If I correctly understand you example you have a situation similar to what I show below based on the example from the merge function.
> (authors <- data.frame(
      surname = I(c("Tukey", "Venables", "Tierney", "Ripley", "McNeil")),
      nationality = c("US", "Australia", "US", "UK", "Australia"),
      deceased = c("yes", rep("no", 3), "yes")))
   surname nationality deceased
1    Tukey          US      yes
2 Venables   Australia       no
3  Tierney          US       no
4   Ripley          UK       no
5   McNeil   Australia      yes
> (books <- data.frame(
      name = I(c("Tukey", "Venables", "Tierney",
                 "Ripley", "Ripley", "McNeil", "R Core")),
      title = c("Exploratory Data Analysis",
                "Modern Applied Statistics ...", "LISP-STAT",
                "Spatial Statistics", "Stochastic Simulation",
                "Interactive Data Analysis",
                "An Introduction to R"),
      deceased = c("yes", rep("no", 6))))
      name                         title deceased
1    Tukey     Exploratory Data Analysis      yes
2 Venables Modern Applied Statistics ...       no
3  Tierney                     LISP-STAT       no
4   Ripley            Spatial Statistics       no
5   Ripley         Stochastic Simulation       no
6   McNeil     Interactive Data Analysis       no
7   R Core          An Introduction to R       no
> (m1 <- merge(authors, books, by.x = "surname", by.y = "name"))
   surname nationality deceased.x                         title deceased.y
1   McNeil   Australia        yes     Interactive Data Analysis         no
2   Ripley          UK         no            Spatial Statistics         no
3   Ripley          UK         no         Stochastic Simulation         no
4  Tierney          US         no                     LISP-STAT         no
5    Tukey          US        yes     Exploratory Data Analysis        yes
6 Venables   Australia         no Modern Applied Statistics ...         no
Where authors might represent your first dataframe and books your second and deceased might be the value that is in both dataframe but only up to date in one of them (authors).
The easiest way to only include the correct value of deceased would be to simply exclude the incorrect one from the merge.
> (m2 <- merge(authors, books[names(books) != "deceased"], 
               by.x = "surname", by.y = "name"))
   surname nationality deceased                         title
1   McNeil   Australia      yes     Interactive Data Analysis
2   Ripley          UK       no            Spatial Statistics
3   Ripley          UK       no         Stochastic Simulation
4  Tierney          US       no                     LISP-STAT
5    Tukey          US      yes     Exploratory Data Analysis
6 Venables   Australia       no Modern Applied Statistics ...
The line of code books[names(books) != "deceased"] simply subsets the dataframe books to remove the deceased column leaving only the correct deceased column from authors in the final merge.