Abbott Elementary season 4

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Abbott Elementary (2021–present) is an American mockumentary school comedy, airing on ABC, about a group of teachers brought together in one of the worst public schools in the country, simply because they love teaching.

Barbara: But we're gonna let them have their space because, clearly, they need it.

Children: (together) Butterfly!

Ava: Look, I gotta listen to y'all complain all damn day. "We want books. We want paper towels in the classroom."

Jacob: Trigger warning, one of my students has ringworm.

Barbara: Ringworm?!

Melissa: D'oh! Get back.

Gregory: Cancel classes and shut Abbott down.

Janine: Gregory really hates ringworm, but we all have our words.

Mr. Johnson: No one's getting past me.

Jacob: I did not have ringworm.

Janine: Jacob, we have to protect the entire school.

Jacob: This is not fair.

Barbara: The last time you washed your legs.

Mr. Johnson: I love you, Jacob. But I will beat you down.

Janine: We asked the district for funding, they gave us $50 for class pets instead.

Janine: Watch out for this one. He's a biter.

Melissa: He didn't bite me.

[The hamster bites Janine's finger.]

Janine: God.

Janine: It's Halloween here at Abbott, and some of the costumes can be a little risqué, so I have a box full of backups. I want everyone to have a shot at winning the big costume contest that's later today, so I need to make sure they're both age and fear appropriate.

Melissa: But she's been doing that since before I even got here.

Gregory: Fight night!

Janine: Our student decided to fight Gregory.

Melissa: The Deli across the street is being turned into a freaking smoothie shop.

Gregory: Which one. Smoothin' on up? Unblended knee. It's not fruit groups, is it?

Janine: He knows so many different smoothie shops.

Melissa: Nope, It's gonna be a fruit, there it is.

Janine: After weeks of hard work and sleeping under my desk a few nights, I did it.

Barbara: Ava, take down that tree. And Janine, get back under your desk. We are not doing a Christmas-themed show anymore.

Melissa: Melissa really is the best of us, and I'm just a lowly piece of (bleep) god.

Melissa: Hey, what the hell are you doing here?! I told you weren't invited to this.

Captain Robinson: I respect your wishes. Paramedics got a death alert ring from this house.

Janine: Welcome to Abbott Elementary, the best elementary school in the universe.

Dennis Reynolds: Hey, quick question: Um, what's the deal with all the cameras?

Ava: We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on. Don't worry about it.

Dennis: No! No. I don't think so. I know quite a bit about filming and consent and I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera, thank you very much.

Jacob: Let me know if there's anything you need. And I mean "anything".

[first lines]

Jacob: Yeah, according to this, it could be the final tour. Moving from news to opinion, I hope she does perform live again, but I don't think she owes that to her fans after all she's given to us. You like Britney, Billy?

Billy: No.

Jacob: Oh. That about wraps up the Daily Jacob. Hey, how about that SEPTA strike, huh? You think that's gonna happen?

Billy: Nah, it's usually just all talk.

Jacob: Well, as a union man myself, I stand beside ya.

Billy: Behind the line.

Jacob: Yeah. I stand behind you. You know, the thing about Britney that people don't understand-

Billy: Okay. This is your stop.

Jacob: Oh, no. No, I’m- I’m not for, like, four more blocks. I'm with them.

Billy: End of the line.

Jacob: This is a block where I got roundhoused.

Jacob: RJ, he's just... just your average kid, Billy. You know, he takes SEPTA just like you and me. So I'm gonna figure it out. And you know why, Billy?

Billy: Oh, let me guess. Because it's your damn job?

Jacob: You are such a good listener.

Billy: Yeah, well, legally, I'm not allowed to wear headphones.

Jacob: Oh! Time for news updates. (exhales sharply) Oh. Wow. That c- That can't be right. It says that SEPTA's demands went unmet, and they called the strike.

Billy: That's news to me.

Man: (over walkie-talkie) Attention, drivers. The city failed to meet our very reasonable demands. We will be going on strike. Stand by for further updates.

Billy: Well, it looks like you gotta get out, Jacob.

Jacob: Oh, my God. It- It's happening now?

Billy: Yeah, seems that way. Yeah. Gotta stand by the working man. Can you do that?

Jacob: Proudly. I believe in you.

Woman: Do we got to get out?

Jacob: Oh! How exciting! It's historic!

Woman: Do we got to get out?

Billy: No, no, no. You guys are good. Strike doesn't start 'til tomorrow. But for him, it starts today.

Jacob: Wait! Billy!

[final lines]

Melissa: I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. Or numbers I do know.

Ava: I hate bosses. That’s why I became a principal, so I don’t have any.

Gregory: You have bosses.

Ava: Point to them.

Mr. Johnson: I plan on spending the rest of the day remote cleaning.

O'Shon: I’m working on upgrading the routers and putting in range extenders. Although, it seems like your router is already in great shape.

Ava: Everything about me is.

Janine: She can be the sun and the moon and the planets. She just can’t be the Milky Way because she’s lactose intolerant. Which I can relate because, uh, Milky Way? More like milk, get out of my way. Right?

Man: It's been tough to be our neighbor. I am here to invite you to our golf course preview.

Man: Are you finding everything to your liking?

Janine: No.

Mr. Morton: Can we glue some jelly beans on it?

Gregory: Well, how many times have you seen jelly beans on a volcano?

Janine: I've never seen a volcano.

Melissa: Neither have I, but I'm pretty sure there's no jelly beans on them.

Melissa: Yeah, I don't know. It's just lacking, like, a "wow" factor.

Janine: Are you familiar with the Vegas Sphere?

Melissa: No, but I think this is good.

Janine: Oh, it's gonna blow!

All: (together) Aaaaahhhh!

[Final lines as the volcano rumbling sound effect is heard, and when the volcano erupts, the volcano explodes and shoots out lava.]

Janine: What's wrong, Gregory?

Gregory: I'm not sure, but you're trying to kick at my guy.

Janine: I don't know. It's an ordinary day to me, Playboy.

Gregory: We're kidding.

Janine: Yeah. We know, it's Valentine's Day!

Ava: Didn't buy tickets. Don't want to see the show.

Janine: Alright, class, can anybody tell me what number we are celebrating tomorrow?

All: (together) 100.

Janine: That's right. We will be celebrating 100 days of school. The 100th day of school is a big to-do nowadays. In order to beat the "when is summer break" blues, the students dress up as 100-year-olds and have a parade.

Gregory: It's a less scary Halloween.

Janine: Now, 100 pennies is a...

All: (together) Dollar.

Tariq: My son was excited to read that book to me at bedtime.

Barbara: And why are you going to sleep before your son?

Tariq: I am sleepy.

Ava: Fire, y’all! Head towards the exits. The plot of Fahrenheit 451 is upon us!

Barbara: Attention, everyone.

Janine: Attention, everyone.

Barbara: I need a final head count for karaoke.

Mr. Johnson: I'll be there. I like big butts, but someone out there thinks I'm lying about it. And I gotta set the record straight.

Janine: Good morning.

Barbara: Go ahead and sign in on the, the new iPad.

Janine: Hoagie Hole has been shut down. Do not go there.

Barbara: I just want to thank you all for bearing with me these last two classes while I develop the lesson plan.

Kids: You're welcome.

Janine: We are having a car wash to raise money.

Janine: Here you go.

Janine: We're going to the district to get Ava her job back.

Jacob: We can discuss the facts or what happened all day, until we're blue in the face. You know?

Gregory: We're going to the Please Touch Museum.

Jacob: I said if you're ready to have some fun, let me hear you!

Gregory: The Please Touch Museum is for babies.

Jacob: What?! No way.

Melissa: It's like Disney World but for kids.

Barbara: Mr. Johnson loves it. He's decided to come with us.

Mr. Johnson: I don't wanna go there, it's for babies.