This is ridiculous. My problem is as per the title. Trying to var_dump or print_r the $_POST superglobal yields an empty array.
Take a look at my form:
<form method="post" action="" class="login">
    <fieldset>
        <dl>
            <dt><label for="loginEmail">Email</label></dt>
            <dd><input type="email" id="loginEmail" name="loginEmail" maxLength="32" /></dd>
            <dt><label for="loginPassword">Password</label></dt>
            <dd><input type="password" id="loginPassword" name="loginPassword" maxlength="64" /></dd>
            <dt></dt>
            <dd><input type="submit" value="submit" class="button" /></dd>
        </dl>
    </fieldset>
</form>
I don't see anything wrong with it. The name attribute is intact, and I'm posting to the same page, yet POST continues to be empty. It's worth noting I have another form on another page with similar syntax which works. 
For example:
if (!empty($_POST)) {
  echo '42';
}
Does not run.
Any ideas?