Ghosts (Season 2)

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Ghosts (2021–present) is an American single-camera sitcom, airing on CBS, about a young couple whose dreams come true when they inherit a beautiful country house, only to find it's both falling apart and inhabited by many of the deceased previous residents.

Tom: I feel as if I've died and went to heaven.

Alberta: If only if it were that simple.

Samantha: A podcast is like a... like a TV show but without the pictures.

Alberta: Baby, that's called radio. What you're describing is radio.

Samantha: The guy's kind of a stalker.

Lewis: Sam, someone who stalks a dead person is called a historian.

Peter: What happened with the washing machine?

Hetty: No one knows, Peter, it's simply one of the magical mysteries of the universe.

Alberta: I knew Clara dabbled in bootlegging, mostly 'cause I dabbled in bootlegging.

Trevor: Damn, check out the hottie.

Isaac: Yeah, she is delecta---oh wait! I don't have to pretend anymore! That's nice.

Jay: Yeah, okay, so he's a bit hippie-dippie, I'll give you that, but you don't know him yet.

Flower: Huh. Nobody ever talks about a cult being in the wrong.

Alberta: I feel like people do.

Isaac: Just talk to them. As a delegate to the Second Continental Congress, I took part in difficult negotiations. But through dialogue, we found interests that aligned.

Sasappis: If a bunch of white, male landowners can find common ground, then anything is possible.

Samantha: Have you ever thought about what living forever would actually mean?

Samantha: She says hi.

Jay: [answering phone] Woodstone B&B, are you canceling for the reason I think you are?

Sasappis: You know, I don't think it was just about the markings that I made on the tree. It's that everything's gone. My people were pushed out. I watched all of it happen. And that tree was the last thing left from when I was alive. And now it's gone, too.

Bob: A land acknowledgement isn't something for me to do. It's something for you to do. I already know about our history.

Hetty: In my day, the occult was all the rage, why not conduct a séance? . . . I had one once to impress Mrs. Astor. And it worked; the lights flickered, the smell of death surrounded us, and I'm just now realizing that was Thor and Isaac messing with us.

Samantha: I dropped an earring earlier, and I need help looking for it.

Hetty: But all your jewelry is so cheap, why even bother?

Samantha: Both of you were stuck in a patriarchal system that pitted women against each other because holding a man accountable wasn't an option.

Both: Spirit, spirit, listen clear.

Isaac: Through a combination of shrewd bargaining and a general disdain for physical touch, which leads her to never cash them in, Hetty has amassed a vast wealth of back rubs.

Jay: Do you think we can climb out that window? Or should we just jump?

Samantha: Can't we just go down the stairs and walk out the front door?

Jay: OK. Take my hand, close your eyes, and whatever you do, don't touch anything

Thorfinn: Children not born with hate in their heart; they must be taught it. And I was not there to teach him.

Thorfinn: Yeah. Ugh.

Isaac: And while today he may be celebrated as a great man, it turns out Hamilton was a bit of a nose-picker.

Ben Franklin: Higgintoot.

Thorfinn: Careful.

[Samantha gets electrocuted and falls on top of Thorfinn.]

Samantha: What happen? Why hands so small and clean?

Ghosts: Merry Christmas, Sam!

Pete: It-it wasn't your fault, though. I mean, you were still figuring things out yourself.

Flower: Ooh. What's going on?

Hetty: It's time we finally discuss our little Christmas dalliance.

Sasappis: My relationship's on the line and Jay's pinching pennies.

Hetty: Tara Reid is giving a speech.

Jay: Okay. What do Vikings eat?

Jay: Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Terry: So, you're proposing a book about a regular guy who was near some things and then crapped himself to death?

Samantha: Isaac, you don't need to have a book written about you to be a significant person. You fought in the Revolutionary War. You invented the sniper rifle!

Isaac: And killed a British officer with it from a hundred paces.

Samantha: And then you got that guy to date you. After that!

Isaac: That is pretty impressive.

Issac: Sweet, sweet external validation! We're somebody again!

Elias: I'll need you all to reintroduce yourselves. Last time, I wasn't listening, because I didn't care. But that was the old Elias. The new Elias sees you all as equals. Even the women.

Isaac: Well, that is some growth.

Elias: Oh, you know hell. Lots of, uh, paperwork.

Samantha: You can send emails?

Elias: Yes, hell is mostly emails. And Zooms that should have been emails.

Hetty: You should've thought of that before you traded your soul to save some snot-nosed urchin.

Isaac: She never was much of a little kid person.

Hetty: Well, that's nonsense, I employed hundreds of them.

Pete: I can't go to hell! Elias said my soul's too pretty!

Elias: Let's see, what else am I sorry for? I lost your family china in a poker game, then blamed it on the valet.

Hetty: That's where that went? Gerald went to prison.

Elias: And I'm truly sorry.

....

Hetty: OK, I suppose that's not an unforgiveable act.

Elias: Oh! Once I partook in all of your cocaine and replaced it with wig powder.

Hetty: YOU'RE A MONSTER!

Alberta: Don't let up.

Alicia: Her toenail?

Alberta: No! I just fixed you, why're you doing something dumb again?!

Alberta: We found Crash's head.

Crash: Hiya, Toots.

Samantha: Oh, my God!

Samantha: [talking to the ghosts] So you're saying we should threaten Carol to get the wedding here?

Jay: These silences, man, things escalate very quickly in these silences.

...

Samantha: Then let's report a triple homicide.

Jay: OK, I'm gonna need some more frequent updates.

Isaac: The truth is I sort of just...forgot.

Stephanie: Are you happy to see me?

Stephanie: You know, I'm technically 54 years old now.

Samantha: I have one day to solve Alberta's murder.

Thorfinn: You just drink alcohol even though no idea who gave it to you.

Alberta: And you just traipsed through a field wearing a metal helmet during a lightning storm? What's your point, Thor? We all got here somehow.

Hetty: Alcohol is highly addictive, with none of the productive or medicinal qualities of cocaine.

Samantha: Has anyone ever talked to the basement ghosts about what they saw that night?

Hetty: I'll be honest, I didn't know until very recently that they could speak.

Al Capone: This'll teach Alberta to facepalm me.

Trevor: I'm gonna Google "Nigerian prince" and see if it's in the news!

Pete: I feel so...dumb.

Flower: Ok, so he lied to us about being a prince. But at least we helped someone get off of Snake Island. And that's what's important.

Pete: I feel less dumb.

Alberta: But why would he want to kill me? I didn't even know the man.

Thorfinn: Actually, much harder to kill person you know. Sometimes not even fun.

Pete: How much was the advance?

Sam: $20,000.

Isaac: My God, you could buy Delaware!

Pete: Cheese and crackers!

Isaac: I fear our relationship is not at the stage where I would feel comfortable cohabitating.... So let's take our relationship to that stage.

Flower: Not every conversation has to make sense!