Community/Season 5

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Community (2009–2015) is an American sitcom that premiered on NBC and Yahoo Screen about students at a community college in the fictional city of Greendale, Colorado. The show would run for six seasons on NBC and Yahoo Screen, hence the #sixseasonsandamovie hashtag.

Abed: A repiloting can be intense. New people show up, regulars shift roles or even fall away. Season 9 of Scrubs, Zach Braff was only in the first six episodes.

Troy: Son of a bitch! After everything Scrubs did for him?

Annie: Chang was faking his Changnesia?

Troy: They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley: After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed: That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Abed: But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.

Shirley: You're throwing away all your little movies. Why?

Abed: They have no value anymore.

Shirley: Well, if you're looking for something to believe in, I know a skinny little Hebrew handyman you can meet.

Abed: I'm not going to become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. This was my religion. I thought the meaning of people was somewhere in here. Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage, and I found a secret. People are random and pointless.

Shirley: Well, in my religion, the whole point is that you can't understand every little thing, and you know, there's a word for people who remind you that you're not God, and invite you try a little harder. Prophets, messiahs, Kung-Fu-Pandas...

Abed: So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?

Shirley: Uh, no, but he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job. And that's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot, and be right no matter what. A demon to some, and an angel to others, like a Cenobite.

Abed: Excuse me, did you just say "Cenobite"?

Shirley: Yeah, you know, Cenobite - like, from Hellraiser.

Abed: You like Hellraiser? You know the word "Hellraiser"?

Shirley: I thought Pinhead in Space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Dean: I am hereby banning change from this campus.

Professor Buzz Hickey: You really think that's an effective...

Dean: Well guess what? Your two cents is change, and it's banned.

Jeff: These are lyrics from songs from Dave.

Annie: Who?

Jeff: Dave Matthews... oh, excuse me for being alive in the 90's and having two ears connected to a heart!

Jeff: [after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of The Grey keeps changing?

Abed: Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff: I like Liam Neeson.

Abed: Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes. Do you have a special handshake that you only perform with Mr Nadir?

Troy: Um, Yeah. [Troy and Abed do the handshake]

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?

Troy: Um ... Yes.

Polygraph Operator: Lie.

Mr. Stone: Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the YouTube channel "Fun with Friends"?

Troy: No.

Polygraph Operator: Lie.

Troy: SILENCE, WENCH!!

Mr. Stone: [Reading Pierce's final questions for the study group] Abed, do you know that you're insane and everything you ever said never made any sense to me?

Abed: Yep.

Mr. Stone: Here's your sperm. [The assistant positions a cylinder containing Pierce's frozen sperm in front of Abed]

Britta: I want to say something to you guys about mental health...

Jeff: Is that Britta? Is she alive?

Shirley: Why did you think she was dead?

Troy: We kinda...left her?

Annie: Left her for dead?

Abed: Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?

Britta: You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, AWOOOO!

Chairwalkers: AWOOOO!

Vicki: My name was Vicki! Tell my story!

Garrett: These are my only pants; I can't get them dirty!

Magnitude: I'M ACTUALLY BRITISH!

Shirley: Leonard, butter them up!

Leonard: You got it!

[Leonard pumps melted butter through several small tubes, which sends some of the Chairwalkers slipping into the lava]

Leonard: Cirque du so long, you high-stepping acro-bastards!

Abed: Okay, we'll go into the vents. They'll never find us there.

Troy: I say we take a stand here. I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.

Abed: Not if we never kill each other. Then we can play forever.

Troy: Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.

Abed: It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game were you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either, I swear. I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.

Troy: So the only way I can help you is by giving up my chance to... be one person?

Abed: Clone Troy.

Troy: Clone Abed.

Abed: By the way, when I cloned you, I had to patch some missing parts of your DNA with genes from a homing pigeon. You may notice side effects, like the compulsion to come back.

Troy: Cool. Clone hug?

Annie: The midterm dance will need a visual theme. Like, 'Let's blow off steam,' and it's trains!

Chang: I have an idea!

Annie: Chang, your last idea was to murder.

Jeff: I guess it could use a little something, theme-wise.

Chang: I have an idea. [everyone turns around] Bear down for midterms.

Jeff: What?

Chang: Bear down for midterms.

Duncan: You can't just repeat it, you need to explain yourself.

Chang: There's a brand-new dance

Based on an old phrase

It's called the Fat Dog

And it will amaze

You've heard this expression your entire life

It's not made up,

It's not made up

There's a brand-new dance

Based on an old phrase

It's called the Fat Dog

And it will amaze

You've heard this expression-

Garrett: IT'S A BEAR DANCE!!

Duncan: Isn't she great? She's everything I love about America. Bold, opinionated, just past her peak. And starting to realize she that she has to settle for less. And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, BAM! [pulls out handkerchief] Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.

Jeff: Well, I'm out. Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry. I tried to make that sound good, but uh, that’s what you’re doing.

Britta: Where are we going?

Duncan: Well, I think you should go home. Because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it. Is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.

Britta: I think you're right, thank you. And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.

[Duncan starts hitting the steering wheel]

Britta: What's wrong?

Duncan: Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing... Th-th-the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

Dean: Now, Jeffrey, I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage!

Jeff: Craig, I got this.

Britta: And do I hear correctly that as a Five, you felt you could park in handicapped spots?

Koogler: Well, you see, that's just part of the Koogler style.

Britta: It's human crap style! RATE HIM!

[the assembly of Ones reduce Koogler's Meowmeowbeenz score to one]

Koogler: Okay, well, that's low...

[the assembly of Ones boos and pelts paper balls at Koogler]

Britta: All Fives must be cleansed of their Five filth and reduced to One-ness.

Abed: Jeff! Hey! Shirley! I'm not a Five anymore; I'm like everyone else! I'm like everyone else...

Britta: Who's next?

Jeff: Alright, time to pull the plug... Oh, Great Mother of Ones, mustard-faced savior, there is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.

Britta: Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.

Jeff: This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of emails, and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.

Koogler: So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?

Jeff: Delete it. [the assembly of Ones deletes their apps] By the way, guys, it's a Saturday. Uh, you're all in school for nothing. Go home and get some sleep.

Britta: No! No! Wait! No, don't go! Where are you going?! No...

Dean Pelton: Well, I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say

Your checks will arrive on another day.

Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar.

Another stuffed shirt with another white collar.

Criminals, Wall Street takin' the pie,

All the black man gets is a plate of white lies!

Prisons are recruitin' and police be shootin',

And rap artists lootin' and the labels are dilutin',

and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME!

COS I DON'T SWALLOW KNOWLEDGE, AND I SPIT IT FOR FREE!

LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA-

[Dean Pelton drops microphone in horror]

Dean Pelton: ...I don't know what that was... I don't...

Annie: Flip a coin?

Abed: Coins create parallel timelines.

Annie: Rock Paper Scissors?

Abed: That's a nine-sided coin.

Annie: Guys, let's play D&D to help Hickey reconnect with his son!

Abed: Was everyone's take-away from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?

Jeff: We prevented one. Fa...bulous Neil felt like a nobody, and thanks to us, he's still out there, doing this and that in the background. [Neil walks by in the background]

Abed: A satisfying sequel is difficult to pull off. Many geniuses have defeated themselves through hubris, making this a chance to prove I'm better than all of them... I'm in!

Hank Hickey: Look, you think I'm the bad guy because I didn't invite him to my son's birthday. But you know where he was for most of my birthdays? Little place that rhymes with "not there."

Chang: Times Square?

Narrator: G.I. Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it: the bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.

Wingman (Jeff): You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander (Dean): Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!

Wingman: Craig, it's me. Jeff.

Dean: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?

Fourth Wall (Abed): No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.

Jeff: This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.

Shirley: I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.

Jeff: You got something in your teeth.

Shirley: Mhm. You got something in your chest.

Annie: We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.

Hickey: Why?

Annie: Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.

Jeff: Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.

[Jeff enters the study room to find Britta sitting at the table alone]

Jeff: Hey.

Britta: Hey.

Jeff: So...what are you gonna do?

Britta: I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender. You?

Jeff: Subway offered me a job.

Britta: Nice! [quick pause] I'm worried about Abed and Annie. They're not ready for this to end.

Jeff: Yeah, they're part of the "adulthood begins at 30" generation. I'm...I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of-

Britta: Sanity?

Jeff: Yes! Sanity. Yeah, I mean, it's over, but on the other hand, it's over.

Britta: Amen. And to think, this all started because you wanted to-

Jeff: Nail you. [chuckles] Yeah, I regret nothing.

Britta: Don't. I mean, after everything that's happened here, what did either of us get done aside from each other?

Jeff: Exactly, and what are either of us gonna be leaving...with...?

[pause]

Britta: "Um...I should go clean out my locker," she said at the age of 33...

[Britta gets up and starts to leave, but Jeff stops her]

Jeff: Let's get married.

Britta: What?

Jeff: Yeah, right? I mean, this is what matters, right? This is what keeps people from being pointless! Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford, and a dog that makes us angry.

Britta: And dedicate an entire cabinet to grocery bags and realize we have a favorite brand of olive oil?

Jeff: Yes; marry me.

Britta: Okay, yeah.

[they both embrace and kiss]

Britta: Yeah...uh, yeah, this feels...right. Let's get out of here and never look back.

Jeff: Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors and pull these shades. We've never had sex on the new table.

Britta: Yes, two for two! Medium roughness, high tempo?

Jeff: Let's make it a number eight.

[suddenly, Dean Pelton, Abed, and Annie burst in the room]

Dean Pelton: BURIED TREASURE!

Annie: So we're trapped in here forever. Or at least until we run out of food and water.

Jeff: At least we'll have each other.

Britta: Till death do us part...

Annie: You know what? You guys can have my food and water.

Dean Pelton: You're here to save me, aren't you?

Britta: Let's get out of here and never look back.

Abed: Jeff, in case you have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?

Jeff: Shut up, Abed.

Jeff: M'lady.

Annie: M'lord.

Annie: Did we save Greendale? Did we just save Greendale?!

Carl: No! No, you did not! You moved dirt around Greendale's grave! Your school is still bankrupt, it is still unmarketable, and is still on the permanent chopping block of anyone who has any say in its future!

Dean Pelton: Yeah? Well, around here, we call that Wednesday.

Professor Duncan: Hey, after I was electrocuted, didn't you two say you were gonna get married?

Britta: Doesn't "electrocuted" technically mean "killed"?

Jeff: Do you always have to correct people like that?

Britta: Do you always have to police correcting?

Jeff: That's it; the marriage is off.

Britta: I think you mean the wedding is off.

Jeff & Britta: Yeah! [they high-five]

Annie: We live to fight another day.

Abed: Speaking of days, I never got a chance to wish you a happy birthday. Or Halloween, or Christmas, or any other specific calendar event.

Annie: Well, maybe next year.

Abed: Definitely. We'll definitely be back next year. If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. [Looks straight into camera] And that's canon.

• Community/Season 5 quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Official site