Abbott Elementary season 3

Seasons: 1 2 4 5 | Main

Abbott Elementary (2021–present) is an American mockumentary school comedy, airing on ABC, about a group of teachers brought together in one of the worst public schools in the country, simply because they love teaching.

Barbara: They're not all bad.

Jacob: I think they're cool.

Ava: Mnh.

Gregory: I actually like them this year.

Melissa: Shocking.

Ava: I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.

Janine: Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

Barbara: Ava! Your needed in the gym!

Melissa: Yeah, there's a bunch of teachers in there saying Princeton's better than Harvard.

Ava: OH HELL NO!

[Ava runs out of the office.]

Melissa: Okay, we have like two minutes so can you please fill us in on the rest of this genius plan?

Barbara: Ava said she stopped listening to the Town Women.

Gregory: City Girls.

Barbara: But I know there's one song she cannot resist. Jacob, whip out the Walkman.

Jacob: Phone.

Barbara: Open up Napster.

Jacob: Spotify.

Barbara: Jesus, close your ears. Come on.

[Ava runs into the gym.]

Ava: Princeton is the Temple University of the Ivies!

Barbara: Now Mr. Johnson!

Mr. Johnson: Let go of your butts!

[The lights turn on and Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" starts playing with Ava dancing]

Melissa: Yeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?

Janine: Oh, you guys don't have to do that.

Jalen Hurts: Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!

Janine: They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?

Jalen Hurts: Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.

Barbara: Good morning. Good morning. (Gasps) Good morning.

Tariq: Good morning Mrs. Howard.

Barbara: Tariq.

Tariq: Huh?

Barbara: What are you doing here? Janine's down at the district now.

Tariq: Dang, she moved to D.C.?

Barbara: And take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.

Tariq: You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.

Barbara: To quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.

Tariq: And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O'Neal, his biological didn't bother. See, I've been dating his mama for like seven weeks, so technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now. Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?

Melissa: Mm.

Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.

Captain Robinson: Nah, but this is a real problem.

Gregory: Mm-hmm.

Janine: Yeah.

Melissa: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?

Ava: Yeah, what you, a French child?

Curtis: The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.

Ava: A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.

Curtis: Not on any of the signs I saw.

Jacob: What?

Kid 1: It just seems like most drugs aren't that bad.

Caroline: Fine, you can smoke a little! Just don't do opioids.

[Everyone shakes their head in disagreement]

Kid 1: My grandfather is on opioids.

Caroline: Drugs from a doctor are okay.

Kid 2: My mom's on Valtrex.

Caroline: That's fine, your mom has herpes.

Everyone: HEY!

Ava: Lady, are you high?!

Mr. Johnson: We used to be the Three Musketeers. But now I'm one musketeer, and they're just two, that don't invite me to things.

Ava: Ooh, ooh.

Jacob: Look, guys, I don't know. She just said she's dropping by with a special surprise.

Melissa: Yeah. Plus this is Philly. I mean, you can't hock a loogie without hitting something historic around here.

Barbara: I just don't feel good about you giving out your address to strangers online. It's not safe.

Barbara: You and Jacob living together is I know it's God's will, but he's gotten awfully creative.

Barbara: Give me the ball. Three, four, five. And shoot!

Tariq: Alright. Well, uh, that's gonna bring Abbott's score to a negative-2 at the bottom of the first, y'all. Educator of the year, folks. Ugh. We are not just losing. We are getting smoked. You cannot lose a panel. This is like every other panel that's ever existed.

Janine: As you all know, my fellowship at the district is coming to an end.

Ava: Ooh, girl, don't remind me. My doomsday countdown clock is set to the day that you're back.

Janine: Stop.

Gregory: You know, we make a really good team.

Janine: Yeah, we do.

Ava: We all know the real reason you came back is to see Questlove.

Janine: Ava, Questlove is not coming here.

Ava: Ava Fest, on the other hand, is going to be special. I just have to come up with a way to take it over the top. A way to make it unhinged.

Melissa: Have you ever tried just being hinged?

Emily: There will be cake, there will be fun.

Simon: There will be blood oaths!

Ava: I have an exciting announcement, Abbott. Today is the long-anticipated return of one of our faves, cinnamon buns in the cafeteria.

Students: Good morning.

Janine: Hey, Alex.

Barbara: Book club was Ava's idea.

Man: Make some noise!

Vanetta: Hey, girl.

Mr. Johnson: Barbers. I hate 'em. Who do you think did this to me?

Melissa: Look at 'em. Those Liberty kids keep cutting our kids in line.

Jacob: She was being rude. I get it now.

Ava: Last but not least.

Janine: Where is it?!

Barbara: I am the captain now!