Dan Vs. (season 1)

Seasons: 2 3 | Main

Dan Vs. (2011-2013) is an American animated television series created by Dan Mandel and Chris Pearson. The series was about a rude, crude, and scruffy curmudgeon named Dan who tries to get revenge on anyone and anything that angers him.

New Mexico [1.01]

Dan: [first lines] Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the 1st place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe... NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!
[Dan and Chris are at a library]
Dan: None of this is helping!
Chris: Shh!
Dan: Don't shush me. You don't shush me! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!
Chris: Shh! [Dan hits him with a book] Shh! [Dan hits him with a book again, then Dan ends up getting in a fight with Chris, and the librarians throw Dan and Chris out of the library] Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.
Dan: You get used to it.
Chris: Now what? You still need information.
Dan: Don't be stupid. We go to a different library.
Chris: [stomach growls] I need lunch first.
Dan: It's 10:00 in the morning.
Chris: It's 12:00 somewhere.
[Dan and Chris are at another library]
Dan: Hey, Magellan, the books are that away.
Chris: I want to ask that librarian. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.
Dan: Help us? For free?
Chris: That's what they do.
Dan: Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.
Librarian: May I help you?
Dan: I doubt it.
Librarian: May I help you, sir?
Chris: Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.
Librarian: Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.
Dan: He's talking in code! GET HIM! [he tries to get the librarian but Chris stops him]
Chris: It's not code, Dan. It's the Dewey Decimal System.
Dan: Which is a code!
Chris: Well, yes, but- but it's a benign one.
Dan: So he's just talking about books?
Chris: He is a librarian.
Dan: Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?
Chris: We need some specific information.
Dan: How do we hurt New Mexico?
Librarian: Why would you want to do that?
Dan: It's personal.
Librarian: Personal vendettas against states? Sure. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.
Dan: Thank you, good sir. I- wait a minute! Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers. I told you this guy couldn't help us.
Librarian: I didn't say that. I can help you, but I want something in return.
Dan: Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks.
Chris: Let's hear him out.
Librarian: You see that goon over there? He's got a new girlfriend.
Dan: So?
Librarian: It's my wife.
Chris: Uh, we- you know, we really only came in for a book.
Librarian: You want help with something, I want help with something.
Dan: And this guy just mulls around your library?
Librarian: Silently mocking me.
Dan: The gall!
[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]
Chris: All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?
Dan: Dan. [speaking gibberish]
Elise: Something on your mind, Dan?
Dan: How come she gets to sit in the front seat?
Chris: Because that's our car.
Dan: That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?
Elise: You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.
[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]
Little Elise: My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!
[Elise's flashback ends]
Dan: Hello? I asked what it did to you?
Elise: I don't want to talk about it.
Dan: You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!
[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]
Chris: [while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.
Dan: It really is.
Chris: Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.
Dan: Blink.
Elise: Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.
Chris: Did he give you money for that?
Elise: No, but don't worry. I have enough.
Chris: I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-
Elise: Chris.
Chris: Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.
Elise: Chris, remember what we talked about?
Chris: Which time?
Elise: About eating healthier.
Chris: Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?
Elise: It does.
Chris: Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get one thing.
Elise: Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--
Chris: Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes
Elise: Okay.
Chris: With cookies in them.
Elise: Chris.
Chris: It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.
Elise: Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.
Chris: ...Dan said we were having burgers.
Elise: If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!
Chris: [stammers] I mean, it depends.
Elise: Don't jump off a cliff!
Chris: Well, I wasn't planning on it.
Elise: But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!
Dan: [gets inside the truck] That's the last one.
Chris: [yawns] About time. I'm getting sleepy.
Dan: New Mexico, consider yourself fired. [he throws the lighter out of the truck, but it ends up on the truck's floor causing him and Chris to leave the truck, then the truck drives away itself to explode the hot air balloons]
Chris: Dan! Are you alright?
Dan: No! I just realized I threw away my good lighter.
Chris: You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?
Dan: It was nice. I liked it.

The Wolf-Man [1.02]

[Chris is gardening his plant while Dan is calling him]
Dan: [on the phone waiting for Chris] Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened.
Chris: Hello?
Dan: Chris, get over here.
Chris: Dan. I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.
Dan: I'm not going. I have been wronged.
Chris: Again?
Dan: I can't believe it either. I demand vengeance.
Chris: Who is it this time?
Dan: The worst, most devious subhuman of them all.
Chris: The mailman?
Dan: Close. The Wolf-Man.
Chris: The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies?
Dan: Like the movies, but a real one.
Chris: Uh-huh.
Dan: Just get over here.
Chris: Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore, so-
Dan: GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! [Chris hangs up and Dan calls him again] I SAID NOW!
Dan: What took you so long?
Chris: Nice to see you too!
Dan: Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!
Chris: There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.
Dan: How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!
Chris: There's an animal shelter right there.
Dan: Look!
Chris: Those are sneaker prints.
Dan: Exactly!
Chris: Exactly what?
Dan: What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!
Chris: So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.
Dan: He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!
Chris: If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?
Dan: Obviously, he runs like this!
Chris: He doesn't run like that in the movies.
Dan: [angrily] THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES! THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD! THE WOLF MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!
Chris: Why next month?
Dan: Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?
Chris: So what are we doing today?
Dan: NOTHING! GO HOME! [he leaves to his apartment]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment on Halloween night]
Dan: Never mind. I don't need your help. The situation is under control.
Little Boy: Help!
Dan: Quiet!
Chris: Who's that?
Dan: The Wolf-Man. I caught him.
Chris: You caught him?
Dan: Mission accomplished.
Little Boy: Help!
Dan: Quiet! You can go.
Chris: [angrily arrives at Dan's apartment and finds a little boy hung upside down] Oh, Dan, this is not okay.
Dan: What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man.
Chris: This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater.
Dan: Of course he's the Wolf-Man. Look at him.
Chris: Does he have claws?
Dan: No.
Chris: So how did he scratch your car?
Dan: Maybe he grows claws.
Chris: Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolf-Man!
Dan: Of course there is!
Chris: There is not!
Little Boy: I want to go home!
Dan and Chris: [yelling] QUIET!
Chris: You can't go kidnapping children. And, you, don't you know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult?
Dan: Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there. You could end up on a milk carton.
Chris: [frees the kid] Awfully sorry about this. [the boy kicks him] Ow!
Dan: Well, at least you're here to help me with the- Wolf-Man! There he is! Get him!
Little Boy: Trick or- [screams as Dan begins to chase him]
Chris: Dan, stop! That's a yeti.
[Dan and Chris chase the little boy thinking he's the Wolf-Man]
Little Boy: Help me!
Dan: He's reverting to human form.
Police Officer: [as he sees Dan and Chris chase the little boy] Oh, right. I'm a cop. Hey!
[Dan and Chris end up in jail for chasing the little boy]
Dan: This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.
Chris: That's very reassuring.
Dan: Don't get snippy.
[Dan and Chris are in the lobby with the police officer]
Police Officer: Alright. Now, which one of you is Chris?
Chris: That's me, sir.
Police Officer: Okay. So we have a wallet, keys, a comb.
Chris: Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.
Police Officer: A locket with a picture in it.
Dan: [seeing the locket with Elise's picture] Hey, that's not me.
Police Officer: 3 bouillon cubes, 2 beef, 1 chicken.
Dan: Really?
Chris: There might be a soup-related emergency.
Police Officer: Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.
Dan: Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important?
Police Officer: I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year.
Chris: Good book. Not all of it works, though.
Police Officer: Now what else? Okay, so are you Dan?
Dan: Give me my stuff.
Police Officer: Okay. We got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma. Also I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.
Dan: What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone. You can't treat me like this. I know people who pay taxes. And where are my knucks?
Police Officer: Brass knuckles are illegal in California and the rest of the country. They've been confiscated.
Dan: [angrily] Confiscated? Confiscated?
Chris: [whispering] Dan, don't.
Dan: [angrily] CONFISCATED?! [he throws a tantrum messing things around the police station like kicking a trash can and ripping paper off the bulletin board] I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU?! I'M GOING TO CONFISCATE THIS WATER! [drinks water] WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? HOW DARE YOU?! WELL, I'M CONFISCATING THIS AND THIS, [steals the envelope and pen] AND I'M CONFISCATING YOUR HAT!
Police Officer: Sir, do not reach for my hat.
[Dan takes the police officer's hat of him and wears it, but the police officer teases him with a stun gun]
Chris: [while driving home] I am so tired.
Dan: That is just like you. One minor run-in with the law, and you're set to give up. Not me, pal.
Chris: Give up? Now I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.
Dan: And let the Wolf-Man roam free?
Chris: Oh, for the last time, [the wolf howls] there’s no- [Dan covers Chris' mouth]
Dan: Shh! Did you hear that?
Chris: Probably a dog.
Dan: Drive north. North, you monkey! [Chris drives in the other direction towards the freeway as he and Dan are stuck in traffic] Ow! Oh, come on. How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?
Chris: Halloween. Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations.
Dan: I hate everyone.
Chris: You don't hate everyone.
Dan: I do. I hate everyone.
Chris: All that anger's not good for you, you know. It's eating you alive.
Dan: You know what you can eat?
Chris: I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know. I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures.
Dan: He's not mythical. He scrat-
Chris: I have put up with an awful lot.
Dan: My car! He scratched my car!
Chris: I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more. I'm out!
Dan: You're stupid.
Chris: Next time, you should have one of your other friends help you.
Dan: Like who?
Chris: I don't know. How about your friend Ted?
Dan: He's not talking to me right now.
Chris: You know, people struggling with dangerous- [as the Wolf-Man is seen rushing past their car]
Dan: That's him! [he sees the Wolf-Man stops as he stares at him, he gives an evil smirk as the Wolf-Man glares, causing him to glare back, and the Wolf-Man glares some more, giving a growl before howling and jumping on 3 cars]
Chris: That's the Wolf-Man.
Dan: Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich.
Chris: What kind of sandwich? [Dan steps on the gas petal as he speeds up the car] Watch out! Stop it! Let go! [he drives off and goes on a wild chase with the Wolf-Man]
Dan: You let go!
Chris: It's my car!
[the Wolf-Man jumps over more cars as Dan and Chris skid out of control]
Dan: We're going to lose him!
Chris: Then let me drive!
Dan: Fine!
[the car swerves some more causing a donut as the Wolf-Man is seen waiting at a stoplight waiting for the light to turn green as Dan and Chris accidentally run over him as Chris stops the car, he and Chris lean forward to see if they hit him, but the Wolf-Man's paw reaches on top of their car and they gasp, the Wolf-Man inches closer towards them and growls while breathing on Chris' windshield, roaring, Dan and Chris scream when Chris hits the reverse on the shift and they back up, as the Wolf-Man falls off the car, dazed as he runs off]
Dan: What are you doing? Get after him!
Chris: I can't move!
Dan: AAARGH! [he kicks Chris out of the car and drops him off the road]
Chris: You are coming back, right?
Wally: [after being shot by an arrow] What maniac shoots a guy in the butt with an arrow?! Bunch of filthy animals in this town.

The Ninja [1.03]

[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies as the Ninja is following him]
Dan: Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.
[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies]
Ninja: Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]
Dan: Hey! What the-!
Woman: Umm, drinking problem much?
Dan: There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before] NINJA!!!
Chris: Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.
Dan: Is it?
Chris: Is it... morning?
Dan: I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.
Chris: A ninja?
Dan: Pancakes!
Chris: Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?
Dan: Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
Chris: Do ninjas do that?
Dan: This one did.
Chris: But how - How did you know it was a -
Dan: He was in pajamas.
Chris: I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?
Dan: Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.
Chris: If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!
Dan: What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!
Chris: I don't break your plates.
Elise: [walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?
Chris: Almost ready.
Dan: I get mine first.
Elise: Hi Dan, you're up early.
Dan: I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.
Elise: I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
Dan: You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]
Chris: My table!
Dan: Now tell me it's not a ninja.
Elise: The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?
Chris: What was that?
Elise: [closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.
Dan: Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?
Chris: What?! I'm always helping-
Dan: Papapap!
Elise: It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]
Chris: Did you notice anything strange right there?
Dan: You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?
Chris: No, Elise was acting funny.
Dan: I told you not to get married.
Ninja: Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abominable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?
Elise: Okay, come out and let us take a look.
Chris: I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]
Dan: Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.
Elise: can you slouch a little?
Dan: And be more handsome.
Chris: I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
Dan: We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.
Chris: Right, but why?
Elise: To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-
Chris: Okay, there's the part I don't like.
Dan: We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.
Chris: Well then I'm expendable?
Dan: Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.
Elise: No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
Dan: And we're hoping he poisons you instead!
Chris: I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.
Elise: Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!
Dan: Because you keep eating!
Elise: So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!
Chris: And you just said probably.
Elise: I'm almost positive.
Dan: Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.
Elise: Please?
Chris: Alright.
Elise: Now act like Dan!
Chris: Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
Dan: Idiot.
Elise: Dan, shh.
Dan: He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Elise: Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
Dan: I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
Chris: I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Dan: Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Chris: Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
Chris: So I said, "They're not my radishes. You're the one with your left blinker on."
Elise: Chris?
Chris: Oh, hey, Glendale. [he passes out]
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Dan: Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
Chris: Sorry.
Dan: You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Elise: Quit complaining, Dan.
Dan: Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Elise: Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
Dan: No problem. Ohh! Heavy.
Elise: What's this?
Dan: What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
Elise: [reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
Dan: It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
Elise: It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Dan: Like who looks better in evening wear?
Elise: Like single combat to the death.
Dan: Oh.
Elise: A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
Dan: I'm willing to take that risk.
Elise: Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
Dan: Bushes.
Dan: Hey, Chris, open wide! Here's a nice pastrami sandwich for you. [Chris sees his own hand as the sandwich and takes a bite]
Chris: Ow! Stop it! Hey, where did Elise go?
Dan: Shut up.
Chris: Where are you going?
Dan: Out.
Chris: Can you bring me some... water?
Chris: [on the phone] I'm just so thirsty.
Woman: Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency.
Chris: [still hallucinating] It feels like an emergency. Plus there's still all those flying monkeys.
Woman: Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you--
Chris: And I've been poisoned.
Woman: Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir.
Chris: Oh, good! Have them bring water.
Woman: Paramedics are on the way.
[paramedics arrive and kick open the door]
Chris: Hey, guys!
Paramedic A: Yep. He's been poisoned, all right.
Paramedic B: Clear! [he zaps Chris with the defibrillator]
Paramedic A: What did you do that for? I- I just said he was poisoned!
Paramedic B: I don't know! I panicked!
Paramedic A: Great, rookie. Now he's poisoned and unconscious.
Paramedic B: I said I was sorry.
Paramedic A: You know, I don't think you did.
[Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown]
Elise: Where have you been?
Chris: Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?
Dan: Mine!
Elise: Dan, let him have a cookie.
Dan: Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
Chris: Who's this?
Elise: He's the ninja.
Chris: Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
Ninja: Former ninja. You can call me Dave.
Chris: Oh. Hi, Dave.

The Dentist [1.04]

Dan: [on the phone] No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.
Chris: [comes to Dan's apartment] Hey, Dan.
Dan: I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.
Chris: She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.
Dan: To spy on Finland?
Chris: I don't think so.
Dan: What a waste of time.
Chris: Elise's birthday's coming up. You got that 20 bucks you owe me?
Dan: Make her buy her own present!
Chris: Yeah, that's what we did last year. You said you'd pay me back this time.
Dan: [shows Chris a teddy bear] You'll have to speak with my attorney.
Chris: Dan, this is not a legal matter. I'm not suing you. I just want my money.
Dan: [shows Chris a dental teddy bear] Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.
Chris: Hey, that's a cute bear. Where'd you get it?
Dan: The last time I was at the dentist's. [Chris takes the Dan's dental bear away] I had a root canal. They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming. Didn't work.
Chris: Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal?
Dan: That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.
Chris: Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.
Dan: [grabs his bear away from Chris] No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value!
Chris: This bear is payment of debt! [Dan and Chris pull the bear together until the bear breaks Dan's tooth] Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the-
Dan: DENTIST!!!
Dan: Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! He'll get his!
Chris: Right now?
Dan: Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain!
Chris: Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.
Dan: Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen!
Chris: He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How?
Dan: Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back!
Chris: Decades later?
Dan: He's a long-term strategist. And he's playing 4th-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string!
Chris: I think you're mixing up games.
Dan: Go fish! I'm in horrible pain!
Chris: Well, it worked. I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.
Dan: And play into their hands?
Chris: What other option do you have?
Dan: We're going to fix it ourselves.
Chris: We? You mostly.
Dan: I can't see inside my own mouth.
Chris: I'm not a dentist.
Dan: Exactly.
Chris: So I can trust you.
Dan: Kind of.
Chris: I'm not putting my hand in your mouth. You're a biter. [he leaves but Dan stops him]
Dan: You're helping, so shut up!
Chris: Are you sure you want me to use a hot glue gun on your mouth?
Dan: For the umpteenth time, yes! You’re overthinking! How else are we gonna stick this thing back on?!
Chris: It says “Not for use on human tissue”.
Receptionist: Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.
Dan: [walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.
Chris: Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.
Dan: She hates me.
Chris: Were you rude to her?
Dan: No! A little.
Chris: Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.
Dan: Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.
Receptionist: [voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.
Dan: Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.
Little Boy: Your son is weird.
Chris: He really is.
Dan: Unhand me, wench!
Receptionist: Sir, please quit struggling.
Dan: Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
Dr. Pullum: Well, hello, Danny. Nice to see you again.
Dan: You!
Dr. Pullum: Shall we take a looksee?
Dan: You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.
Dr. Pullum: Now, let's just calm down. I promise I'll only look, okay? [looks at Dan's teeth] Oh, dear. Been some time since you've been in for a visit. How'd you break your tooth?
Dan: You know darn well it was your trap bear.
Dr. Pullum: Well, let's start with a simple cleaning. It won't hurt a bit, I promise.
Dan: Wait! No, no! Get away from me! [he freaks out while Chris and the kids feel embarrassed] Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me!
Toddler Boy: Mama, I'm scared!
Toddler Boy's Mother: No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.
Dan: Oh! Please, just kill me! [the baby cries] Chris, help! I'm not going in there! [Chris goes out of the lobby to check on Dan] Oh, it burns! It burns!
Chris: How's it going?
Dr. Pullum: We haven't done anything yet. Haven't even touched him!
Dan: I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! [the receptionist covers his mouth] Hey, wanna go to a movie with me?
Receptionist: Was he like that last time?
Dr. Pullum: He was smaller.
Chris: Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.
Dan: I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.
Chris: At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.
Dan: What?
Chris: Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.
Dan: Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?
Chris: Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.
Dan: Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.
Chris: You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.
Dan: And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?
Chris: Not really.
Dan: Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!
Chris: Oh, what's your plan?
Dan: We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!
Chris: Wow, I am so not okay with that.
Dan: Oh, come on. You said you'd help.
Chris: Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?
Dan: Quisling.
Chris: If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?
Dan: Probably.
[Dan and Chris confront Dr. Pullum]
Dan: Stop right there, madman!
Dr. Pullum: Try a little Novocain! [he shocks Chris]
Chris: Oh, no, I'm going numb.
Dan: Now you're gonna get it!
Dr. Pullum: Not likely, I'm afraid. I call this the excruciator! [he shocks Dan] Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.
Dan: It's Dan. I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.
Dr. Pullum: While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant. I can cause you excruciating agony any time I want.
Dan: You jerk!
Dr. Pullum: Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions. I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear. At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project. You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.
Dan: Chris, get up!
Chris: I can't, I'm all floppy.
Dr. Pullum: My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the WORLD! [evilly laughs] And now our little game has come to an end. For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out. It's a shame I must destroy you now. Goodbye, Danny!
Dan: The name is Dan! [he throws his dental teddy bear to break Dr. Pullum's teeth which causes Dr. Pullum to whine, he then steps on the remote and crushes it] Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device!
Dr. Pullum: My teeth! My beautiful teeth! [his teeth breaks as Dan hits the emergency button] No!
Machine: Self-destruct activated. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[while the machine countdowns to destruction, Dr. Pullum quickly leaves while Dan grabs Chris' feet as the two head out]
Chris: Ow, ooh, ow!
Dan: You're so heavy.
Chris: Sorry.
Machine: Have a nice day, goodbye.
[Dr. Pullum's hideout explodes thanks to Dan]
Dan: [satisfied] Now that's what I call tooth decay!
Chris: Ha.
Dr. Pullum: [after he was defeated by Dan and Chris] All my work, for nothing! DAN!!!

The Animal Shelter [1.05]

[Dan tries to call Chris in the middle of the night]
Chris' Answering Machine: Hey, it's Chris. Leave a message. [beep]
Dan: HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR MACHINE PICK UP!? YOU ARE SCUM! YOU'RE WORTHLESS, SPINELESS, ROTTEN TO THE CORE - THAT'S IT! WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS. I HATE YOU! WE ARE DONE - IF YOU EVER TRY TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, I WILL LITERALLY STRANGLE YOU!! [beat] Come over when you get this. ...it's Dan.
[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]
Dan: That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.
Chris: I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
Dan: Got my message? Why was your phone off?
Chris: Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.
Dan: This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.
Chris: So what do you need me for?
Dan: Promise me!
Chris: I promise. Why am I here?
Dan: Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.
Chris: Another one?
Dan: What do you mean another one?
Chris: Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.
Dan: What was that? I wasn't listening.
Chris: What's the problem, Dan?
Dan: Well, they won't let me sleep.
Chris: [eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?
Dan: Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.
Chris: [eating Dan's meatloaf] How?
Dan: You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.
Chris: Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?
Dan: I mean, kind of.
Chris: No!
Dan: Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.
Chris: Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.
Dan: What if I just poison the guy who works there?
Chris: That would be murder.
Dan: But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.
Chris: I don't think that will sway the jury.
Dan: So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.
Chris: Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?
Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?
Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?
Chris: [spins around] Oh no! Oh no!
Dan: Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.
Chris: I'm feeling pretty light-headed.
Dan: Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.
Chris: I think I'm going to faint.
Dan: Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.
[Dan is having a phone call with Elise]
Elise: [at home] Hello?
Dan: It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Elise: Is Chris with you?
Dan: Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.
Elise: WHAT?
Dan: Well, not dead, but poisoned.
Elise: POISONED?!
Dan: But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.
Elise: You're not making any sense!
Dan: Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.
Elise: Is Chris okay?
Dan: No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.
Elise: Where are you?
Dan: I'm at a pay phone.
Elise: And where is Chris?
Dan: I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.
Elise: [pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?
Dan: Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?
Elise: [angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!
Dan: Like I am? [ends the phone call]
[Dan and Elise are at a room at the hospital with Chris]
Dan: Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Elise: Say beep one more time.
Dan: Beep?
Elise: [punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!
Dan: Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.
Elise: Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!
Dan: I would think shark tank.
Elise: Dan!
Dan: Well, whose fault is this anyway?
Elise: Yours!
Dan: No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.
Elise: You know Chris is on the see-food diet.
Dan: That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.
Elise: I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]
Dan: Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.
Doctor: Doctor.
[Dan takes a prisoned Chris to Wally's Hardware Emporium and Explosives where he goes around the store with Chris on a dolly picking up a pack of dynamites]
Dan: [imitating Chris] Well, hello there. My name is Chris. I would like to purchase these here items.
Cashier: My. That's a lot of dynamite.
Dan: [imitating Chris] I got some 'sploding to do.
Cashier: [laughs] Okay, that will be $3700.
Dan: [imitating Chris] Why, I do believe I'll pay with my credit card. [normal voice] Let me get that for you, buddy.
Cashier: I'm going to need to see some ID with that.
Dan: [shows Chris' ID to the cashier] Why don't you ring yourself up a 30% tip!
Cashier: Thank you, sir.
Dan: [imitating Chris] And thanks for your help there, my good fellow! [runs out to the car with Chris in normal voice] Don't worry, buddy. Your money didn't go to waste. Thanks again for bankrolling my sweet, sweet revenge! Stupid homeless animals. Uh-oh. Looks like there's no room for you in the car. [imitating Chris] Hey, that's okay. I don't mind. Just stick me through the sunroof. You sure you don't mind? "l don't mind a bit, but can we stop for milk shakes now? Let's get you that milk shake. Thanks, Dan. You're the best.
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]
Hortence: Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.
Dan: World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milkshake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!
Hortence: That'll be $2.98, sir.
Dan: Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.
Elise: Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.
Dan: And you just assume it was me.
Elise: I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!
Dan: Possession is 9-10ths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.
Elise: Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!
Dan: Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.
Elise: Bring him back now, Dan!
Dan: What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!
Elise: You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.
Dan: Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [he goes out of Burgerphile with Chris tied in a dolly] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.
Dan: [arrives at his apartment with Chris in a dolly] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.
Elise: [hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!
Dan: We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.
[at the end, Dan is at a room with a doctor at the hospital]
Doctor: Okay, let's get those pants off.
Dan: Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.
Doctor: [chuckles] Oh, don't worry. I'm not a doctor.

Canada [1.06]

Dan: [goes on a walk with comic books on his hand] Grab bags, what a scam. They lure you in with something you like. Hmm. Something with an uplifting message. What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt. Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever. No dark side, no inner rage. He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower. So many maple leaves.
Man: Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?
Dan: It's "may I," and no.
Man: We need your help to save the Canadian geese.
Dan: I don't even like American geese. One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.
Man: I'm sure that's not true.
Dan: Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher. I say it bit me! like this! Ohh! Ooh! And this. [the man leaves and falls on syrup] Ugh. Sticky. Maple syrup? [picks up the maple syrup jar] Who's responsible for this? CANADA!
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]
Chris: Hello.
Dan: I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!
Chris: Who is this?
Dan: Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]
Elise: What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?
Chris: Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Elise: Oh, that Dan.
Chris: Always covered in something.
Chris: So do we have a plan?
Dan: Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
Chris: That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Dan: Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!
Chris: Now it's a checklist.
Dan: Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
Chris: I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
Dan: What do you know about it?
Chris: A little bit, actually.
Dan: Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.
Chris: Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Dan: Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.
Chris: What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."
Dan: You're right. Normal people never apologize.
Chris: No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."
Dan: What does that rhyme with?
Chris: Mata Hari?
Dan: Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?
Chris: Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.
Dan: What are you hiding from me?
Chris: I'm 1/16 Canadian.
Dan: And you never told me?
Chris: It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Dan: Are you trying to sabotage my mission?
Chris: No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
Dan: Prove it.
Chris: I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.
Dan: And if I don't?
Chris: Then you can get to Canada on your own.
Dan: I don't even know where Canada is.
Chris: It's north. You can't miss it.
Dan: Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.
Chris: You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?
Dan: Goo.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Quebec as they read the stop sign]
Chris: Wait a minute.
Dan: Look. They spelled stop wrong. Canadians.
Chris: It's French. I think we're in Quebec.
Dan: What? I hate Quebec. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [hits the stop sign] I hate it! Whoa. What's this? Hmm. I'm beginning to like their style.
[Dan and Chris were thrown out by the French organization]
Dan: Would you get up? We're on a mission.
Chris: You landed on my kidneys.
Dan: You, you, you. What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused. We need to find that map.
Chris: All right. Where to now?
Dan: The Geological Society of Canada.
Chris: Where's that?
Dan: No idea.
Chris: Is there such a thing?
Dan: No idea.
[Dan and Chris are at a hospital after getting hurt by the security guards]
Dan: Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick?
Chris: At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us. Canadians are polite. Violent, but polite.
Dan: We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.
Chris: They have socialized medicine up here, Dan. They're not gonna charge us.
Dan: Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't take their side.
Chris: Sorry.
Dan: Did you just say, "Sory"?
Chris: Huh? No. No. You're hearing things.
Dan: You did. You said, "Sory."
Chris: I did not.
Dan: I've had my doubts about you from the beginning. You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou!
Chris: I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.
Dan: Hoser? I knew it. You are half bear. And I don't need you. Get out.
Chris: Fine.
Dan: Fine.
Chris: Good luck getting home.
Dan: Good luck being stupid.
Chris: Well, good luck. You're stupid. [he opens the door while he and Dan give themselves serious looks, then Dan finds a map while he hears an announcement] You're holding it upside down.
Dan: I know that! [turns the map normal]
Chris: Wait a minute. What's this?
Dan: [yelling] I don't know! I can't read maps! [crumbles the map]
Chris: I've got it. What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.
Dan: I'm taking this stethoscope.
[at the end, Dan and Chris end up getting sick after they came home from Canada during an avalanche]
Elise: [checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.
Dan: [on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.
Chris: Who's that? [hangs up]
Elise: Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.
Dan: [after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?

Traffic [1.07]

[when the parking lot had a massive explosion]
Chris: Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.
Dan: Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]
Dan: [finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.
Helicopter Hal: I don't sign autographs, thanks.
Dan: Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]
Helicopter Hal: Why?
Dan: That's for making me pee!
Helicopter Hal: What?
Dan: You love traffic!
Helicopter Hal: Well, it is my bread and butter!
Dan: [punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!
Helicopter Hal: Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!
Dan: I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.
[the helicopter flies off]

Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre [1.08]

[Dan, Elise, and Chris are at the Dinner theatre watching a particularly bad performance of Romeo and Juliet]
Dan: Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.
Man: [walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.
Dan: OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!
Man: Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.
Theater Main Actor: What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?
Nervous Actor: [walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.
Dan: You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.
Police Officer: Sir, there's no loitering here.
Dan: I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.
Police Officer: Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--
Dan: [yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!
Police Officer: [gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.
Dan: Loitering?
Police Officer: Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.
Dan: It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Chris: Hello.
Dan: We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.
Chris: Nope. I'm on a date.
Dan: With Elise?
Elise: Yes, Dan.
Dan: You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Baseball [1.09]

Dan: Baseball is a contemptible sport. It's not contemptible. It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.
Chris: How exactly?
Dan: It preempted my stories.
Chris: I meant the mirror thing.
Dan: Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.
Chris: He's called a commissioner.
Dan: Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.
Chris: How do you plan to do that?
Dan: Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.
Chris: Okay, I'll go.
Dan: I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"
Chris: Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in 3 days.
Dan: Wait. You like baseball?
Chris: I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--
Dan: Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?
Chris: Uh, no.
Dan: Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.
Dan: [after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!
Chris: Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

The Salvation Armed Forces [1.10]

[the Salvation Armed Forces truck comes to pick up the chair from the house]
Salvation Armed Forces Guy: Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]
Chris: No problem.
Salvation Armed Forces Guy: This old thing was just sitting around.
Dan: [inside the chair] Ow!
Chris: Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.
Salvation Armed Forces Guy: That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?
Chris: Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.
[the Salvation Armed Forces Guy closes the truck]
Dan: [voiceover] Attention!
Clerk: [falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?
Dan: [dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.
Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.
Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
[Dan leaves the clerk's building and begins talking through a walkie talkie]
Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.
Walkie-Talkie: Was that the code?
Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!
Walkie-Talkie: I forgot what that one meant.
Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!
Walkie-Talkie: Oh, right. Gotacha!
Dan: [through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".
Walkie-Talkie: Oh, right. Gotcha!
Dan: Oh, I hate that guy.
Walkie-Talkie: Hey Roger? The radio's still on.

The Beach [1.11]

Dan: [as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious! There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!
Lifeguard: So you have a husband?
Elise: Not anymore.
Lifeguard: Let's go on a date.
Elise: Snap out of it, Chris!
Lifeguard: Where?
[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]
Dan: I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.
Chris: I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.
Dan: I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]
Chris: Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!
Dan: [pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!

George Washington [1.12]

Chris: Can we turn the spooky music off?
Madame Zelda: No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.
Chris: When was the last time you washed your hands?
Dan: Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.
Madame Zelda: Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.
Dan: He's here.
Chris: She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.
Madame Zelda: George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.
Chris: Continental Army.
Madame Zelda: That's what I said.
Chris: Is not-- Ow!
Dan: Is it really you, Mr. Washington?
Madame Zelda: Yes. Now what question can I help you with?
[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]
Chris: Dan, no!
Madame Zelda: What are you, a psychopath?
Dan: Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!
Chris: There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]
Madame Zelda: The spell is broken.
Dan: Oh, come on!
Madame Zelda: You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.
Dan: Well, you should have told me that before we started.
Madame Zelda: Just give me my $50 and get out.
Dan: You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.
Madame Zelda: Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.
Chris: Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?
Dan: Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.
Chris: But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.
Madame Zelda: Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?
Chris: This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.
Dan: So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.
Chris: Fine. What's your middle name, George?
Madame Zelda: I didn't have one?
Chris: Actually, I think that's right.
Dan: You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!
Madame Zelda: Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?
Dan: I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.
Chris: Come on. Let's go.
Dan: This isn't over.
[Chris takes Dan out]
Madame Zelda: The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!
Chris: [at the car] That was a waste of time.
Dan: Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.
Dan: I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!
Chris: You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.
Elise: Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.
Dan: Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!
Elise: I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.
Dan: The last thing I need is- Really?
Elise: Yes!
Dan: Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.
Elise: You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?
Dan: I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.
Elise: [whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?
Chris: Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?
Dan: Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?
Chris: And what state is it in?
Dan: D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?
Elise: So there is a savant half.

Technology [1.13]

Hiram: Home, sweet home.
Dan: Lovely place you have here.
Hiram: Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.
Chris: Actually, I am a bit parched.
Hiram: It's also where I take my baths.
Dan: What time is it, by the way?
Hiram: Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.
Dan: Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.
Hiram: Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?
Dan: [while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.
Hiram: I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.
Chris: [flatly] We get you.
Chris: So can we go home now?
Dan: Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?
Chris: You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Chris: Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.
Dan: Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!
Chris: See?
Dan: I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.
Chris: If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.
Dan: Oh, I think that's a stretch.
Chris: You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]
Dan: We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.
Chris: We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]
Hiram: To the ends of the Earth!
Chris: Well, I've been wrong before.

The Barber [1.14]

Dan: [at the barber shop having his haircut] 1 haircut, my good man, and make me look dashing. Sounds like somebody's got a date. Well, hop up. I do have a date. She's cute, and she likes zombie spaghetti westerns, a cinematic subgenre of which I consider myself a connoisseur. We are going to see "A Fistful of Brains" tonight. She sounds like the perfect girl. Don't I know it. And pretty too.
Barber: Why do you have her driver's license?
Dan: To run a background check, make sure she's not a serial killer or an organ donor. They don't always wait till you're dead, you know. Possibly the future ex-Mrs. Dan if she plays her cards right.
Barber: Well, don't worry. I'll make sure you look nice and handsome for your date. [cuts his hair with a razor offscreen]
Dan: [inside the barber shop] NOOOO! You made me a monster!
Barber: Wait! You forgot your lollipop!
Dan: [runs off and hides his haircut using his shirt until he sees himself in the puddle] Maybe it's not so bad. [he walks off until he sees a lady with a baby as the baby cries at Dan's horrible haircut]
Lady: My apologies, sir. She is usually so calm. I am so sorry about your obviously horrible, grotesquely disfiguring accident. [the lady leaves]
Dan: BARBER!!!
[Dan arrives at Chris and Elise's house with a bad haircut]
Chris: It's not that bad. Okay, it's pretty bad.
Dan: You know, he did this on purpose to ruin my date.
Elise: That seems a little paranoid. Why would a barber- wait. Date?
Dan: Yes, date.
Elise: Seriously? With a real, live girl?
Dan: And just what are you implying? What are you telling her?
Elise: I'm sorry. I just don't-- I mean, how does that even-- I mean, how did you get her to say yes?
Dan: The Dan method. [chuckles] She totally fell for it. First, I ask her about the book she was reading. Then, during our conversation, I discovered that she likes a lot of the same stuff I like. Then we talked about that stuff. It was masterful, if I do say so myself.
Elise: Yes, devious. You talked to her.
Chris: And he found out that they had a lot in common.
Elise: Staggering.
Dan: I'm picking up a lot of sarcasm here, but I'm not getting what it's about.
Elise: I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just impressed. That's great.
Dan: It was great, and then that ham-fisted hack barber did this to me. Now I'll have to cancel my date.
Elise: Why? If a girl really likes you, a bad haircut won't make a difference.
Dan: What do you know about what women like? You married Chris.
Chris: Hey.
Dan: Anyway, I can't see Becky until my hair grows back.
Elise: Why don't you just shave your head?
Dan: Calp fungus. I just need a temporary excuse, something simple and plausible. [he calls Becky]
Becky: Hello.
Dan: Hi, Becky. It's Dan. Bad news. The FBI just discovered a new species of penguin, beautiful and endangered, and they want me to club one to death and dissect it immediately.
Becky: The FBI?
Dan: Yeah. They're doing that now. So I leave for the North Pole tonight.
Becky: But penguins live at the South Pole.
Dan: Yeah. Everybody's pretty surprised. Anyway, I won't be able to go to the movie tonight.
Becky: Mm, that's okay. My friend Mike really wanted to see it. I'll just go with him.
Dan: Oh, Mike. Good. [hangs up the phone] Mike. [he writes Mike's name on his list] Mike. Well, anyway, I'll be back in 3 weeks or so. I'll call you then.
Becky: Bye.
Dan: She's going with MIKE? Man, I hate that barber. Help me get back at him.
Chris: I'd rather not.
Dan: It'll take 10 minutes. You hold him down, and I cut off his hands.
Chris: Hmm. No.
Elise: Maybe something less felonious.
Dan: What, like the barber gave me a bad haircut, so I give him a bad haircut? Wow! Real-hey. Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?
Dan: [heads to the barber shop with a hedge trimmer] Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but, [he tries to chainsaw through the door until it breaks, he drops the hedge trimmer, and heads inside the barber shop] Now where could you have gone? [stares at a picture of a lake and a cabin] Now I know where you're headed. That will teach you to personalize your work space.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise arrive at the lake]
Dan: This is it. It's beautiful! Yeah, the perfect place to relax. There he is, my archnemesis. [while looking at the lake through Chris' binoculars] Becky? Wait a minute! [he yells and destroys Chris' binoculars]
Chris: My binoculars!
Elise: What is it, Dan?
Dan: It's Becky! The barber's her father!
[Chris and Elise have been arrested]
Chris: This is all a misunderstanding.
Elise: We're very sorry about all this.
Dan: Chris. Hey, Chris.
Chris: Now is not a good time, Dan. We're being arrested. What did you do?
Dan: What did you do?
Chris: We didn't do anything. You told us you rented this cabin.
Dan: Oh, right. I lied about that. Hey, when you get done at the police station, can you help me break into the barber's cabin? I messed up, and now-
Chris: I am not helping you do anything ever again.
Dan: We both know you don't mean-
Chris: [as the police takes him to the police car] Still think he turned a corner?
Elise: That is your last I told you so. One more, and you join Dan in a shallow grave.
Chris: Weren't you wearing handcuffs a second ago?
Elise: Amateurs.
[Dan relaxing after shaving Barber's hair]
Dan: Well, it took a lot of work but I got even with the barber. Now I can sleep. Good night, Mr. Mumbles.
[Barber enters in Dan's apartment, with a scissor, he is now bald]
Barber: Hello, Dan.
[Dan screams]
Barber: I'm not gonna hurt you, Dan... yet!
Dan: Oddly, that's less reassuring than I'd like it to be.
Barber: I am here to declare a barber vendetta on you.
Dan: Barber vendetta?
Barber: Did you think barbers just cut hair? [pulls out razor]
Dan: Of course not. They also sing in quartets. Oh!
Barber: since the dawn of Western civilization, barber surgeons were responsible for surgery, [stabs poster with a scissor] dentistry [stabs couch with a razor] and bloodletting. Bloodletting, Dan. You have insulted me, Dan! I am here to declare the Hallowed Society [pulls of Dan's beanie] of Barber Surgeons is going to end your life! Soon! [puts on beanie] And you won't see it coming! Sleep well. [leaves]
[Chris is massaging Elise's back]
Chris: Hmm. You're so tense.
Elise: I did just spend a day in jail.
Chris: Yeah, well, let's just forget all about-
Elise: [notices Dan] Dan!
Chris: Exactly.
Elise: No, Dan's hiding in our bushes again. I swear I'm going to set a bear trap in there someday.
Chris: [walks by and opens the door to see Dan hiding in their bushes] Come on in, Dan.
[Dan enters]
Dan: Phew! Nice to be in a place where they don't want to kill you. [sits on the couch]
Elise: [pulls the coffee table away from Dan] I wouldn't assume that.
Dan: For the last time, I'm sorry about the cabin. Also, for the first time. [eats grapes]
Chris: Are you sorry because you lied to us or are you just saying sorry because you need our help?
Dan: Look, what's important is barbers have a shadowy, secret organization.
Elise: Sure, the Hallowed Society of Barber Surgeons.
Chris: How did you know that?
Elise: Eh. The good news is that any organization like that is bound to have a rigid code of conduct. If you can find out what the rules are, you can exploit them.
Dan: Great! Will you help me?
Elise: Nope.
Dan: Oh, please! I'll do anything. I'll... I'll rent you a cabin. For real.
[Elise closes book, looks at Chris]
Dan: [when he won the haircut challenge] Yeah! Winner! [walks up to Becky, who has a bad haircut] So, "Too Much Gold for One Zombie"?
Becky: [to Dan, angrily] Never speak to me again. [she leaves]

Art [1.15]

[Dan and Chris arrive at an art museum]
Chris: I can't believe she thinks I have bad taste. Well, when I get back from this museum, I'll be the most educated, refined art lover that ever lived. She'll see. I mean, it's just art. How complicated could it be? What's this supposed to be, a steering wheel? This isn't helping at all. How am I supposed to tell the good art from the bad?
Dan: It's all bad. All right, back to basics. [he gets ready to light up a painting but a old security guard takes it away from him] Huh?
Old Security Guard: No open flames in the museum. [walks away with Dan's lighter]
Dan: Hey, that's my favorite lighter. You think I won't hurt an old man? I'll hurt an old man. [the security guard picks him up] Unhand me! He's getting away.
[Chris is staring at a picture of a flower, then, Dan and Chris are sitting at an museum's bench]
Chris: [while eating a fake burger] Museum food tastes like plastic.
Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.
Old Security Guard: [walks up to Dan and Chris] You can't touch the art.
Dan: Um, neither of us are touching any art, grandpa.
Security Guard: First of all, that's my grandpa, not yours, and second, you're sitting on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.
Dan: The bench? The bench is art now?
Security Guard: And the sandwich.
Chris: [gasps] Oh. Sorry.
Security Guard: Wasn't there also an apple pie?
[when Chris' stomach gumbles, the security guard kick Dan and Chris out of the museum]
Chris: This whole art thing is just so frustrating. It's giving me a stomachache. I think some of that exhibit was toxic.
Dan: [reads the poster] That's him. That's the guy I should be after, the so-called "artist" who ruined my car. Come on, Chris.
Chris: I don't know. I should probably go to the hospital. I ate a whole plastic pie.
Dan: No time. We have a mission. To make Art Artstein art history. Let's go. [he bumps himself to the street painting]
[Dan and Chris are having a split-screen phone chat]
Chris: What now?
Dan: There's no way to ruin art.
Chris: What do you mean? We ruined it.
Dan: I thought we did, but somehow we made it better.
Chris: Wait. People liked our pointless squiggles? But if that's art and benches are art and sunflowers are sometimes art and then some art can be eaten even though it shouldn't be, then-- but-- I am never going to figure this out.
Dan: If there's no way to ruin art that already exists, I'll have to cut it off at its source. Art Artstein, prepare for a close encounter of the Dan kind.
Chris: I guess if anyone could explain art to me, it'd be someone named Art.
Dan: [after the place was destroyed] Now that's what I call a work of art.
Dan: [after he heard everyone complained about his statue] Seriously? You sheep wouldn't know real art if it ruined your car! [screams as a bulldozer destroyed his car] Aw, come on!

Elise's Parents [1.16]

Dan: I just want to go to the Renaissance Faire with my best friend, and your parents are getting in the way of that.
Elise: You think they're inconveniencing you? Ever since I was a kid, nothing I've ever done has been good enough. Straight A's, full scholarships, captain of every conceivable team the schools had, everything never enough. Why do you think I became a top operative in a shadowy, quasi governmental organization?
Dan: Wait, what was that?
Elise: What? Oh, never mind. The point is my parents will have a perfect week and for once not have anything to criticize me about.
Dan: You know you married Chris, right? Well, what am l supposed to do with this bag of common household rats?
Elise: Don't you even think about it.
Dan: Come on. I spent all day collecting these little guys.
Elise: Let's establish some ground rules. 1. You will not mess up my house in any way.
Dan: Fine.
Elise: 2. You will not cause my parents bodily harm of any kind. 3. You will not set anything they own on fire.
Dan: Oh, come on!
Elise: 4. If and when you engage them in conversation, you will be polite and pleasant. If you aren't, they'll need dental records to identify your body. You get me?
Dan: Joke's on you. I don't have dental records.
Elise: And take those rats somewhere else! [leaves]
Chris: You know, maybe working in a cupcake shop won't be so bad.
Elise: Yes, it will be.
Chris: It'll give me a chance to get to know Don, see what he's like once you get past that gruff exterior.
Elise: There's a gruff interior that's exactly the same.
Chris: Oh well, at least I'll be surrounded by-
Elise: You won't be allowed to eat any of the cupcakes.
Chris: Wait, I'll be surrounded by food all day and not allowed to eat it?
Elise: That's the food industry for you.
Chris: That sounds like one of the circles of Dante's Inferno.
Elise: Only less fun.

The Fancy Restaurant [1.17]

Dan: Another great turkey sandwich from The Sub-Marine. Italian roll, spicy mustard, mayo, no cheese, no meddling vegetables. Mmm. You know, you might be the perfect food.
Talking Sandwich: I like you, Dan. You're always right.
Dan: Thanks, talking sandwich. [he dances with the sandwhich until he falls to the floor] Aw! I've got to stop eating candy for dinner.
Elise: Hey! What are you doing? I said be discreet.
Chris: I'm trying to chew quietly.
Elise: Never mind that. I've found something for you to do.
Chris: Oh, you're the best.
Elise: Don't eat that! I just put knockout powder on those. I need you to deliver them to the sous-chefs guarding the vault. Then open the door for Dan. You think you can handle that?
Chris: [sighs] You know, I'm sorry. This is not how I pictured our anniversary.
Elise: I have a confession to make. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know today was our anniversary.
Chris: Wait. Until you mentioned it, I didn't know it was our anniversary either.
Elise: Is it our anniversary?
Chris: I don't know. Let's think. What did we do on our last anniversary.
Elise: We were going to go to a party, but Dan wouldn't get out of our walls.
Chris: Right. And the year before, we were gonna go to a picnic.
Elise: And we spent the whole day with the bail bondsman.
Chris: Yeah, Dan had that whole nun thing.
Elise: You know what? I's not our anniversary.
Chris: And do you know what else? I don't care. I don't want to wait for a special occasion to take my beautiful wife out to dinner.
Elise: You are so sweet. Now go knock out those guards.

Dan [1.18]

[Dan is sent to court, Judge bangs his gravel]
Judge: Do you realize how much trouble you are in, young man?!
Dan: Your honor, I don't see what the big deal is.
Judge: You crashed your car through the wall of a church while a wedding was in progress!
Dan: It wasn't my fault! There was a nun crossing the street against the light. I was going to run her over.
Judge: And you were swerving to avoid her?
Dan: [smiling] Yes.
Judge: All right. Well, in that case, I will suspend your sentence in exchange for 40 hours of community service.
Dan: Community service!? What has this community ever done for me!?
Chris: Dan, no. Take the deal.
Dan: NO WAY!
Judge: Have it your way. Trial will start one week from today at 9:00 a.m.
Dan: Could we do it a little later? I like to sleep in, watch some TV...
Judge: Get him out of my sight!
Dan: [gets grabbed by security guards] Let go! [gets kicked out of court]
[Dan goes inside his apartment and meets with Imposter Dan that looks similar to him]
Imposter Dan: This Saturday? I'll be there. [Dan looks shocked] Oh. Got to go, Jer. Well this is embarrassing. I figured you'd be at court at least another hour.
Dan: Who are you?
Imposter Dan: Who are you?
Dan: I'm Dan.
Imposter Dan: I'm Dan.
Dan: Stop it.
Imposter Dan: Stop it. I should probably just go. [he runs out of Dan's apartment]
Dan: Hey, those are my clothes! Stop, clothes thief! [Imposter Dan twists his arm] Who are you?
Imposter Dan: I told you already. I'm Dan. The question is who are you? [he runs off]
Dan: DAN!
Imposter Dan: I'm Dan.
Dan: We'll find this guy. Then you'll see I'm not crazy.
Chris: I'm sure we will, Dan. And then what?
Dan: Simple. I hit him over the head and take my clothes back.
Chris: Leaving the “Good Dan” nude and vulnerable. Textbook.
Dan: [furious] Stop analyzing me! For the last time, there is an imposter!
Old Lady: Dan, is that you?
Dan: Aw, come on!
Old Lady: Oh, thank you so much for mowing my yard last week. Here, have a mint.
Dan: Lady, you can take your mint and-
Chris: Whoa okay. Calm down. Ma'am, are you sure this is the Dan who mowed your lawn?
Old Lady: That's him. He spent three hours at my house on Thursday.
Chris: Thank you, ma'am. That's him.
Dan: She was like a hundred years old! It doesn't prove anything!
Jogger Civillian: Eh, hi, Dan!
Dan: Oh, what now?
Jogger Civillian: Hey everybody, Dan's here! On behalf of the whole neighborhood, we want to thank you for everything you've done lately. Let's hear it for Dan!
Imposter Dan: [opens the door] May I help you?
Chris: He's real!
Dan: What are you doing in my apartment?
Imposter Dan: Oh, well, this is my apartment. Everything that you used to have is mine. I'm Dan now. You're going to have to find yourself a NEW identity.
Elise: Why would anyone want to be Dan?
Imposter Dan: I'm so glad you asked that, Elise. And by the way, you don't look anything like the unflattering drawings Dan has of you in his journal.
Dan: You've been reading my journal?
Elise: What does he mean, "unflattering"?
Imposter Dan: You ask, why Dan? Well, most people have a network of friends and family who know and love them, making it near impossible to steal their identities, but Dan here is off-putting and angry.
Dan: [turns red, yelling] OFF-PUTTING?! ANGRY!?
Imposter Dan: That's just the tip of the iceberg. Tell me, what do you have to show for your lifetime of apathy and petty vengeance?
Dan: Well, I... I have a foosball table... so I got that going for me.
Imposter Dan: You don't even like foosball.
Dan: He's right. I'm an air hockey man.
Imposter Dan: You have alienated everyone in your life except for Chris and Elise, and I have a feeling at least one of them is gettable.
Dan: ATTACK! [he gets ready to fight with Imposter Dan but Elise stops him]
Elise: Let's hear him out. What exactly do you want?
Imposter Dan: Oh, I've already got it. A place to live, a television. A kitty who loves me, and friends all over the neighborhood, friends who know me as Dan, the neighbor who cares; Dan, the neighbor who lives in apartment 8. So, if you don't leave immediately, I'll be forced to shoot you in self-defense. Good day. [closes the door and locks it]
Chris: That last part sounded a little like you.
Imposter Dan: I'm gonna get you for this, Dan! I'll be back, and you will rue the day! Rue it!

The Family Camping Trip [1.19]

Dan: Your probably wondering why I'm wearing face paint and attacking you with a plastic toy hatchet?
Chris: Oh, is it "Put on Face Paint and Attack Your Best Friend with a Hatchet Day" already?
Dan: That's not till January. It's Dismemberfest.
Chris: Ah, the horror film festival.
Dan: You got it. Slasher Cats starts at noon tomorrow, followed by Eek! The Murderer.
Chris: I can't go this year, Dan. Elise's parents are taking us on a camping trip.
Dan: You have got to be kidding me.
Chris: Hey, I'm not happy about it either. Although I must admit I don't like those movies anyway.
Dan: But it's no fun going to slasher movies by myself.
Chris: Sorry, but I have an opportunity to finally get Don and Elise Sr. to like me.
Dan: When are you going to learn they are your in-laws-- natural enemies, like sharks and robots?
Chris: Anyway, we're going up to Lake Sequester - for the weekend, and-
Dan: Whoa, whoa. Where?
Chris: Lake Sequester.
Dan: Oh, you won't go to slasher movies, but you'll go there?
Chris: Sure.
Dan: Why not? Are you kidding me? It's where the Hockey Mask Maniac ran amuck 10 years ago. It's the basis for the goriest, bloodiest, most iconic slasher movie of them all, The Campground Chain Saw Unpleasantness.
Chris: Okay, you should go now.
Dan: Well, I'm not leaving until you agree to- [Chris lifts him] Hey, let me go! Unhand me, I say!
Chris: I'm going on the family camping trip, Dan, and that's final. [leaves]
Chris: [opens the window and finds Dan outside] Perfect timing.
Dan: If we leave now, we can still catch Stabbo the Clown. Now climb out of the window, and let's go.
Chris: I am not going with you! I am going to Lake Sequester!
Dan: To be hunted by a chain saw-wielding maniac.
Chris: They caught him years ago.
Dan: Or so they think.
Chris: You're just trying to give me nightmares.
Dan: Look, this whole insane quest of yours is pointless. Your in-laws will never respect you.
Chris: I have to try.
Dan: I just hate to see you expending such an enormous amount of effort in what is ultimately a futile pursuit. It's not healthy.
Chris: Have a good weekend, Dan.
[Dan yells after Chris closes the window on his fingers]
[Chris, Elise, and Elise's parents are heading to camp]
Elise Sr.: So this should be a good time of year to spot bears.
Chris: Isn't spotting bears a bad thing when you're camping?
Don: Don't tell me you're scared of bears.
Chris: I am, actually. Generally speaking, I'm afraid of anything that can eat me. Bears, sharks, cannibals.
Elise Sr.: Stop worrying about bears. We just got to make sure we hang our food from a tree every night.
Don: If you think you can make it 10 hours without a snack.
Elise Sr.: They're tagging the bears this summer.
Chris: Like spray-painting them? That seems mean.
Elise Sr.: No, they're luring them in with artificial hormones and fitting them with radio transponders.
Elise: It's to track their migratory patterns.
Chris: Ah.
Don: Speaking of feral creatures, how's your friend Dan?
Dan: [while on his way to camp] The trick to any successful campaign, Mr. Mumbles, is the element of surprise. [Mr. Mumbles meows] I think it was Sun Tzu who said- [the truck horn honks as Mr. Mumbles screeches]
Don: I only ask because he seems to be following us.
Elise: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I'll handle this.
[Dan and Elise both stop their cars in the middle of the road]
Dan: What was that? Are you trying to kill me?
Elise: Don't tempt me.
Don: What are you doing here?
Dan: Obviously, I'm sneaking up on you. Just give me what is rightfully mine, and I'll go.
Elise Sr.: What do you want exactly?
Dan: Chris.
Don: I don't know. Sounds reasonable.
Elise Sr.: Don, stop it. We are not giving him Chris, even if we'd like to.
Chris: Dan, this is really unacceptable.
Dan: It's all your fault.
Chris: This is not my fault.
Elise Sr.: It's kind of your fault. He's your friend.
Dan: If you'd just come with me to Dismemberfest.
Elise: Okay, let's go. Dan, you are not invited on this camping trip, don't follow.
Dan: Your not the boss of me, lady. I go where I plea- Hey! Is that my car battery? I'LL PUT YOU ON THE LIST! I'LL PUT ALL OF YOU ON THE LIST!
Dan: [runs and ends up being lost in the woods] He's not just dreamy. He's got the strength of 10 men. And was it just me, or were his eyes even more captivating close up? I think he won the fight because I got lost in them. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yeah, all right. We've ruled out a direct assault. And by the way, thank you for doing nothing while I was getting beaten up. [Mr. Mumbles meows as he pets him] Aw, I can't stay mad at you. And did you hear that thing on the radio about the prison break? For all anyone knows, the Hockey Mask Maniac is on the loose. Which gives me an idea.
Dan: [heads to Marvin's Pickins with Mr. Mumbles and puts on his burglar outfit] Okay, this will just take a second. [looks at the door] That's strange. Oh, well. Gift horse and all that. First stop, sporting goods. [he grabs a mask] Next, landscaping supplies. No chainsaw? Why doesn't anything ever go right for me? [Mr. Mumbles meows] Was that sarcasm, Mr. Mumbles? Well, I guess this will have to do. Just need some overalls, and we're done.
Police Officer: [after the maniac was defeated] Don't you worry, folks. That's the last you'll see of the Hockey Mask Maniac. Unless he escapes again, but what are the odds of that? [drives off]

Burgerphile [1.20]

[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with his cheeseburger]
Hortence: Oh, hey. Haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
Dan: Great. Well, not great, but good. Well, not good, despondent. You look nice. Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong. Well, not you, specifically, I mean--
Jeff: What seems to be the problem here?
Hortence: This gentleman got the wrong order.
Jeff: That's impossible. I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
Dan: What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
Jeff: You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
Dan: I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said!
Jeff: Look, sir. I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service. No mistakes. Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
Dan: I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back!
Jeff: Well, neither of those things are going to happen. Mac, Carl. Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
[Mac and Carl grab Dan]
Dan: This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
Hortence: I'm really sorry, sir.
Jeff: Don't apologize to him.
Hortence: Sorry, sir.
Dan: I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! [gets thrown outside]
Chris: How'd it go?
[people are walking in line to Dan]
Dan: Be careful, they hate getting your order right. Those are nice shoes. Did you know the fries here give you scabies?
[Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile crowded and find Dan tied up with Hortence]
Elise: Wow, Dan. You've really started something.
Dan: Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.
Chris: Oh. We were going to grab dinner.
Elise: Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.
Hortense: I'm Hortence. Dan's girlfriend.
Elise: Wow, Dan. Way to go.
Dan: Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.
Jeff: [goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Goods Limited International Incorporated, a Division of Drags Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [crowd excitedly leave, but gets tricked]
Wally: Hey, there's no table!
Jeff: [locks all the door] Checkmate!
Dan: Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.
Jeff: Well, we'll just see about that.
[the angry mob upset after being duped, Jeremiah shows up, looks inside and see what Jeff's doing to Dan and he uses his key to unlock the door]
Hortence: [inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!
Jeff: [tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!
Dan: [crying] NEVER!!
Jeremiah: JEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?
Jeff: Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?
Jeremiah: What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, and what do I see!?
Jeff: I can explain.
Dan: [jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! Plus, he's been torturing me, which is seriously uncool!
Jeremiah: What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?
Jeff: He obviously just ordered wrong.
Jeremiah: [slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.
Jeff: Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.
Dan: I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!
Jeremiah: I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.
Jeff: Um, don't let them go for your eyes?
Jeremiah: [holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]
Jeff: But my perfect record!
Jeremiah: [takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.
Jeff: [grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!
Dan: Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!
Jeff: You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]
Dan: Wow, you just made me really sad right now.
Jeff: [picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!
Dan: Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]
Jeff: Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]
Dan: [gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!
Jeff: You do care about this place?
Dan: Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.
Crunchy: You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.
Dan and Jeff: [yelling] SHUT UP!!
Jeff: Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!
Dan: This window?
Jeff: Yes, the one on fire!
Dan: [sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]
[the white powder comes off off Jeff's face, now furious, Dan goes to the counter and drops his extinguisher, Jeff and Dan go into a battle]
[Jeff takes out a bag plastic utensils, bits the tops off, and throws them at Dan]
Jeff: Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]
Dan: Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]
Jeff: MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]
Hortence: Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]
Dan: Say goodbye, walking sticks!
Jeff: No I need them for walking!
Hortence: Dan, the fire!
Dan: Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]
Jeremiah: [waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]
Hortence: [hugs Dan] My hero!
Jeremiah: Now for you, Jeff.
Jeff: Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-
Jeremiah: Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.
Jeff: [whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!
Jeremiah: Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?
Dan: Naked.
Jeremiah: A man after my own heart.
[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]
Dan: Where have you guys been?
Elise: We had dinner across the street.
Chris: It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.
Jeremiah: Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
Hortense: Thank you, sir.
Jeremiah: By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
Hortence: [hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!
Jeremiah: Do me proud, Hortence.
Dan: Congratulations! This is so great for you!
Hortence: It is, but it's not good for us.
Dan: What do you mean? I'll have to move.
Hortence: That's true.
Jeremiah: To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
Hortence: Maybe I won't go.
Dan: You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.
Jeremiah: [as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?
Hortence: I'll always like you like you!
Dan: We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
Chris: You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.
Dan: Gone forever.
Crunchy: [shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.
Dan: [while he's walking away] Just ignore him.

The Magician [1.21]

Chris: [while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?
Dan: Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.
Chris: You said, you needed a ride, and you only had one thing to do.
Dan: Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.
Chris: One thing. At one place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?
Dan: The box is okay I guess.
Chris: It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]
Dan: Who's Elsie?
Chris: What? Oh no.
Dan: What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]
Magnifico the Magnificent: Ta-da!
Dan: Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.
Chris: Cool, magic!
Dan: Seriously? How old are you?
Chris: Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.
Dan: No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]
Chris: Ow! How'd you do that?
Magnifico the Magnificent: For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.
Chris: [looks at his necklace box] It's gone.
[everybody cheers]
Dan: Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.
Magnifico the Magnificent: I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.
Chris: What? Oh, no.
Magnifico the Magnificent: Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!
[everybody cheers]
Dan: Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.
Magnifico the Magnificent: Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]
Dan: Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]
Magnifico the Magnificent: Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]
Dan: Hey! I know you're in there!
Chris: It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.
Dan: For the last time, magic is not real!
Chris: [holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?
Dan: MAGICIAN!!!
[Dan and Chris arrive at a castle]
Dan: Talk about gaudy. Yeesh. This is perfect. We penetrate their sanctum sanctorum and expose magic for the fraud that it is. [he and Chris walk up to the bodyguard] Two, please.
Bodyguard: Two what?
Dan: Tickets, passes, whatever.
Bodyguard: You have to say the magic words.
Dan: Are you kidding me?
Bodyguard: Clearly, you are not magicians. Please get off our property.
Dan: Listen, meathead. We need to see The Amazing Peter. It's important. I promised I'd return his baseball bat.
Bodyguard: Look, buddy. Either disappear or I will make you disappear.
Dan: Fine. Come on, Chris. We'll just have to-ATTACK! [the bodyguard grabs his baseball bat] Run! [he runs off as he and Chris climb up a tree to sneak through the castle] Come on, it's not that far to the roof.
Chris: I don't know. This doesn't seem safe.
Dan: Nothing worth doing is safe. Was marrying Elise safe?
Chris: Yes.
Dan: Well, there you have it. Hey!
Bodyguard: [shows up as a genie] What do you think you're doing?
Chris: Wow, that guy's really- [falls off a tree]
Dan: Next time. [takes a dive off the tree]
Chris: [with Dan in the river with a crocodile] Still think magic's not real?
Dan: [as he becomes sneaky opening up a room] Aha. Here's your so-called 4th dimension. I told you this hocus pocus was mumbo jumbo.
Magnifico the Magnificent: You! Stop polishing watches. I need you to go to Pasadena and work a jewelry convention. Should be a gold mine, if you know what I mean.
Man: Yes, sir.
Dan: I'm impressed. There is some serious crime happening here.
Chris: No. No. Come on, where is it? Wait, I think I found it. Wait! [the treasure lands on him] Got it!
Dan: Smooth as always, genius.
Chris: Uh oh.
[Magnifico the Magnificent and two men confront Dan and Chris]
Dan: Alright, magician. Game's over. We know the truth.
Magnifico the Magnificent: It's Magnifico the Magnificent. And for your information, I found all these watches and I bought all this jewelry.
Dan: I don't care about that. Steal away! I just want you to admit that you don't have any magical powers.
Magnifico the Magnificent: Oh, I have powers! Observe. [he electrocutes Chris]
Dan: Eh, that didn't even look real. Felt real. [he runs off to defeat Magnifico the Magnificent]
Chris: Sleep! [he puts Dan to sleep and takes the necklace away from Chris] I'll take that.
[Chris and Dan are chained up in jail]
Chris: Dan? Dan? Dan!
Dan: Wha-- where am l?
Chris: Magnifico did magic on you.
Dan: He did not!
Chris: He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.
Bodyguard: [as he is taking Elise to jail] Stop struggling. You're only making it worse. This should cool you off.
Chris and Dan: Elise?
Elise: Hi, guys.
Chris: What are you doing here?
Elise: Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all started on my 8th birthday. [scene cuts to her memory from her 8th birthday]
Magnifico the Magnificent: Good afternoon, boys and girls. I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic!
Kid Elise: Oh, oh, me, me!
Magnifico the Magnificent: Everyone, give a big hand for Elise. Alright, just sit down. Alright, on 3! 3!
[Kid Elise screams as Magnifico the Magnificent plays a trick on her]
Kid Elise: [as she is trapped inside a box] Help me! [as she is spinning on the wheel] Please, stop! Ta-da!
[the kids cheer as kid Elise gets scared as her flashback ends]
Elise: Please ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.
Chris: Wow, that's awful. I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.
Elise: Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic. So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it. What? He'll live.
Dan: [after freeing himself off his chain] Ahh, much better.
Chris: Wait. How did you get free?
Dan: Well, I got really bored during Elise's story. Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.
Elise: How did you get your other hand free?
Dan: Pulled really hard.
Chris: [whispering] Well, help us.
Bodyguard: Do you believe in magic? You bet do.
Dan: There's no time. I'll have to come back for you guys. Don't move. [he climbs on Chris as he heads out to the vent]
Chris: What are you doing?
Dan: I stepped in something.
Bodyguard: Hey where's the third guy?
Elise: Ahh bathroom?
Bodyguard: Alright.
Magnifico the Magnificent: [while hosting his magic show] Behold the power of magic. And witness the Chest of Wonders! [Dan shows up from the box]
Dan: You, sir, are baloney! You're no more magical than my big toe!
Magnifico the Magnificent: Can your big toe do this? [he tries to zap Dan but fails] What the?
Dan: Aw, I wish I had a wand like that. [he and Magnifico the Magnificent try to zap each other] No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic. It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.
Magnifico the Magnificent: Who taught you my magic trick?
Dan: [while Magnifico the Magnificent is trying to zap him] No one. I figured them out with plain old common sense. [the crowd laughs] I'll admit levitating was the hardest one. Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.
[Peter and the bodyguard play a trick on Magnifico the Magnificent]
Magnifico the Magnificent: Aha! Sleep!
[the crowd cheers]
Dan: Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness. [found something hidden] Chloroform vapor.
Bodyguard: Magnifico! No!
Chris: Wow. Mr. Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.
Elise: Stay right here! Time to show you a trick or two. [she defeats the bodyguard]
Chris: Happy birthday! [gives Elise the necklace]
Elise: Seriously?
Chris: You don't understand. The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother and then Dan-
Elise: We'll talk later.
Dan: Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight. I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash. I hope that you've all learned-
Magnifico the Magnificent: Hey, Dan! Abra-- [Mr. Mumbles defeats him]
Chris: I've never seen Mr. Mumbles attack anyone like that before.
Dan: See? Everything has an explanation.

The Lemonade Stand Gang [1.22]

[Dan arrives home and finds some kids selling lemonade in his neighborhood]
Dan: Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot!
Timmy: So, what seems to be the problem here, mister?
Moose: Yeah, mister. What's the problem?
Timmy: Quiet, Moose.
Moose: Sorry, boss.
Dan: Hey, kids. I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot. So, I need to run you out of business. Or at least have you move.
Timmy: We were here first.
Moose: Yeah, first.
Timmy: Moose.
Moose: Right, sorry.
Dan: Well, technically, I was here first. I live here. This is where I park.
Timmy: Not anymore.
Dan: I- Ahhh-I have no answer for that! [backs up his car and parks at a different spot] Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport. [he walks upstairs but the Lemonade Stand Gang blocks his way]
Timmy: Hey, mister. Lemonade?
Dan: I don't want any. I just want to go home. Out of the way, irksome urchins.
Timmy: I wasn't asking. You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.
Dan: Don't you threaten me, kid. I- [screams when Timmy splashes lemonade on his face] Hey!
Timmy: That'll be $1.25.
Dan: A $1.25?! That's outrageous!
Timmy: Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.
Harold: I call it a Charles horse.
Dan: First of all, I don't carry cash. Second of all- [screams and trips when Moose poses a pushup] You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
Timmy: [as he and the Lemonade Stand Gang comfront Dan] Did you just call us hooligans?
Dan: [as he is beaten up by the Lemonade Stand Gang] Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! [arrives at his apartment, injured and calls Chris]
Chris: Hello?
Dan: I'm bruised and sticky!
Chris: Dan?
Dan: Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors. [screams as there is a note thrown through the window by The Lemonade Stand Gang, he picks up the note and reads it] "If you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang. Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang. Those little beasts! LEMONADE STAND GANG!!!
Timmy: Hey, mister. Lemonade?
Chris: No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?
Timmy: I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?
Moose: I don't remember nothin', boss.
Timmy: Watch your double negatives, Moose.
Moose: Sorry, boss.
Chris: Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.
Timmy: What did you call us? Dolores!
[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]
Chris: Look, why can't you just leave me alone?
[Chris arrives home, injured by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Elise: Hey, honey. What took you so long to get ho-- Oh, my gosh! Chris! What happened to your shins?
Chris: I was attacked.
Elise: Mugged?
Chris: Uh, sort of. There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand. What's funny?
Elise: I'm sorry, it's just- No, never mind. Sorry, go on.
Chris: Why are you laughing? I can barely walk.
Elise: Nothing is funny! Come on! Tell me what happened!
Chris: Well, Dan said they attacked him. And I didn't believe him at first.
Elise: Because it's ridiculous?
Chris: Exactly. And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade. I said, no, thanks. And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! Fine. Just make fun.
Elise: Oh, no. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids?
Chris: Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.
Elise: Oh, listen. Why don't I get you an ice pack? [goes to the kitchen and laughs]
Chris: It's NOT funny!
Chris: [as he is being chased by The Lemonade Stand Gang] I don't want any lemonade! Just leave me alone!
Timmy: Then give us your shoes!
Chris: [bumps into a police officer] Officer! You've got to help me. Those kids are chasing me. They're extorting the neighborhood and they physically assaulted me. [shows the police officer his cut]
Police Officer: Is this true, kids?
Timmy: No, sir. We run a lemonade stand and he forgot to pay. We're trying to raise money to get surgery for Dolores.
Dolores: I'm not well, sir.
Police Officer: Well, that's just awful. And you were trying to steal lemonade from these sweet little angels? I ought to arrest you right now.
Chris: No, you don't understand!
Police Officer: Move along, sir, before I move you along. Get me? [leaves]
Timmy: Talking to the cops? Not smart. No one likes a tattletale.
Chris: Oh, well, that's, uh-- hey, look! Ice cream man! [runs off]
Timmy: See you real soon, mister.
Dolores: Hey! There's no ice cream man!
Timmy's Mom: [finds Chris in the bathroom drinking water from the sink] Timmy, I told you to go to- [she and Chris scream]
Timmy: Mom?
Chris: [while he's being chased by Timmy's mom] It's a misunderstanding!
Dan: Never send a Chris to do a Dan's job. Incompetent.
Chris: [while he is being attacked by Timmy's mom] Stop!
Timmy: [makes a phone call] It's me. Get everyone together, now.
[Dan and Chris are riding back home]
Dan: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Chris: Don't worry, I am. For many, many reasons.
Dan: It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
Chris: The costume was sweltering. And you wouldn't let me out of there!
Dan: So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home. I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
Chris: I'm not your minion! [phone rings] Hello?
Elise: Hey, it's getting late. Where are you?
Chris: Uh, nowhere.
Elise: What does that mean?
Dan: [yelling] YOUR HUSBAND'S A MONSTER STREAKER!
Chris: Dan, would you please be quiet?
Elise: What's a monster streaker?
Chris: It's nothing. Dan, just, uh-
Elise: I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
Chris: That wasn't me.
Elise: Chris, what's going on?
Chris: It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
Elise: The 5th graders?
Chris: They're almost 6th graders.
Elise: Good night, Chris. Put some pants on. [hangs up the phone]
Dan: I know, buddy. But, yeah. Let's stop so you can put your pants on. [he and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night] Come on. We need to plan our next move.
Chris: I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened. Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and- Hey, why is your street deserted?
Dan: This doesn't look good. [Dolores rides her bike and runs over his foot] Ow! My foot!
Chris: Let's get inside, quickly! [Harold hits him]
Dan: [as Timmy sees him] Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here!
Chris: Can't move. Save yourself.
Dan: No, no man left behind- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
Chris: Really?
Dan: Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
Timmy: Wallets. Now.
Chris: What? You're mugging us?
Dan: I blame cartoons.
Timmy: You come after us, we come after you. You got me? Wallets! [Dan and Chris give him their wallets] Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money. Alright, move out.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang ride their bikes off Dan's neighborhood while Harold throws a can to a car]
Dan: [voiceover] This is why I'm never having children.
[Dan and Chris are at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Dan: Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
Chris: Uh-huh.
Dan: What's wrong, buddy? We won.
Chris: We didn't win. Not in the moral sense.
Dan: But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
[The Lemonade Stand Gang are outside destroying the car]
Chris: Yeah, but they're just kids. Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Dan: Eh, we taught them a lesson. It takes a village, Chris.
Chris: I don't know. How would you like it if someone destroyed your property?
[the car gets destroyed by The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Dan: I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
Elise: [answers the phone at home] Hello? They did what?! [shows up outside of Ninja Dave's Cookies where the fire fighters are hosing down the fired car] Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this?
Chris: I told you they were bad kids.
Elise: They will all disappear. No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-
Chris: Wait, what?
Elise: They destroyed our car.
Chris: Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Elise: Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
Dan: That's what I've been saying.
Chris: Here's what I've learned from tonight. When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower. And that makes you go lower and so on.
Elise: That's pretty much how it works. Whoever goes lowest first wins.
Chris: No, we're better than this. No more destruction.
Elise: What?!
Dan: I'm not better than this.
Chris: No destruction!
Dan: Fine. Let's give the baby his bottle.
Elise: This is why the other boys pick on him.
[Chris confronts The Lemonade Stand Gang]
Timmy: Well, well, well. If it isn't the guy with no car.
Chris: I'm here to make peace.
Timmy: We're not interested.
Moose: Yeah, so scram!
Timmy: Moose!
Moose: What? How come I don't get to express my opinions?
Timmy: It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
Moose: Oh.
Chris: Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Timmy: Huh, we don't like you much either.
Chris: We've all done things we regret, haven't we?
Timmy: Nope.
Dolores: Uh-uh.
Harold: Uh, I ate a frog once.
Chris: So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends. [Timmy kicks him] Ow!
Timmy: See, mister, it's like this. Life is a 0-sum game. If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
Chris: That's not true. You can- [Timmy kicks him again] Ow! Not my shins again.
Timmy: Guys, the shins.
Chris: [as he is beaten up by The Lemonade Stand Gang] Ow! Stop it! Ow!
Dan: [holding the tape] Now I've got you!
Timmy: Get him! I want that tape!
[Dan runs off]
Chris: [checking his leg] Much better.
[Dan gives Elise the tape and runs off as The Lemonade Stand Gang finds the tape in the car]
Timmy: There it is!
[the teacher is having a meeting with The Lemonade Stand Gang's parents in the classroom]
Teacher: And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of--
Elise: [comes inside the classroom] May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents. [plays a video of the Lemonade Stand Gang] Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady. And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
Timmy's Mom: Is that my Timmy?
Elise: And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
[everyone can see The Lemonade Stand Gang destroying a car outside from the window]
Timmy's Mom: [comes out the school and stops her son from destroying a car] Timmy! Stop that at once!
Timmy: Mom? Uh, I can explain.
Timmy's Mom: Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making a thousand dollars a week.
Timmy: Mom?
Timmy's Mom: Well, no more! All that money is going to charity!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents pick up their kids and punish them]
Timmy: NOOO!
Dolores: We were set up!
Moose: It was all Timmy's idea.
Harold: [in the car] I regret nothing!
[The Lemonade Stand Gang parents drive away]
[at the end, Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Ninja Dave's Cookies having cookies]
Dan: I have to say, Chris, you were right. We didn't need to sink to their level. We just needed to get smarter.
Elise: I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
Dan: A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
Elise: I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Chris: Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous?
Elise: Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Dan: Stupid parents. They're what's wrong with America.
Chris: Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
Dan: That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me. And I turned out super-duper.
Elise: Let it go.
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