Dan Vs. (season 2)

Seasons: 1 3 | Main

Dan Vs. (2011-2013) is an American animated television series created by Dan Mandel and Chris Pearson. The series was about a rude, crude, and scruffy curmudgeon named Dan who tries to get revenge on anyone and anything that angers him.

The Family Thanksgiving [2.01]

[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
Chris: Hello?
Dan: Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Chris: Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
Dan: How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
Chris: Dan...
Dan: At least one chance-
Chris: Dan!
Dan: STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
Chris: You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
Dan: WHAT?!
Chris: I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
Dan: No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
Chris: Dan, calm down!
Dan: CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
Chris: Don't be absurd.
Dan: What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
Chris: I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Dan: Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
Chris: Insurance?
Dan: BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
Chris: Dan? Hey, Dan!
Dan: FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
Dan: This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Elise: Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Dan: Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
Elise: They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
Chris: And then a chainsaw slasher.
Dan: Ah, yeah. Good times...

The Mall Santa [2.02]

Chris: This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Dan: Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Chris: Did she see me?
Dan: I don't think so.
Chris: Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Dan: Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!
Chris: He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
Mall Santa: I hate Christmas.
Chris: I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
Mall Santa: It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
Chris: That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
Mall Santa: This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Chris: Oh.
Mall Santa: Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
Chris: Probably.

The Neighbors [2.03]

Chris: Let me help you with that.
Jason: Whew. Thanks.
Chris: No problem. Moving in?:
Jennifer: That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.
Chris: Chris.
Jason: Nice to meet you.
Dan: [opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!
Chris: Have you met Dan?
Jason: Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-
[Dan closes the door in front of him]
Chris: Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.
[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]
[Dan opens the door and sees Jason, he tries to close the door but Jason puts his shoe blocking the door]
Jason: Hey there, Dan.
Dan: You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!
Jason: Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.
Dan: So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!
Jason: I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.
Dan: Noted. Goodbye!
Jason: They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!

Dancing [2.04]

Dan: Chris! Get over here-
Chris: [answering machine] I'm not in right now, so leave a message.
Dan: Where are you?! We were supposed to be watching a marathon of Pay Cable Prison Drama! Mr. Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense! 'Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- [machine beeps] You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here, Mr. Mumbles. I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives, HIS HOUSE. [sees Crunch dancing outside of the apartment] What are you doing here, you moron?
Crunch: One man flash mob, bra.
Dan: [walks up to him] A mob implies a group. You are but along dumdum. [Crunch goes up on Dan's car] Hey! Get off my car! You'd better run!
Crunch: [runs off] Alright!
Dan: What is going on with all this dancing malarky? [drives to Chris and Elise's house and sees them dancing from their window] Chris too? [opens the door] What are you doing?
Chris: Dancing! [Dan breaks the vase] Dan!
Elise: We're practicing for Swing til the Spring, an endurance spring dance contest. You are not invited. Get out of our house.
[Dan grabs the statue and breaks it]
Chris: Hey!
Chris: What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight dancing"?
Elise: [while explaining the backstory of Pembroke] Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town call Pembroke. This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town. It became an immediate international hub for the evolution of dance. In fact, they called it 'the home of the dance'. They even had a sign made. But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone. And with it, went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually... went feral. The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as 'fight dancing'. After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad.
Chris: And you sure you send Dan there?
Elise: I'm sure he'll fit right in.

The Bank [2.05]

Chris: Promise me you won't make a scene. [Dan yells and hits himself to the bank window] Did your head make that sound?
[Dan hits himself and makes a crack to the bank window]
Lady: That's supposed to be bulletproof.
Dan: [as the security guard is grabbing him] Let me go!
[another security guard grabs Chris and the 2 security guards angrily throw Dan and Chris out of the bank]
Chris: Wait, why did they throw me out?
Dan: BAAAAANNNNKKK!!!
Chris: You have to calm down.
Dan: [angrily] I'LL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Chris: Dan, that's disgusting! And impractical!
Dan: Oh, you have a better idea?
Chris: How about NOT eating their children!
Dan: You have no vision. That vexes me! But not as much as being out 50 cents. OH! We're gonna rob the bank.
Chris: That... is one of the worst ideas you've ever had, and you've had some doozies!
Dan: Name one! And don't say the jetpack, because that's gonna be awesome. [goes inside the car]
Chris: You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from?
Dan: Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and ROB the place!
Chris: Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you!
Dan: Don't be so stubborn! Hey, what kind of mask do you wanna wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
Chris: I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you--
Dan: Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
Dan: Chris! Quit acting suspicious!
Chris: I'm not! And quit using my name!
Dan: Don't follow so close!
Chris: I think we should leave now.
Dan: That's it! Pens!
Chris: What?
Dan: We steal their pens. I sell them for 50 cents, and everything's as it should be.
Chris: Okay, but-
Dan: But nothing! Be cool. Ready?
Chris: Dan, wait. That pen has a-
Dan: Now! Run for it! [he runs off but his pants rip off of him]
Chris: Chain on it.
Dan: Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! [the security guard catches him]
Chris: Oh no. [the security guard catches him]
Dan: Pants thieves!
[Dan and Chris end up in jail]
Chris: Of all the days for you not to wear underwear.
Dan: Shut up.
Chris: [dress in a clown suit] I feel ridiculous.
Dan: Good. It's your punishment for trying to bail out on me.
Chris: But-!
Dan: Hey, you heard Elise. She said "Go with Dan and wear a clown suit".
Chris: I don't think that's what she said.
[Dan is drilling]
Elise: Dan, we need to go!
Dan: I'm not leaving!
Elise: His choice, let's move.
Chris: We can't leave Dan.
Elise: You're right, he knows too much.
Chris: And he's our friend.
Elise: Sure. Sure, that too.
Chris: I'll grab him.
Dan: I think that went pretty well.
Chris: I do not appreciate being used as a human shield!
Dan: But you were born for it. You're so meaty!
Chris: I have been against this plan from day 1!
Dan: Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris. Nobody likes those guys. Be a fun clown!
Chris: What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison!
Dan: Well, you should have thought of that before breaking into a bank.
Chris: This is your fault!
Dan: Let's not go blaming others- [Chris tackles him and he laughs] Your nose just- [Chris punches him] Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist!
Chris: Good!
Dan: Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy. [picks up the phone] Hello, police? It's me. First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher.

The Monster Under the Bed [2.06]

Dan: [wakes up while he's sleeping as he hears a loud noise] Huh? Wha? Was that you, Mr. Mumbles? I need to stop feeding you tacos before bed. [Mr. Mumbles meows] Yes, I know you like them, but [raises a candy cane and hits it to the wall] KEEP IT DOWN, YOU JERKS! [feels something under his bed] Whoa! What was that? IS MY BED ON FIRE?! [sees something evil under his bed] Huh. Hey! I was going to eat that! Ah! Mr. Mumbles, we have a problem. Evacuation plan 14! Not 12! 14! [Mr. Mumbles hops over to Dan Good kitty. Now for my clothes. [a monster takes Dan's clothes away from him] Clothing's overrated anyway. Vamonos! [leaves his apartment] Hey! Whuuh!!! [gets scared by the monster and runs away]
Little Girl: Mommy, there's a naked man outside!
Dan: Again! Call the police, there's a monster under my bed!
Little Girl: [teases Dan] Baby. [giggles]
Dan: MONSTER UNDER THE BED!
Dan: [screams outside as Elise and Chris hear him from outside] Whoa! Hey! Was that trap meant for me!? Elise, how could you? I almost- [screams again when he gets caught in a mousetrap] stupid, no good, reckless, trap setting!
Chris: [finds Dan outside] Hey, Dan What's new? Chris! How do I get out of this thing?
Dan: How do I get out of this thing?
Chris: You could try gnawing your own leg off.
Dan: You think this is funny?!
Chris: Elise calls it her "DAN TRAP.
Dan: Just get me out of here! And when's the last time someone mowed your grass? This is just slovenly.
Chris: You took our lawnmower apart to build a jet pack, remember?
Dan: And, It would have worked if you didn't have such a crappy lawnmower. Come with me.
Chris: Do you know what time it is?
Dan: I don't care what time it is! I need help. There is a monster under my bed! I know how it sounds! Do you? Because you said it anyway. Listen to me very carefully: I hate you. Also, THERE IS A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!
Chris: I promised Elise we'd have a Spa Week. Sort of a "stay-cation.
Dan: First off, that's not a real thing. Second, there's no time for your foolishness. I have just been ejected from my own domicile!
Chris: By a monster. Under your bed.
Dan: Don't say it like that!
Chris: After you ruined our last vacation by getting us deported-
Dan: There's nothing to see in Rome!
Chris: I owe Elise a real, "Dan free" week of relaxation and fun. For once.
Dan: Then we had better settle this whole "monster" thing as quickly as possible, hadn't we?
Chris: [sighs] I'll get my keys.
Dan: Wait! Bring me some pants.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Dan's apartment late at night while Dan is dressed up in Chris' outfit]
Little Girl: [teases Dan and Chris] Baby.
Dan: Don't you have parents? Do you see it?
Chris: The monster? No, but I can't see under your bed from here Plus, it's a figment of your imagination.
Dan: [opens the door but realizes that he is missing his keys] I left my keys inside.
Chris: Do you have a spare?
Dan: Of course. [takes Chris' sandal off of Chris' foot]
Chris: What are you doing? Let go!
Dan: [gets the key out of Chris' sandal] Yuck. Wash your feet.
Chris: That's not okay, you know.
Dan: [as he and Chris enter his apartment] Stay in front of me. If this thing eats one of us, I want it to be you. Well?
Chris: I'm sure it was a very scary dream, Dan.
Dan: It wasn't a dream! It was right here!
Chris: Well, I'd check the closet, but I don't think there's room for a monster, what with all the garbage and everything.
Dan: It's not garbage until I throw it out!
Chris: I'm going home. [walks away]
Dan: Coward! Wait! Can we stay with you?
Chris: For how long? Until your imaginary monster leaves?
Dan: What are we suppose to do? Sleep in the car?
Chris: There's no monster under your bed, Dan. [leaves]
Dan: Is so!
Dan: [runs to Chris and Elise's house] The monster's back! It thwacked me in the noggin! Come quick! Bring shotguns!
Elise: Dan?
Chris: Did you run here again? You're covered in sweat.
Dan: The monster is back and I have physical proof! Look at my forehead!
Chris: Well, that is odd. Don't know if it's proof of monsters.
Dan: It did this with its tentacles! Would you please help me kill it now!?
Chris: If we don't help him, he's just going to keep coming over here in the middle of the night.
Dan: With my brand new air horn. [he blows his air horn loud and Elise throws it away from him]
Elise: Let's go.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are at Dan's apartment looking for the monster]
Dan: Whatever the circumstances, it's nice to have both of you for a visit.
Chris: This isn't a visit, Dan. You won't let us sleep. That's coercion.
Dan: You say "tomato". Why is it so hard to get you guys to come over?
Elise: Because it's 2 in the morning.
Dan: So? Are we only friends during business hours? I visit you no matter what time it is. That's just good manners.
Elise: [while looking under the bed] There's nothing down here.
Dan: Keep looking!
Chris: I don't know why you think Elise will be able to find a monster under your bed when clearly the whole thing is a product of your overburdened psyche.
Elise: Uh. Maybe not. [picks up a green thing with a tweezer]
Dan: Ha! A green thing! Overburdened psyche, indeed.
Chris: What is it?
Elise: It's a scale, I think. But it's not from any reptile species I've ever seen.
Dan: See this, Chris? This is me not gloating.
Elise: IWe can't be sure until I run some tests at the lab, but I think you might owe Dan an apology.
Chris: I'll wait until the tests come back.
Chris: [drives Dan home while Dan yawns] Dan, you should really listen to Elise. Agsagoth is no joke.
Dan: Uh-huh.
Chris: First, he marks his victim with his tentacle. That's already happened.
Dan: What, this? This is just a bruise.
Chris: Then, he softens you up with extreme physical pain, and then the mark changes to his runic symbol.
Dan: Okay, when that happens, I'll worry.
Chris: [he and Dan arrive in front of Dan's apartment] No, when that happens, Agsagoth will appear and devour you.
Dan: [opens the door] Look, your concern is appreciated, but I have the situation under control.
[a monster throws a figure out of Dan's apartment, Dan and Chris find a figure outside as they find the real monster in Dan's apartment much to their shock]
Dan: [closes his apartment as a monster roars] I think we should run.
Chris: That was close. [he and Dan run off]
Little Girl: [teases Dan again as Dan runs off] Baby.
[Dan angrily screams in front of the little girl's face which causes her to cry]
[Dan and Chris are in the car]
Dan: Monsters. They live under your bed, but they never kick in for the rent.
Chris: Are you ready to listen to me now? That creature was identical to the one in the book.
Dan: I'll admit, there was some passing resemblance.
Chris: If you don't get rid of that thing, it's going to devour you.
Dan: I just don't understand why he started terrorizing me. What did I ever do to Agsagoth?
Chris: [stops the car and shows Dan a page of the book] Does this look familiar?
Dan: No. Should it? [he and Chris both get out of the car]
Chris: This is the scratch you put in our car last week.
Dan: Allegedly.
Chris: Not allegedly, Dan. Actually. The scratch is identical to the Ancient Sumerian symbol. It must have caught the attention of Agsagoth the Devourer.
Dan: So? Fix it.
Chris: Dan! If you have read the book, you'd know it needs to be you that fixes the scratch, since you put it there.
Dan: Allegedly!
Chris: You called this creature here, and now it's marked you. Have you forgotten the next steps?
Dan: Physical agony, the mark changes, the beast eats me, blah, blah, blah.
Chris: So, do you want to get rid of the monster or not?
Dan: Of course I do! But I don't see how a scratch on YOUR car- [Dan's stomach growls] Ohh! My guts!
Chris: It's the second step! Let me see your forehead!
Dan: Let go, lummax.
Chris: Uh, Dan. Look.
Dan: How am I suppose to look at my own forehead, you jerk! [Chris lifts him and puts him in the car]
Chris: Okay, now look.
Dan: [sees his scratch in the mirror] Oh, come on!
[at the end, Chris and Elise are relaxing at the spa]
Chris: Aahh.. Dan should just about be reading my letter by now.
Elise: He's going to be really mad.
Chris: He's got to start listening to me. Every once in a while, anyway.
Elise: I'm really proud of you for standing up to Dan, however indirectly.
Chris: Yeah, I'm not really good at direct confrontation. Besides, all's well that ends well.
Dan: [angrily yelling as the episode ends] CHRIS!!!

Golf [2.07]

Dan: Why are you wasting time at a stupid golf place? Mr. Mumbles' birthday party is 48 hours away and we don't even have a theme!
Chris: I'm not wasting time, I'm playing golf. It's my new hobby!
Dan: For the last time, your hobby is being my sidekick!
Mr. Bainbridge: [comes by] Hey C-man - is this vagrant bothering you?
Chris: Uh, no sir. Dan, this is my boss, Mr. Bainbridge. Mr. Bainbridge, this is my impertinent friend, Dan.
Mr. Bainbridge: Son, that is not why it's called a driving range. [chuckles]
Dan: Chris, I am going to count to 3. 1, [a golf ball smashes Dan's car windshield] WHO DID THAT?! I want a name! [he gets hit by a golf ball] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!!!
Mr. Bainbridge: Give me the wedge.
Dan: [dressed up like a Scottish Golfer, Scottish Accent] I don't see no wedge, mate. Nothing in here but golf clubs. [phone rings] Aye aye? This be him. No, I already get long distance service. Yes, I'll hear you out.
Mr. Bainbridge: Five strokes, right?
Dan: [Scottish Accent] Aye, sir.
Chris: Um, I had three.
Dan: [Scottish Accent] What did ye say? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye!
Mr. Bainbridge: What's going on here?
Dan: [Scottish Accent] This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
Mr. Bainbridge: You mean lower his score?
Dan: [Scottish Accent] Um, sure.
Mr. Bainbridge: That's ridiculous.
Dan: [Scottish Accent] I completely agree.
Mr. Bainbridge: Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
Dan: What? That's cheating!
Chris: Dan, knock it off.
Dan: [Scottish Accent] Who's Dan? I'm Scotty the Scot.
Chris: Just go home.
Dan: [takes off hat and sunglasses, normal voice] Not until you quit playing golf forever!
Mr. Bainbridge: Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here?
Dan: Stay out of this, fancy pants! This is between me and Chris!
Mr. Bainbridge: And security! [two security guards use binoculars, Mr. Bainbridge points at Dan]
Dan: You'll never take me alive!
Elise: OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"
Dan: I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
Elise: You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?
Dan: Can and has. [walks away]

The Gym [2.08]

Elise: So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?
Dan: I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!
Chris: They're called stationary bikes.
Elise: It's to get your heart rate up.
Dan: That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!
Chris: Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
Dan: That was said in confidence!
Dan: GYYY-OHHHH!! [ends up getting a pain so he wheezes instead] Gyyyyyyyyym...

The Wedding [2.09]

[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]
Hortence: This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
Red Girl: You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
Blonde Girl: I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?
Dan: Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?
Hortence: Uh, like, of course.
Dan: I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?
Blonde Girl: Dan!
Dan: Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?
Hortence: Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
Dan: And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.
Red Girl: Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!
Hortence: Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
Dan: I was just pointing out-
Blonde Girl: You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!
Dan: What? No.
Hortence: Yes!
Red Girl: Too much fun!
Dan: [voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER!
Dan: [after his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.
Chris: [laughs] So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!
Dan: It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!
Chris: It's a good look for you.
Dan: Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.
Chris: And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Chris: Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
Dan: There's no time for that!
Chris: There's always time for shrimp puffs.
Dan: I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Chris: Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Jeremiah: Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
Chris: [to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
Hortence: There's my bridesman!
Dan: Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Jeremiah: Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
Dan: You sir are a fraud!
[everyone gasps]
Jeremiah: What?!
Chris: Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
Hortence: Dan, what are you doing?
Dan: I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
Jeremiah: I most certainly have not!
Dan: He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Hortence: Did you think I didn't know that!
Dan: Uh, what?
Hortence: I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
Dan: Oh.
Jeremiah: This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Dan: Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
Hortence: [comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Dan: Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
Hortence: [angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
Dan: That's not how I feel about you!

The Catburglar [2.10]

[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]
Dan: What are you selling?
Miss O'Houlihan: I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]
Dan: I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.
Miss O'Houlihan: Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.
Dan: I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?
Miss O'Houlihan: I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?
Chris: Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?
Dan: Because I forgot to get her number.

The Dinosaur [2.11]

Dock Worker 1: We gotta take a look! You know what I heard what's inside?
Dock Worker 2: For the last time, we ain't suppose to look in the crates!
Dock Worker 1: I'll tell you what. I'll give you three hints.
Dock Worker 2: Can we drop this?! I’m gonna be late for pilates!
Dock Worker 1: Hint one: It's ain't supposed to exist Hint two: He's half spider, half man Hint three: He fights crime.
Dock Worker 2: Give me a break! Spider-
Dock Worker 1: Shhh! You're gonna wake him up.
Dock Worker 2: He’s a fictional character!
Dock Worker 1: Word on the dock is he's based on a real guy. I gotta get an autograph. [opens the latch as the dinosaur escapes]
Dock Worker 2: You’re gonna need a bigger pen.
Dan: A dinosaur, [finds out that his car was destroyed] JUST RUINED MY CAR! YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD AUTO INSURANCE! Wait. Where are you going? We have to exchange information! [the dinosaur leaves Dan's neighborhood] DINOSAUR!
Chris: [finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?
Dan: Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!
Chris: Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-
Dan: By a dinosaur.
Chris: Learning to- What?
Dan: I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.
Chris: You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?
Dan: Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.
Chris: I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.
Dan: Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.
Chris: I do not. I don't.
Ben: Whatever, fatso.
Chris: I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.
Dan: This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?
Ben: I mean, I've avoided them up to now.
Chris: Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.
Dan: Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.
[Ben gets inside Chris' car]
Chris: I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.

Stupidity [2.12]

Dan: Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.
Chris: Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"
Dan: Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?
Chris: It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?
Dan: This is your "must-see" television show?
Chris: Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.
Dan: I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.
Elise: What are you doing here, Dan?
Dan: What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.
Elise: Oh, he's not just watching it.
Chris: He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!
Dan: There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?
Elise: Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.
Dan: I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!
Chris: It's not an epidemic, Dan.
Dan: Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.
Elise: Come on.
Dan: Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!
Chris: Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.
Dan: But.
Announcer on TV: Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.
Dan: Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.
Elise: Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-
Announcer on TV: We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.
Chris: Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!
Elise: With clogged arteries for the contestants.
Announcer on TV: Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.
Governor of California: Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.
Man: Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?
Governor of California: Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?
Man: I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-
Governor of California: I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.
Man: I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.
Governor of California: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Announcer on TV: Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!
Dan: I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.
Chris: I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]
Dan: Gross!
Elise: You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.
[Dan and Chris head inside the Action Center for Action]
Dan: I demand to see the Governor.
Agent Bro-face: Whizza-what?
Dan: The Governor!
Agent Bro-face: Happy-pologies, scuba tank. No doma. Yerba mat-tay.
Dan: This is going nowhere. I think physical violence is our only recourse.
Chris: Agreed.
[Dan angrily grabs the Agent Bro-face's shirt]
Agent Bro-face: Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces!
Dan: [angrily] I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR!
Governor of California: Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]
Dan: Finally.
Chris: You're Eminence.
Dan: What are you doing?
Chris: I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?
Governor of California: So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?
Dan: That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.
Chris: I don't think he's legally-
Governor of California: Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.
Dan: Thank you. First of all-
Governor of California: Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.
Dan: [yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!
Agent Bro-face: Like I can read.
Dan: That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.
Governor of California: Oh I can do that.
[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor of California]
Dan: Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.
[Dan and Chris are sitting together at a diner]
Chris: I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries. Hey, when it gets here, time me!
Dan: [furious] Ugh! For the last time, no!
Chris: An athlete needs a support network, Dan. Don't you want to me my athletic supporter?
Dan: Don’t make this weird!
Chris: I need to find out if I have what it takes. I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.
[the Governor of California heads to the diner]
Dan: There he is!
[Dan and Chris walk up to the Governor of California]
Governor of California: And that's why, back on the farm, they used to-
Dan: So, Governor, we meet again.
Chris: Your majesty.
Dan: We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.
Governor of California: Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.
Dan: Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.
Governor of California: I agree.
Dan: So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.
Governor of California: I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.
Dan: Second, we can't cut education any further. We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.
Governor of California: Good. Science is for nerds. And hypocrites.
Dan: What?
Governor of California: Scientists. You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy?
Dan: Uh no. What?!
Governor of California: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.
Dan: Are you kidding me?!
Governor of California: Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son. I saw the first 5. Or maybe I saw one of 'em 5 times. [laughs] I'm not sure!
Dan: You are part of the problem!
Governor of California: Why do you hate America?
Dan: I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better!
Governor of California: You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA!
Governor of California and Chris: USA! USA! USA! USA!
[Dan and Chris are in the storage room]
Dan: There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.
Chris: I'm just seeing a lot of video games. Most of which I own.
Dan: Ah, ha! [picks up the fire ant farm] New plan. We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber. Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon?
Chris: [picks up a mini-fryer] A mini-fryer!
Dan: A what?
Chris: It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.
Dan: Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.
[Dan and Chris are at the Governor's office with their equipment]
Dan: [takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.
Chris: I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]
Dan: [whispering] He's coming! Get ready!
Chris: [he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!
Dan: I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]
Governor of California: [on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.
Chris: [gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.
Governor of California: You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.
Dan: [voiceover] I'll get you for this!
Governor of California: Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]
[the doctor picks up Chris with an ice pack on his butt]
Agent Bro-face: I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?
Chris: A lot?
Agent Bro-face: I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.
Elise: Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.
[at the end, Chris ends up in the hospital sick]
Dan: In retrospect, that may have been a mistake.

The Telemarketer [2.13]

Dan: [on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!
Chris: Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?
Dan: I have been repeatedly-
Chris: What?!
Dan: No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Chris: Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Dan: Weren't you a telemarketer?
Chris: Those were dark times.
Dan: [picks up the call] Hello?
Telemarketer: [on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?
Dan: STOP CALLING ME!
Chris: Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
Dan: Good. Now buy me lunch.
[while Chris and Elise are sleeping, Elise wakes up in the middle to hear Dan watching TV late at night]
Elise: Chris! Did you hear that?
Chris: Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?
Elise: Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.
Dan: Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?
Elise: I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?
Dan: Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?
Elise: What are you doing here?
Dan: Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!
Elise: Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?
Dan: I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.
Elise: Who does?
Dan: Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.
Elise: Why don't you turn your phone off?
Dan: I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.
Elise: Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.
Dan: I think you mean eviscerate.
Elise: I know what I said.
Chris: [wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?
Dan: Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.
Elise: Dan! You are leaving!
Dan: I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.
Elise: Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.
Dan: Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?
Elise: They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.
Dan: Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!
Elise: Chris, would you make us some cocoa?
[while Chris is making cocoa, Dan and Elise are sitting down on the table while Elise is using her computer]
Elise: They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.
Dan: 67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?
Chris: I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.
Dan: Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!
Elise: It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.
Dan: Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!
Chris: Good cocoa takes time.
Elise: I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.
Dan: That could take forever!
Elise: Let the record show I was done before Chris.
Chris: Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?
Elise: Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.
Dan: I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.
Elise: You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.
Dan: How do you mean?
Elise: They outsourced to Reseda.
Chris: What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.
Dan: Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!
Elise: As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]
Dan: Are you coming?
Chris: [angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!
Dan: [worried] But-
Chris: [angrily] SIT DOWN!
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]
Dan: [satisfied] Okay, that's really good.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise head to an office]
Elise: According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.
Dan: I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!
Chris: Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.
Telemarketer: Hiya, Dan. How've you been?
[Dan is shocked about the telemarketer]
Dan: It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!
Telemarketer: Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!
Dan: Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?
Telemarketer: So I should just let it go then?
Dan: I WOULD!
Telemarketer: By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Dan: Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?
Elise: Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Telemarketer: Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?
Elise: Huh. Alright, then.
Dan: And you'll stop calling me, too?
Telemarketer: [laughs] It's adorable that you think that.
Dan: Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.
Telemarketer: Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Elise: Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.
Dan: I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.
Telemarketer: Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?
Dan: Um, I had not thought of that..
Telemarketer: Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
Chris: You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Telemarketer: Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.
Dan: [yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
Telemarketer: To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.
Dan: [angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-
Telemarketer: I'll call you.
Dan: Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.
Elise: You mean crazy-er?
Dan: He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with!
Elise: Uh-huh.
Dan: [angrily] YOU HEAR ME IN THERE!? YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME MAD! I LAUGH AT YOU! [laughs angrily] YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BITE YOU! RARH! RARH! [grumbling to himself until Chris and Elise head to the car]
Dan: Bite his face off, that’s what I’ll do.
Elise: Calm down, Dan. Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-
Dan: You don’t need to explain. It’s like I told Chris when I was driving to your wedding. [Chris saddened] “Don’t marry Elise. She’s a jerk!”
Elise: What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee for me to help you now!
Dan: When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.
[They drop Dan off]
Dan: Some friends! Don’t expect my help when the people yout sent to jail for six months come back for revenge!
Dan: [waking up after passing out from sleeping gas, his apartment has been redecorated] Has my apartment been redecorated?!
Telemarketer: [in cat suit] That’s the thing, Dan. [startles Dan] Meow! You just never know what I’ll do. Isn’t that fun? Maybe I’ll redecorate your place. Maybe I’ll dress up as your cat. Do you love it? Or I could dress up as you and steal a police car. Who knows? Buh-bye now!
[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
Police Officer: Run this by me one more time.
Dan: Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
Police Officer: While you were in jail?
Dan: No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
Police Officer: So he's you?
Dan: No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
Police Officer: And then he attacked you?
Dan: Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
Police Officer: Because?
Dan: He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
Police Officer: I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
Telemarketer: [voiceover] Which means none, of course.
Dan: Did you hear that?
Police Officer: Uh, hear what?
Telemarketer: [voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
Dan: [yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
Police Officer: With pleasure. That door's that way.
Dan: [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
Telemarketer: [voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
Dan: [yelling] YOU'RE A JERK!
Police Officer: Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
Dan: I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
Police Officer: Oh, so he's here now?
Dan: No! Yes! I mean- No.
Telemarketer: [voiceover] That was very smooth.
Dan: [yelling] SHUT UP!
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
Telemarketer: [voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
Dan: [yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
Chris: Hey Dan. What's new?
Dan: He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
Elise: You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Dan: Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
Elise: Dan, do you trust me?
Dan: OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
[Dan chases the telemarketer through the street]
Telemarketer: [whining] Oh no Dan. [heads to the police station]
Dan: You can't hide in there!
Telemarketer: You've got to help me! He's crazy! He's crazy!
Police Officer: Who's crazy?
Dan: Now I've got you!
Telemarketer: Don't Dan.
Police Officer: You again? Put down the weapon, sir.
Dan: Back off, copper. This is between me and- [the police office teases him with a stun gun]
Telemarketer: I don't wanna be rude but, he's still moving. Could you-
Police Officer: I really shouldn't, but okay. [he continues to tease Dan]
[at the end, Dan is in jail, bragging to the imposter that he can't be bothered by telemarketing calls]
Dan: [in jail] So in conclusion, I'm using my one phone call to let you know that, while it would appear to the untrained observer that I have lost this battle, I have, in fact, won. I get to spend the next 6 weeks in a place where no telemarketer can call me. So, ha-ha!
Telemarketer: [in the lake fishing] Alright, Danno, I guess you did win. Man, that guy should learn to let stuff go. [whistles as the episode ends]

Reality TV [2.14]

[Chris is eating popcorn as Dan comes to scare him]
Dan: How can you watch that filth?
Chris: How long have you been standing there?
Dan: Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Chris: Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!
Dan: I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.
Chris: What slimeball?
Dan: Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!
Tony: [on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.
Buddy: [on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.
Dan: Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
Chris: [as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?
Elise: Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?
[Dan clears his throat as he leaves Chris and Elise's house]
Chris: You're right. One of us should probably stay.
Elise: How hard is it to turn off a TV?
Buddy Star: [on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
Director: [appears outside] What are you still doing here?
Dan: [throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.
Director: Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.
Dan: Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?
Director: Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.
Dan: Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]
Director: Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk. [Dan hits the director with a pillow]
[Dan is making a recipe]
Kelly: I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?
Dan: If you must know, a bomb.
Kelly: Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?
Dan: Nitroglycerin.
Kelly: I don't think I've ever tried that one.
Dan: And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]
Kelly: Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
Dan: What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?
Kelly: Yeah, pretty lame, huh?
Dan: [gives Kelly a rose] Here ya go. Ah, the sweet stench of victory!
Buddy: You won, big deal? We'll just have to keep reshooting it until you lose. Thanks for wasting everyone's time! [Buddy's phone rings] One sec. Uh huh. Uh huh. You too. That was the president of the network. He just canceled the show. Apparently the ratings were terrible. The only thing with less viewers was some Opera Documentary on Public Access.
Dan: Guess there won't be a reshoot after all.
Buddy: I've never had a show cancelled before! Never!
Dan: Wanted to ruin a reality show, check. Wanted to ruin Buddy Star's life, check. Guess the only thing left to do is go to Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
Jack: So, how about I take you on a real date sometime?
Kelly: Dude, I'm married. [leaves]
Jack: Oh.
[at the end, Dan arrives at Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp]
Dan: It's just like I imagined. [he heads inside Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp] Hey, what is this?
Announcer: Everyone, meet Dan. He's our last contestant on "They Told Me It Was Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But Instead I'm Trapped in a Steal Shipping Counter with a Ravenous Pack on Coyotes!"
[Dan screams as coyotes attack him inside the place as the episode ends]

Parents [2.15]

Dan: [finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?
Jean: There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?
Dan: I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?
Flynn: We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.
Jean: I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.
Flynn: Namaste.
Dan: Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!
Jean: Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!
Dan: Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug] PARENTS!!!!!
Dan: [yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!
[a man runs off screaming by Dan]
Chris: [while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.
Elise: At least we got all these great vegetables.
Dan: Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!
Elise: Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Dan: Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?
Chris: Woo-hoo!
Elise: OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
Dan: What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
Elise: It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Chris: Why do you know that?
Elise: Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--
Chris: [he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?
Dan: That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Chris: Well, you should write him sometime.
Dan: Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-
Chris: Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.
Dan: [as he leaves the car] Baby!
[Dan arrives at Toddler Todd's Tykeland while two little boys come close to him such as getting sprayed in the face and grossed out by a kid with boogers]
Dan: Ah! Ahem! [he goes on stage while a little boy hugs his leg with another little boy following him as he gets ready to give attention to everyone] Ahem!!!! [he grunts as a little kid hits him with a floatable hammer and kicks the recorder off the table] May I have your attention please? [angrily] SHUT UP!!! [normal voice] I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested. For clown trafficking. [the baby cries much to Dan's yelling] Yeah. I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan. Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you. DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge. The 3 pillars of parenthood.
Jean: Hi, Dan.
Dan: Jean Goodhill. We met earlier in the park. I'm not sure I understand. Well, Jean- [Jean's baby continues crying] Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves. Oh do you now? Watch and learn. Ahem. [imitating baby noises to Jean's baby] WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!!
Todd: [pops out of the car's trunk] This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.
Chris: That was random.
[the kids are working at Toddler Todd's Tykeland much to Dan's dismay]
Dan: Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit. You love this thing, right? [yells at Kale] BACK TO WORK! [Kale leaves] Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method. I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold. I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy. And I-
Jean: Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage?
Dan: Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.
Jean: I really hope you don't have kids. You'd make an awful parent.
Dan: What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world!
Todd: [shows up injured] Help me! I've been assaulted!
Jean: By who?
Todd: Him!
Dan: There's a simple explanation- [he runs off to Chris]
Chris: Hey, Dan, question for you-
Dan: No, it didn't go well in there. Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone. You have to lead by example. Chris, I've decided to become a father.
[Dan is having an interview at adoption agency]
Chris: Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.
Interviewer: Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?
Dan: Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.
Interviewer: Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?
Dan: Hmm, what do you think, Chris?
Interviewer: I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.
Dan: No preference.
Interviewer: Just sign here and you're all set.
Chris: Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?
Dan: So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?
Interviewer: Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.
Dan: But I wanted to drive home a new child today.
Interviewer: I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.
Dan: What do you mean, "settle"?
[the interviewer is giving Dan a tour]
Interviewer: This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.
Dan: It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?
Kid: [in an evil voice] This is not my true form.
Chris: [on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.
Elise: What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.
Chris: You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.
Elise: Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.
Chris: Aah! [hangs up]
Dan: [to Dennis] Never let take your shiv, kid, that's how you get punked.
[at the end, Dan and Dennis go out of the store as the police officer helps Dennis' mom picks Dennis up]
Dan: So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]
Dennis' Mom: There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.
Dan: What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.
Dennis' Mom: Dan, he'll never be yours.
Dan: Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.
Dennis' Mom: It's not just that.
Dan: Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.
Dennis' Mom: I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.
Dan: [angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.
Dennis' Mom: Oh, I will.
Chris: So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]
Elise: I think we already do.
Chris: Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.

Gigundo-Mart [2.16]

[Dan arrives at Gigundo-Mart]
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: Welcome to Gigundo-Mart. May I-may I- [coughs] May I see your membership card?
Dan: Nah. I'll just take a pat down.
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: Sorry, sir. We don't do pat downs. Members only.
Dan: Oh, in that case. [he runs inside Gigundo-Mart, only to be caught by the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: That's how we did it on San Juan hill.
Dan: I'll see myself out. San Juan Hill? Not my fault that guy had a bad vacation in Puerto Rico. [gasps as he saw Chris what he bought from Gigundo-Mart] Ah-ha! So the truth is revealed
Chris: Oh, hi Dan.
Dan: You're sleeping with the enemy.
Chris: I'm not sleeping with anyone. Plus, this isn't the enemy. It's just a store. They sell things. Things you might even want to buy. Lighter fluid, crow bars.
Dan: My crowbar is almost worn down to the nub. But I'm not gonna buy one here!
Chris: Right, you can't. They come in an 8 pack. Look, I like Gigundo-Mart's buck busting values on things I use every day. Help me with these raccoon traps?
Dan: I will not be an enabler. Either boycott this behemoth or this friendship is finito.
Chris: So it's your way or the highway?
Dan: Get this straight bulk-head: there is no highway! Just a lonely road with you on it!
Chris: My choco-dillas are melting. I'll see you later. [drives away]
Dan: You wish!
Dan: [heads inside Gigundo-Mart and makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk- [he ends up getting choked by the greeter]
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: [has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.
Dan: Shooting out or shooting in? [Gigundo-Mart Greeter angrily kicks him out and lands on the parking lot seeing the sign of Gigundo-Mart] You shut up!
Dan: [angrily] When I'm through, this place will be scorched earth!
Chris: What's not to like here? They sell everything you could possibly want.
Elise: [as she locked Chris inside a shed] Chris, this is for your own good. You're a bulk-buying addict.
Chris: Let me out! I'm missing so many bargains!
Elise: Your bargain days are over, mister. [angrily heads to Gigundo-Mart]
Dan: [at Ninja Dave's Cookies] Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wally sitting down]
Wally: At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover for 50 cents.
Dan: What?!!
Wally: Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.
Dan: GIGUNDO-MAR- Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.
Wally: Well.
Dan: Well what?! You holding out on me?
Wally: There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.
Dan: Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]
Dan: I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.
Wally: We're not that close.
Dan: If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile. So we should probably set the timer for 30 seconds just to be safe.
Wally: [reading the sign] Oh, they're hiring.
Dan: So what?
Wally: Well, I do need a new job. I heard this place has great benefits.
Dan: What about the cookies? [angrily grabs Wally by the suit] Think of the cookies man!
Wally: I need to cut down on sugar anyway.
Dan: Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! [sees Elise walking by] Elise, what are you doing here?
Elise: Taking this place down. I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.
Dan: Pssh! What can you do that I can't? [Elise shrinks a car] Awesome! Gimme, gimme!
Elise: Mitts off, little man.
Dan: Gimme! [they engage in SR51 tug-of-war, Elise's phone rings]
Elise: Hello? Chris, calm down. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Can you do that?
Chris: [using his foot as a hand on his phone to talk to Elise, he is having withdrawal symptoms] NO! Must...go...shop... So cold...
Elise: Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.
Chris: Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey. Pickle relish by the drum... Six pack of lawn mowers... Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor's in.
Dan: Let me talk to him. Maybe I can help. [Elise hands Dan her phone to talk to Chris] Hey, Chris, buddy, havin' a hard time?
Chris: Uh-huh!
Dan: Good! That's what you get for letting me down!
Elise: Dan! [Dan gives Elise her phone back, gives the SR51 to Dan] Chris, hand in there and- [Dan runs off] Hey!
[Dan hijacks the shopping cart, Elise chases him, the kid laughs, they enter inside Gigundo-Mart, the greeter looks at Dan while Wally is showing his membership card]
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: Membership Card? Halt!
Dan: [as he starts shrinking items] B-bye, bulk bargains.
Elise: Dan!
Dan: [gets scared and shrinks Elise] Wow.
Elise: Dan, you have dug your own grave.
Dan: Aawww, look at the itty-bitty Elise. Whose got the teeny tiny angry face? You do. Yes, youuuu. [Elise twists him and he traps her in a jar]
Elise: Dan! Turn me back right now!
Dan: I can't hear you! [puts the jar on the shelf] Stay there and be small and insignificant till I get back. [while the Gigundo-Mart Greeter seek revenge, Dan looks himself at the TVs] Huh, Chris is right, I do need a moisturizer. [he shrinks one TV and finds more to shrink but the Gigundo-Mart Greeter hits him by the flat stretcher leaving him wet] Hey! Whoaaaah!
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: You've breached our perimeter for the last time, sonny!
Dan: Back away, old man! And nobody gets shrunk!
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: I'll never abandon my post. I'll defend Gigundo-Mart until the day I die. Or 'til my shift ends. [he throws an heavy object to Dan as Dan shrinks it, hitting Dan in the head]
Dan: Don't say I didn't warn you.
[as Dan continues to shrink many items to defeat the Gigundo-Mart Greeter, Elise breaks the jar and frees herself out landing on Dan's head causing Dan to be knocked out, she looks at one of the mirrors and tries turns herself back to large]
Elise: Note to self: make the SR51 lighter. [the Gigundo-Mart Greeter finds her] Uh-oh. [turns herself back to large] Ugh. That's better. [she shrinks the cheese spray large as it lands on the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
Gigundo-Mart Greeter: Ugh. Okay, Guess I'll take my break now.
Elise: Dan!
Dan: Now, Elise. Aren't you always saying that revenge is a small minded solution? Or something stupid?
Elise: Get out of my way! [Dan leaves as she shrinks the nuts jar]
Customer: Hey! That's not a good price for such a tiny amount of food. This place is lousy.
[Elise shrinks various items around the store which makes customers leave and complain]
Dan: [satisfied] Well, my work here is done.
Elise: Mine isn't. [she shrinks the Gigundo-Mart store]

Chris [2.17]

Announcer: You're listening to K-L-I-E, the Lie! The Lie! All conspiracy theories, all the time. Now, before we give you proof that Bigfoot is working for the Vatican, it's time to- [Chris picks Dan up as he turns off the radio and drives away with him]
Chris: Morning, Dan.
Dan: Shhh! That's right, we're honoring the 25th anniversary of the film, "Space Monkeys from Planet Space" by giving away another awesome prize!
Chris: Space Monkeys from Planet Space? That is the greatest movie of all time!
Announcer: We're actually giving away the actual Space Monkey Death Ray Gun used by Captain Jack Tatterson.
Dan: The gun Captain Tatterson used to defeat the Blorg at the top of Mount Climax.
Chris: Sending all the monkeys into the green-screen abyss of planet space.
Announcer: Alright, the Space Monkey Death Ray Gun will go to the 97th caller who can tell me the name of the Space Monkeys from Planet Space's Cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school.
Dan and Chris: William Henry Harrison!
Dan: I can't get through!
Chris: Hello?
Announcer: Hi, you're on KLIE, The Lie! The Lie! Can you tell me the name of the cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school?
Dan: William Henry Harrison!
Chris: William Harry Henderson!
Announcer: Uh-we'll take it!
[Dan and Chris cheer but Chris' car goes out of control]
Dan: [in his apartment with his rewards] And now for the piece de resistance.
Chris: [comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.
Dan: [takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.
Chris: YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.
Dan: You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!
Chris: I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.
Dan: Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]
Chris: Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]
Dan: Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!
Chris: Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.
Dan: You wouldn't!
Chris: You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]
Dan: DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!
[Chris and Elise arrive in their room as they see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get Chris' death ray out of the wall]
Dan: Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.
Elise: What are you doing?!
Dan: Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
Chris: [angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?
Elise: All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?
Dan: I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!
Chris: Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.
Elise: I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.
Dan: As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]
Dan: [while walking through town] You don't tell me what the plan is, I tell YOU what the plan is. Huh. I have that same poster. And I have that exact foosball table. Weird. [sees two people dressed up as Dan] Wait a minute! [he runs to his apartments] Unhand my cat, you wretch!
Old Lady: [falls down through the stairs] Oh, my poor old lady hip!
Dan: [angrily arrives at his apartment] You!
Chris: Hey, Dan. I figured that since you can't tell the difference between your stuff and my stuff.
Dan: You gave everything away? Even my box of Dan's special memories?
Chris: All of it. How does that feel? [Dan angrily throws the grende to Chris] Was that a grenade? [Dan attacks and chokes him but he throws Dan off of him] Congratulations, Dan. Now your apartment is as bleak and empty as your soul. Have a nice day!
Dan: Chris is going to get his! I don't care if he DID leave me with my cereal and milk. [eats his cereal and milk but he realize it was cream] What? Oh, no! Oh you no good, rotten- uurrgghh! [lands on the floor] Mr. Mumbles You have to kill me. Please. I don't know how! Just do it!
[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Dan: Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
Chris: [comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
Dan: What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
Chris: [comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
Elise: It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Dan: Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
Chris: [angrily] Dan!
Dan: Uh-oh.
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
Elise Sr.: What happened?
Elise: Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
Don: And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
Chris: I'm fine. Thanks.
Elise: I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
Chris: You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Don: Um, where are you going?
Chris: Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
Chris: After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you CAN'T HAVE MY TOY! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
Dan: [angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
Elise: Chris!
Elise Sr.: Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Dan: What are we doing?
Chris: Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
Dan: [drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
Elise Sr.: Oh, come on!
Chris: Why didn't you kill me?
Dan: I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment and finally gives his Death Ray Gun to Dan]
Chris: Here, Dan. A Death Ray should never come between friends. I want you to have it.
Dan: Really?
Chris: Yes.
Dan: Thanks, Chris. This means a lot. I don't really have anywhere to put it, though. My Dan's box of special memories! You didn't give it away after all.
Chris: Nope. I couldn't bring myself to. Hey, they're doing a 25th anniversary screening of Space Monkeys tonight. You want to go?
Dan: You bet, buddy. [Chris closes the door, then he puts his Death Ray Gun in his locker along with the grenade, and then puts his box of special memories under the bed] Ah, there's nothing quite like friendship, is there, Mr. Mumbles? [Mr. Mumbles meows while Dan is in the bathroom] Huh. What's this X doing on the floor? Oh, no. [gets caught by a trap in the bathroom] Oh, come on!
[one week later, Dan arrives at Siberia by Elise's parents]
Fun Boss: Welcome to new job, Yankee pig-dog! [laughs] I am fun boss!
Dan: I'm in Siberia, aren't I?
Fun Boss: Da. You make ball bearings now. Here is chisel. Here is metal cube. You make like this!
Dan: I never catch a lucky break. I should be home in bed right now.
[at Dan's apartment, Mr. Mumbles wakes up and heads to the bathroom as the grenade explodes Dan's bed, he meows as the episode ends]

Wild West Town [2.18]

[Dan walks inside Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor]
Lady: Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor. Y'all want a table or a booth?
Chris: This place looks fun.
Dan: Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous. A place where men risk death just to order a drink.
Chris: Ooh! Root beer floats! [Dan drags him out]
Chris: [after Dan defeated the manager] Congratulations, Dan. For a second there, I thought you were done for. But then, bam, what a twist!
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