Melissa & Joey

Melissa & Joey (2010–2015) is an American sitcom, which aired on ABC Family (now Freeform). The series title reflects the actors’ names, not their characters’, as it follows local politician Melanie “Mel” Burke (Hart) and Joseph “Joe” Longo (Lawrence), whom Mel hires to look after her niece Lennox Scanlon (Taylor Spreitler) and nephew Ryder Scanlon (Nick Robinson) after a Ponzi scheme run by Mel’s sister and brother-in-law leaves Joe broke. On August 5, 2015, Freeform cancelled the series after 5 seasons. Freeform aired the final episode on August 5, 2015.

Mel: (voiceover) “Melissa & Joey” is recorded in front of the live studio audience.

(Mel comes back home from Austin’s)

Joe: Hey.

Mel: (annoyingly sighs)

Joe: And good morning to you.

Mel: (pointing at the basket) What the hell is that?

Joe: Oh, that’s a bribe from the Buchwalds. Yeah, they’re still trying to woo me over there to be their full-time nanny.

Mel: (reading) “We long for you, Joe Longo.”

Joe: (laughing) Isn’t that funny?

Mel: (reading) “From the Buchwald family, Zev, Sienna, Liam, Alexa, Tessa and Tucker.” Oh, look at us. We’re one huge happy family. (mockingly laughing) Show-offs. Take your muffin basket and shove it, Buchwalds.

Joe: Oh, I see that night at the spa did wonders for your mood.

Mel: Austin had a vasectomy.

Joe: They do that there? I mean, they do the whole seaweed wrap thing. I just didn’t realize it was so tight.

Mel: Not last night. When he was 25, he decided he never wanted to have kids.

Joe: Wow. I’m sorry, Burke. Jeez, that sucks. Man, the biggest decision I made at 25 was to grow a goatee. (chuckles) It was awesome by the way.

Mel: You know what, Joe? You just made a very good point. You don’t have that goatee now. You are a different person in your 30s than you were in your 20s. You’ve changed. You know, maybe Austin could change too.

Joe: No, no, no, no, no. What-Wh-What Austin shaved off, no man can grow that back.

Mel: Or can he?

(She goes into the living room)

Joe: No, no, no, Mel. He really can’t. It’s…

Lennox: Let me out.

Ryder: Where’s the essay?

Lennox: Just move.

Ryder: Nope. My job is to keep you here writing. That’s what my boss says. Between you and me, she is a total b… big sister.

Lennox: I need to go, okay? I got an emergency text.

Ryder: What kind of emergency?

Lennox: Zander needs a kiss. He looks so sad and lonely.

Ryder: Oh, let me see. (taking her phone) Yup.

Lennox: Hey! No…

Ryder: No boyfriend for you.

(He tries to put it on the top of the door)

Lennox: No.

(Ryder is putting the whipped cream in each bowl as Mel comes to see them)

Mel: So what’s for dinner?

Ryder: Here you go.

Mel: Okay, that is the bowl of whipped cream. That’s not a meal.

(Ryder pours the pretzels in)

Ryder: Now it is.

Mel: You really expect me to eat this? (eating the pretzel and the whipped cream) Oh, man, that’s good.

Ryder: Told you. I know what I’m doing.

Lennox: Wait, I thought you were going out to dinner with Joe.

Mel: Joe had to work tonight. He’s always on call. But I’m okay with that. You know, dating a Manny is like dating a doctor… except with the income, status, or access to drugs.

• Melissa Joan Hart – Mel Burke
• Joey Lawrence – Joe Longo
• Taylor Spreitler – Lennox Scanlon
• Nick Robinson – Ryder Scanlon