Community/Season 3

Season 1 2 4 5 6 Main

Community (2009–2015) is an American sitcom that premiered on NBC and Yahoo Screen about students at a community college in the fictional city of Greendale, Colorado. The show would run for six seasons on NBC and Yahoo Screen, hence the #sixseasonsandamovie hashtag.

[Jeff daydreams about he and the study group singing a song to celebrate the beginning of a new year at Greendale Community College]

Jeff: We're gonna fly to school each morning,
We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta: We're gonna be more happy,
We're gonna finally be fine!

Abed: We're gonna get more calm and normal,

Troy: We're gonna fix our state of mind!

Annie: We're gonna be less crazy,

Everyone: We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley: We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,
Far away from the borderline!

Dean: We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

Chang: And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

Everyone: We're gonna have more fun and be less weird
Than the first two years combined!
And we're gonna live forever!

Jeff and Annie: And we're gonna sleep together!

Everyone: And we're gonna finally
Be sunny and shinily
We're gonna finally be fine!

[Abed is watching the sixth episode of Cougarton Abbey, a British TV show recommended to him by Britta, when everyone on the show poisons themselves, leaving Abed confused]

Abed: Uhmm...

Troy: Britta, why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

Britta: They only ran six episodes. That's the great thing about British TV - they give you closure!

Shirley: Ohh!

[Abed starts screaming, then becomes unresponsive as if he were a robot that shut down]

Troy: No, no, no! We'll find you a new favorite show! We'll find you a new favorite show! C'mon, buddy! [to Britta] You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!

Troy: How is this still happening?

Pierce: I can't remember what regular air smells like.

Annie: Jeff, do something or we're gonna lose!

Jeff: Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

[Troy, Shirley, and Pierce laugh]

Annie: Jeff!

Jeff: Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.N., much like the real U.N., quickly falls apart when faced with actual-

Annie: NOOOOOOO! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface, and I'm better than you!

Jeff: Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way!

[Annie stops her temper tantrum and leaves]

Jeff: Okay. Uh, that made me sound creepy... but-but here's the thing. [runs away]

Annie: Greetings, people of Earth Two.

Annie Kim: What is this?

Annie: We represent the United Nations of Earth One, using our Switzerland's hadron collider and resources from every nation, the people of our planet have constructed a trans-dimensional gateway here.

Annie Kim: They can't do this!

Professor Cligoris: The science works out.

Annie: We come to you with an offer. We have achieved world peace, tying our score with yours. But we are willing to concede our victory if you agree conceding yours, forming one gigantic United United Nations.

Professor Cligoris: We did it.

Annie Kim: You're a fool. Your ultimatum is itself a technical act of aggression. If we simply refuse to recognize your authority, we still remain ahead and you lose.

Annie: But you win a simple game. The larger, symbolic victory will be ours.

Annie Kim: Ooh-la-la. We refuse. I'll take the real victory.

Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: a fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!

Annie: [To Jeff] Who the hell are you always texting?! Everyone you know is here!

Todd: What is wrong with you people?! Huh?! I thought you were supposed to be friends! I thought you were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird! And toxic! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer care about grades! Or Biology, or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father. I'm going home. I'm going to hold my wife and my child close and I'm going to finally take my insulin shot! Offense taken! [Quietly] Offense taken.

Abed: I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

[Everybody gasps]

Shirley: Abed!

Abed: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

[Jeff snickers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]

Shirley: [in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]

Britta: Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley: Of you.

[Britta gasps]

Abed: Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.

Britta: Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

Troy: [speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta: Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Jeff: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Britta: Exactly! Life got dark.

Abed: All because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff: Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed: It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]

Jeff: What is this?

Abed: Of all the timelines this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.

Evil Jeff: [visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Evil Abed: Certainly.

Evil Jeff: I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Evil Abed: Goatees.

[Evil Jeff storms out of the study room followed by Evil Britta and Evil Shirley]

[Evil Troy puts on his felt goatee, Evil Abed looks at him approvingly]

Evil Troy and Evil Abed: [singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Abed: Here we are: a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.

Britta: That makes sense. I'm turned on by how logical you are.

[...]

Abed: And I am comforted by your shiny hair and facial symmetry.

Jeff: I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.

[Pierce has decided to do a gay bash party for his new product]

Britta: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.

Annie: Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.

Jeff: Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

[Jeff confronts Pierce's father]

Jeff: Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late.

Britta: [To Annie] I forgot you're twenty. When you become roommates with friends, the things you love about them become the things that makes you want to smother them with a pillow.

Troy: There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.

Abed: Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?

Troy: And what's the iron for?

Abed: And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?

Troy: We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

[Jeff, wearing a bald cap, took up the role of Dean Craig Pelton for the commercial of Greendale Community College]

Jeff: Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.

Abed: How did that make you feel?

Jeff: I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.

Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isn't, then I've given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.

Abed: Are you by any chance familiar with Stockholm syndrome?

Annie: Is it something that the Dean created? Because if not, I don't care.

Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.

Karl: Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.

Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

Juergen: Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.

Jeff: Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. Juergen scores a point]

Juergen: I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

Karl: You take that back!

Juergen: We came to play. Get away from our table.

Shirley: We're using it, strudel-brain.

Jeff: Nice.

Juergen: Then play us for it.

Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.

Juergen: Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff: We're gonna kick das butt.

Shirley: Nice.

Jeff: Thank you.

Juergen: Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]

Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a twenty-five dollar bit, and it's not even that good!

Annie: Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley: I think it's festive.

Jeff: Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed: Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

Troy: That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley: You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie: I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

Troy: You're not taking both of them?

Annie: Well, one's dead.

Troy: What?!

Abed: I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff: I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley: Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

Greendale Glee Club: Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Shirley: ...Actually, maybe I do.

Greendale Glee Club: Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

ROCK ON!

Britta: Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley; it's just you and me now! Jeff?

Jeff: [singing one long note] Aaahhh-

Britta: [screaming] AAAHHH-!

Mr. Rad: Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant!

Jeff: And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad! I just hope we can repay you by making regionals!

Pierce: I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut the importance.

Vicki: Places, everyone!

[the study group squeals and wanders off]

Mr. Rad: I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.

Abed: I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.

Mr. Rad: And it's going to continue to be a good time! If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals! And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis!

Abed: Oh. But I kinda thought this was...you know, just for Christmas.

Mr. Rad: No, no, no! This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.

Abed: Britta.

Britta: Is this about regionals?

Abed: I just talked to Cory, and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.

Britta: Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

Abed: It's an emergency.

[Britta looks confused]

Abed: This will help us get to regionals.

Britta: I knew it! Wait, where are the lyrics?

Abed: They're in your heart, Britta.

Britta: Right! Duh-doi!

Study Group: [singing] We are everyone

And we are everything!

Britta: [singing terribly] Christmas tiiiiiime!

[crowd gasps]

Dean Pelton: Oh, Britta's in this?

Britta: When are we going to outgrow this outmoded concept of marriage?

Annie: What, you're anti-weddings now?

Jeff: No, she's just pro-anti.

Britta: No to everything you both said!

Annie: Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!

Britta: [sadly] I know.

Annie: What's wrong with you?

Britta: This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Annie: Many do.

Britta: But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything, and now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...

Abed: Ooh, easy.

Troy: Slow down.

Annie: What's with you guys?

Troy: We de-whimsified ourselves.

Abed: We're normal now.

Annie: Oh. Good?

Andre: Hey, anyone seen Shirley?

Abed: What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.

Andre: Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.

Abed: I'm not being sarcastic.

Troy: We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

Andre: ...Walk away, man.

[Troy and Abed do just that and walk away from Andre]

Annie: [to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?

Jeff: Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-

Annie: Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!

Jeff: Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.

Britta: I do. It's inevitable.

Dean Pelton: I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Troy: Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.

Pierce: Unfiltered. I get it.

Britta: Get what?

Britta: [To Shirley and Pierce] I am not a whore, and, not that I've done the math, but, if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

Narrator: Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds, but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.

Annie: One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.

Jeff: [voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Annie: You two are bad friends! Bad!

Troy: That's unfair! What about you guys? You don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade", there's phones in the refridgerator - oops!

[Britta runs off to the kitchen; Troy and Annie grab her and drag her to Annie's bedroom]

Annie: Troy, Abed!

Britta: LET ME SEE IF HE CALLED! I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! YOU'RE MONSTERS! YOU'RE HITLERS! YOU'RE RACIST PEDOPHILES! YOU'RE THE OPPOSITES OF BATMAN!

Troy: You don't know what that means!

Britta: I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR THROATS AND EAT YOUR-

[Abed shuts and locks the door before Britta can finish her threat]

Annie: Still think the lock was overkill?

Troy: No.

Annie: [imitating Troy] "There's phones in the refridgerator!" [to Troy] It's you.

Troy: She was born in the 80's - she still uses her phone as a phone!

Abed: Uh-oh.

Annie: That's fine, it's fine. We just won't answer it.

Abed: Won't it go to your voicemail?

Jeff: None of us have to "go to" anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Pierce: I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie: You don't have a patent on being a control freak, Abed.

Abed: I sorta do.

Troy: How did we get the short straw?

Abed: It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.

Troy: Yeah, well, it looks pretty cold to me.

Abed: Cold or dead?.

Troy: Survey says...

Abed: We can't both do the zinger.

Jeff: If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

Annie: Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Britta: Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...

Jeff: Student.

Britta: ...I hereby offer my licensed...

Jeff: Unlicensed.

Britta: ...services as a grief counselor.

Jeff: Grief causer.

Britta: If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...

Jeff: Not even close.

Britta: ...is in.

Pierce: LET'S BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!

Carl Bladt: I think I've heard enough, and I don't see what choice I have. Greendale Seven—Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes—you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May God have mercy on your souls.

Jeff: What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?

Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

Pierce: I'm a millionaire, I'm an inventor, I'm a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt!

Dean Pelton: [as a doctor in the "Greendale Asylum"] That's sad. Should we increase their lithium?

Garrett: [with Dan Harmon's voice] Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

Britta: You're just jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.

Pierce: [about Abed] Uh-Oh. He's playing the Rain Man card. Let's bounce.

Troy: There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta: Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff: Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta: Yes!

Pierce: Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff: Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Pierce: A. That is racist. B. Swamis can't drive, they're Indians.

Britta: Today is Abed's first therapy session.

Jeff: His what?

Britta: He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?

Leonard: Classic tee-up.

Britta: Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.

Leonard: No such thing as bad press!

Jeff: Your honor, I have no closing statement...because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is... the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is, helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Pierce: I withdraw my case. Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship? You're fired!

Alan: Way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.

Jeff: I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.

Alan: This place has made you so gay...

Pierce: Hey, don't use "gay" as a derogatory term! Booyah! Good person!

• Community/Season 3 quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Official site