own way, that's on us. "If you see anyone suspicious, alert me." "How do we know if someone is suspicious?" Rio asks. "We didn't go to spy school." "Weren't you an aspiring detective?" Dane asks. "Key word is 'aspiring.'" Dane swallows a sigh. "Suspects will have tells. It can be anything from a disingenuous smile to lure you into a false sense of security, saying too much to distract you from a threat, excessive fidgeting or sweating, avoiding eye contact or downright staring-"
  "What if they're staring because we're all beautiful?" Rio interrupts. Dane glares at him. "You're included in that!" Dane keeps glaring.
  • Paz Dario, p. 428

• "I'm just nervous about getting recognized," I say. "Does that happen often?" Rio asks. "It's happened a lot, especially since that shitty docuseries." "Maybe someone will recognize you as your character and not your-" Rio stops himself. "Myself?" "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry," Rio says. "Alano's gaze is hidden behind his sunglasses, but I'm pretty damn sure he's glaring at Rio, who apologizes again. "Here are the facts, Paz. If anyone knows you from Grim Missed Calls, they're unlikely to detect you because you dyed your hair. The chances of you being recognized by casual movie viewers is also slim since you're, you now, older than when you starred in my favorite scene in the entire franchise." I doubt that part is really a fact, but it's sweet. "You're safe with us." I take a deep breath. That perspective does help a lot. "Okay, I got this." "You got this," Alano says. "And if you don't, Dane will make your harasser disappear," Rio says. Dane doesn't deny that.
  • Paz Dario, p. 439

• Fortunately or unfortunately, no matter your view, Death-Cast does exist. This is something I've wrestled with too for more than half my life. I've seen firsthand the good that Death-Cast has done as well as the bad, but to pin every death on the company would be like blaming the Wright brothers for every plane crash. I know better than to challenge Rio on his choice knowing it was born out of grief.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 455

• "It was too late for Antonio and Lucio to get close, but we're spending more time together now that my fate is up in the air. We're stronger brothers today than we could ever become on an End Day." There's no arguing with those results. There have been studies that show people will wait until the last minute before they act on their personal relationships, believing they have all the time in the world until they discover they don't. Rio is actually living as we all should.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 456

• There is no telling someone that the death of a loved one isn't enough of a reason to undo the world, but my heart is breaking that Rio has fallen into these conspiracy holes. I want to reach in and pull him out. To save him.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 460

• Death-Cast didn't call me, but if Rio doesn't stop fucking with a suicidal killer, he might find out that living pro-naturally means dying pro-naturally too.
  • Paz Dario, p. 463

• I wanted harmony when bringing my worlds together, not this collision.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 464

• "It's for the best," Rio says, watching Paz vanish into the crowd. "Are you going to say that if he dies?" I ask. "I'm more scared of him being the death of you." He steps toward me, and I not only back up, I turn the other way, running after Paz to save him and our own future.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 466

• How can you be so brilliant, Alano, and so clueless?
  • Paz Dario, p. 470

• I'm blinded by lights. It's not the police coming to arrest me. It's the media here to destroy me. If I'd known surviving would lead me here, I would've pulled the trigger.
  • Paz Dario, p. 483

• "You're the one who got so moved over the fear of losing me and now you're walking away?" I ask, following Rio as he walks past the fountain and down toward the gate. "Is this how you feel? If you can't have all of me then you want none of me?" Rio stops in his tracks and whips around to face me. "Do you really expect me to stand around and watch you fall in love with another boy?"
  That's the knockout blow that takes me out for so long that I don't notice Rio is gone until the gate door slams shut. First Ariana, now Rio. I no longer have best friends. Or Paz. This is the most alone I've been in years. The poet Alfred Tennyson wrote about how it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I could really use a poem about losing everything because of love.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 495

• Self-harming isn't helping. What I really wanna do is hurt someone else, and that thought is so fucking scary. I wanna punch Bodie; I wanna punch the producers; I wanna punch Orion. Sometimes a thought is just a thought, but sometimes I don't think, I just act, and if my actions are about hurting other people, then I gotta put an end to this before I truly become Dad. My life has always been hard, but I believe more than ever that ever that I was supposed to die before Alano interfered because everything has only gotten worse. It's like time travelers are trying to right that wrong, so they've organized a shitstorm to wash out any hope for living, including getting dragged on social media, news vans violating my privacy, Make-A-Moment rejecting me, and my dream of being Death in Orion's movie officially killed.
  Message received.
  I gotta return to the Hollywood Sign to finish what I started.
  • p. 497

• "It will all work out, mi hijo," Pa says. "That's what you said about Ariana," I say. Word for word, I should add. "Life's pains do not heal overnight," Pa says, stealing glances at my bandaged arm. "But they will all heal."
  • Alano Rosa, p. 498

• I wai for Ma to threaten that she won't ive in this world without me like Ms. Gloria did to Paz, but I'm relieved that it never comes. No matter how hard life would be if I died, I want my mother to keep going. Paz feels the same way about his mother. "I'm coming back to you, Ma." "I believe your intention, but I don't know your fate. If you go to Paz, do you trust him with your life?" After hearing my mother's story about the Death-Cast secret, it's only made me feel more confident in taking this leap of faith to be there for a boy who I fully trust isn't a Death Guarder. "I trust Paz with my life," I say. "Then go get peace of mind that he isn't harming himself and wishes no harm on you."
  • Alano Rosa, p. 503-504

• I've gotta be hallucinating because I'm seeing the guy I was never supposed to see again. His green eye and brown eye are staring at me in shock too. He's wearing a gray hoodie and baggy blue jeans with a brown leather satchel hanging from his shoulder. One hand is balled into a fist like he's about to get his revenge hit- or like he was about to knock on the door. Every rapid thought about the guy coming for revenge flies out of my head when I see something in his other hand thats as unbelievable as him being here.
  Alano holds up the star rug from the market. "I figured you needed this now more than ever," he says sympathetically- no, lovingly. I unfreeze, but instead of taking the star rug, I break down crying, and even though I don't deserve to ever touch him again, I ask, no, I beg, "Can I hug you?" "Yes," Alano says. I step into his arms, ignoring all the pain that is supposed to be warning me away from guys like him, and I sob as he pulls me even closer against his body, like we're one person.
  I will lie and lie and lie to anyone, but I can't lie to myself about how much holding Alano feels like hanging on for dear life so I don't fall off the Hollywood Sign.
  • Paz Dario, p. 508

• I'm on edge, scared of learning more, but if there's a world where I can have a future with Alano, even just as a friend, I can't be haunted by his past with Rio. And if I'm ever gonna confront this, it's now, when Alano is still in LA to ground me.
  • Paz Dario, p. 519

• I cry about wanting to die, about wanting to be reincarnated as my mom's new baby, and about wanting the fresh start that winning my trial compromised. I wanna self-harm so bad, I don't even care how. Cutting. Burning. Smashing Orion's big-ass book into my head over and over. Anything can be a weapn, which is frightening. "I'm so scared of myself," I cry out, hating my brain for making me my own greatest enemy. "You don't have to be," Alano says, locking his arms around me. I'm a sword, and he's my shield, protecting me from myself.
  • Paz Dario, p. 542

• Unfortunately, scars don't just appear out of nowhere. They are all wounds first. Some painful, others not. The loud cries of her son let Gloria know that Pazito's wound has been ripped open again before it can heal; she's grateful that his wound is metaphorical, not physical, but pain is pain. A body needs a survivor's spirit to keep it alive. Only then will it heal, only then will it close all wounds, only then will it scar, and only with time can a scar fade. one day, Gloria and Pazito will be survivors with faded scars, but today is not that day.
  • Gloria Medina, p. 545

• "My End Day is coming up," Paz whispers. "No one knows their End Day in advance," I say. I never have, and I definitely don't now. "This Friday, July thirty-first. The day I killed Dad is when I'm destined to kill myself." "You're not destined to take your own life, Paz." "I am. That's why Death-Cast hasn't called. It wasn't my time yet." "Now isn't your time either. We're living to one hundred, remember?" "I'm not strong enough to keep surviving, Alano." "We're building your strength. You'll be starting DBT and-" "No, I..." Paz sobs, his body caving in. "I feel like a liar when I talk about the future."
  • Alano Rosa, p. 547-548

• I refuse to let the only future Paz believes in be the one where he kills himself.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 548

• Death-Cast didn't call last night, but if I had to die, I'd love for it to be in Alano's arms. It took forever to fall asleep, but Alano soldiered through the night with me. And now he's staying in LA. I roll over in bed, wanting to wrap my arms around him, but he's gone. My chest tightens. Did he break his promise and abandon me? I check my phone, and there's no missed call, no text explaining himself. I gotta ground myself. Alano wouldn't ghost. Ghosts don't hold you all night and beg for you to live.
  • Paz Dario, p. 550

• If I'm gonna have any chance of surviving past Friday, I'll need to finally embrace all the people working to keep me alive: my mom and stepdad, who need me around to be a big brother to their baby; my therapist, who can guide me through my borderline brain; my psychiatrist, who can up meds or prescribe something better; and now the boy who has become my life coach and the shield to my sword.
  • Paz Dario, p. 553

• Andrea is not delusional. She knows she is guilty of many crimes, more than Joaquin is aware of himself, and his investigation will discover some, ensuring her incarceration, and the remaining crimes Andrea shall take to her grave. She doesn't fear death, but she does fear for her daughter's future. That is why Andrea Donahue is at a campaign rally, ready to tell the world her truth (even if her truth is built on many lies) so she can not only exact revenge against Joaquin Rosa, but use her voice to help elect Carson Dunst as the next president, all so he can pardon her if she is to be convicted.
  • Andrea Donahue, p. 558

• As the audience cheers for Andrea, she heads toward the stage's exit, snaking around Carson Dunst. "Pardon me," she says, trading winks with the next president of the United States. Then she basks in the chants for the death of Death-Cast, knowing she has played her role in destroying their reputation, but the true destruction is yet to come.
  • Andrea Donahue, p. 561

• Past alarming thoughts are getting stronger and stronger, like a Death-Cast alert ringing through my head. I'm the only one who knows my full story no matter what my father believes.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 606

• I'm up against a world that doesn't know me but hates me anyway, but I'm gonna keep fighting until my life looks like my dream obituary. But if I fail at getting cast in a mega-hit franchise or winning an Oscar or receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, this life is still worth living because of Alano Rosa. And one day- one day really fucking soon- I can't wait to tell Alano how much I love him.
  • Paz Dario, p. 614

• If Joaquin thought he was losing power over Alano before, he now knows he is completely powerless as Alano and Paz stare into each other's eyes like Deckers who have fallen in love on their End Day. He can only hope these boys will not be the cause of each other's deaths.
  • Joaquin Rosa, p. 616

• The best apology isn't words. The best apology is action taken to make things right.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 622

• Paz is quiet. I should have discussed this with him privately. I definitely don't want to pressure him into doing promotions for a company that upended his life, I only want his wounds to heal. Everyone around the world will see this campaign. Maybe that's a bad thing. The last thing I want is to invite more chaos into Paz's life. Now I'm scared I'm doing just that.
  Paz walks up to my father. For a moment I'm nervous he's going to hit him, but he shakes his hand instead. "Thank you," he says before hugging Ms. Gloria as Mr. Rolando cheers.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 623-624

• My father comes over and shakes my hand too. "Excellent negotiating, mi hijo," he says. "I have taken your words to heart, and I hope you see that I can be receptive to your needs. I cannot help but be overprotective as your father, but I will work harder to find a balance that allows you more freedoms. It would mean the world if you will reconsider giving Death-Cast your full commitment, both in its service and in one day serving."
  If I'm granted the life I want, I can see myself leading in the future. "Maybe," I say. "I will do what I can to regain your confidence," my father says. That is a long road, but it's as if we've walked miles of it tonight.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 624

• There are some Deckers who manage to live perfect End Days, but not everyone's got a life where you can get a happy End Day. Some of us got wounds and brains and hearts that need more than twenty-four hours to heal. Days, weeks, months, even years. That time can be suffocating, and planning those futures can feel like telling lies, but love saved us tonight, and as long as we stay together, love will keep us alive.
  • Paz Dario, p. 705

• The thing is, I can remember my entire life. This includes before I was technically born. This might not seem significant to anyone that I can remember being in the womb except for the fact that while it's true that my father has never told me the secret to Death-Cast, he did tell my mother while she was pregnant. I've known the secret since before I was born, before I could absorb the words, before I could make sense of what was said. My parents stopped talking about the secret around me when I was four because they were scared of me learning it, which only made me keep my own secret from them. On the first End Day, I went into the Vast Vault at Death-Cast to see the secret for myself. I shouldn't have gone in. If I hadn't, the Death's Dozen might be alive today. I don't know. All I know is that love will not survive once Paz discovers I ruined his life.
  • Alano Rosa, p. 707

• For all the booksellers and librarians who've supported me this past decade, I'm so grateful that you've kept this dream of mine alive and well. And lastly, for all my readers, but especially the ones who have struggled with life. You know who you are. I know who you are. There are so many more pages in our stories, so please don't close the book. Keep turning and turning and turning.
  • Acknowledgements, p. 713