Henry Beard
Henry Nichols Beard (born June 7, 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.
Quotes
- Perennial: Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
Latin for All Occasions (1990)
- Latin for All Occasions, 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.
- Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
- Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades.
If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.
- Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
- Anates tuas in acie instrue.
Get your ducks in a row.
- Lege atque lacrima.
Read-em and weep.
- Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
- Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
- Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum.
I can't get no satisfaction.
- Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
- Quantum illae stolae pependisti?
You paid how much for that dress?
- Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
- An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.
- Hidden Latin Insults
- Podex perfectus es.
Claim it means: You did a terrific job.
What it really means: You are a total asshole.
- Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought.
What it really means: You have shit for brains.
- Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.
Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you.
What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
- Phony ailments
- Taedium pellucidorum.
An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.