Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"

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Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon" is an adult animated television series created by Canadian animator John Kricfalusi for the cable network Spike TV, now Paramount Network. It was developed as an "extreme" revamp of The Ren & Stimpy Show, which had previously aired on the American children's cable network Nickelodeon, and is noted for being significantly more vulgar and inappropriate than the original series.

Ren: What a dump! I'm sorry Stimpy, but I'm just too damn tired tonight. I just gotta get some sleep. Bugger off okay?

Stimpy: But, Ren.

Ren: What is it now, Stimpy?

Stimpy: I have needs.

Ren: Oh, I don't give a rat's ass about your needs. [gets an idea] Oh, Stimpy! Close your eyes and pucker up.

Stimpy: Joy!

Ren: Oh, what I'm going to do to Stimpy. Oh yes, it's so good, look. Look, a rat's ass. Here it is!

Ren: What did I just tell you?! Who's the pitcher, who's the catcher?!

Stimpy: You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! See? [points to a chalkboard indicating said terms]

Ren: What do you think is the difference between boogers and goobers, Stimpinton?

Stimpy: A stooge question, Renwick. Why don't we ask the greatest genius in the world.

Ren: Who's that?

Stimpy: Dr. Stupid. Who else?

[Ren changes the channel, showing Stimpy as Dr. Stupid.]

Dr. Stupid: Today's question is, what is the difference between boogers and goobers? Actually, the difference is merely superficial. These are just two different words that both represent wet things. More specifically, wet things that come from inside your head.

Male V.O.: Thank you, Dr. Stupid.

[The scene changes back to Ren and Stimpy in the spittoon.]

Ren: [chuckles] Wet things that come from your... "HOELS". ["holes"]

Stimpy: Don’t put those horrible chemicals in your hair, Ren.

Ren: Why?

Stimpy: [Digs for something from under the tub. It’s revealed to be “Farmer Hanky”] Here! [Closeup of the can] Use all natural Farmer Hanky’s shampoo.

Ren: I’d like to try it.

Man: Oh, my God! The spitoon’s filled with vermin! [Sucks his spit back in and swallows. Cut to another guy, who appears to be sleeping in his own puke]

Man 2: That’s disgusting! [He sucks the puke back into his head. Another guy sucks in his snot, and a chicken sucks in its eggs. A guy with 1 eye takes the other eye in his glass and sucks it into where his other eye would’ve been. The bartender notices the chaos]

Juahini: [While a glass breaks] Holy crap! [Looks around] I’m gonna lose all my BUSINESS! [Cut to everyone in the spittoon terrified and screaming at Ren and Stimpy, who’s still in the vase] I better do something fast! [He jumps over and looks at Ren and Stimpy with a cold look. Ren and Stimpy descend into the vase, but the bartender grabs the vase] Get out of my FUCKING bar you vermin sons of bitches! [He dumps them outside, and he and the others start spitting at them]

Stimpy: You MONSTER! How can you say... those horrible things... to ME?! [crying] You son of a bitch...!

Ren: I'm sorry, Stimpy. I don't know why I do these things to you. I'm just a pig!

Stimpy: [crying] Oh, you bastard!

Ren: Please forgive me!

Stimpy: Don't you touch me, you beast! "Forgive me". Words, empty words! That's all they are! No. Not this time! You've gone too far, this time, Ren! [crying]

Ren: I know I'm insane, Stimpy. I know I can't control my vile urges! But this time, I'll do something about it! I'll seek help. I'll do it for you!

[Stimpy stops crying, and dramatically turns to Ren.]

Stimpy: Don't do it for me. Don't do it for me! Do it... for YOURSELF! [crying] I’m gonna kill you… [Ren walks to the door and looks at Stimpy one last time before opening the door, which releases all the water out. Stimpy is still crying as he exits. Cut to Ren outside the house, slowly walking away from it. He tears up as he hears Stimpy scream one last time. The roof of the house gets shot up and a few windows break as he screams, and he resumes crying. Ren covers his ears from the noise and then gets even more teary-eyed. He slowly begins walking away as we see him walk past some cows, a few streets, and a street with a bunch of rubberhose-styled characters in the background. We fade to him walking from a different angle as it appears to be sunset, and then fade again to him walking through an alleyway. We fade again to a pan down of the alleyway as we see Ren walk towards the screen, kicking a can while doing so. It then fades to him walking towards the help center. He looks up and then resumes walking. He opens the door and enters inside. We fade to him going up an elevator, as he opens the door and continues walking. As he walks, we see a sign that says stuff like “YAK’S HEAD IMPORTS” and “HELP”. We then cut to Ren at the door, which says “Dr. Mr. Horse Professional” on it. He opens the door, and we see Mr. Horse at his desk, smoking a pipe. Ren walks towards his desk, as Mr. Horse looks down at him.]

Ren: I'm a terrible person, doc. I'm mean to everybody and I'm especially mean to those who love me the most. I've got issues! But I'm not crazy or anything!

Dr. Mr. Horse: Of course not, Mr. Hoek. Let's just calm down. It's perfectly normal to be nervous talking to a professional. Now relax and we'll see just how sick you really are, shall we?

Ren: Okay.

Ren's Dad: Son, did you mangle this poor frog?

Ren: No.

Ren's Dad: Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Frog: You're not gonna kill me?

Ren: Does it still hurt?

Frog: Oh God yes! My every nerve is on fire!

Ren: Have a wonderful life!

Ren: That was the last time I ever heard of that frog. And then, it’s a bit-a fuzzy. [Scratches his head while saying this] But soon came the onset of…”poo-perty”. And I met Stimpy. What a silly eediot. Why, I remember the first time I slapped Stimpy. He hardly even felt it. [Clenches his fists] So I hit him harder, and HARDER… but he wouldn’t go down! [Record scratch as we cut to Mr. Horse. Ren calms down and lays back on the couch and smiles. Cut again to Mr. Horse, who still has his notepad]

Dr. Mr. Horse: [While writing on his notepad] This uh, Stimpy fellow. Do you love him? [Ren suddenly gets angry]

Ren: No! Don’t speak to me of LOVE! [Mr. Horse looks back to the screen. The next shot depicts Mr. Horse with a realistic head] I loathe the word! [He lays back down as Mr. Horse goes back to his regular form] Anyways, it’s not like that. He is my friend. Just a friend

Dr. Mr. Horse: [Grunts] Tell me more about this, uh, Stimpy fellow. [Ren holds on to the couch]

Ren: Well…lately, I have been beating Stimpy mercilessly. Today I did something…so horrible…even for ME!

Dr. Mr. Horse: [Moves closer to Ren] What did you do, Mr. Höek?

Ren: [Hides his face] I don’t want to talk about it

Dr. Mr. Horse: Come on, Mr. Höek. It’s time to dig. Dig it out for me. [Scene cuts to zoom in to their eyes] What did you do to Stimpy?

Ren: Well…okay. [Gestures Mr. Horse to come closer. He then whispers in his ear about what he did] And then… [Whispers more into Mr. Horse’s ear] And then I… [Whispers very close to his ear] And finally I… [Shoves his head into his ear and whispers. Mr. Horse gets a scared look on his face as Ren finishes. Mr. Horse moves away as Ren sighs in relief. We cut to Mr. Horse with an old guy holding a carrot. He hands him the carrot, which he eats]

Guy: Easy girl, easy.

[Ren has told Dr. Mr. Horse what he did to Stimpy.]

Ren: Well doc, I certainly feel better now that I've got that off of my chest. So what do you think is wrong with me?

Dr. Mr. Horse: You want to know what's wrong with you. [Ren nods] Do you really want to know what's wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with you. [punches Ren in the face] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

Ren: Crazy?!

Dr. Mr. Horse: That's right! You need to be locked up, away from decent, normal people! What kind of a lunatic are you!? You just walk up to strangers on the street and tell them "Hey mister, you wanna hear some sick stories of my twisted youth?"?!

Ren: I don't understand! I came to you for help! I bared my soul to you! I told you all my darkest secrets! And now you tell me I'm crazy?! WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHOLOGIST ARE YOU?!

Dr. Mr. Horse: Psychologist?! Are you nuts?! I'm a horse! You crazy son of a bitch! I'm gonna beat the living hell out of you! [He starts punching Ren in the face. Eventually Ren dodges and looks around and grabs a telephone, which he uses to smack Mr. Horse in the face. Ren then jumps him and starts to scratch him. Mr Horse frantically tries to get the gun from earlier, but the gun drops on the floor. Ren bites his arm, but then notices the gun. He grabs it and starts to violently beat Mr. Horse with it. He smacks him with it for a bit until Mr. Horse goes unconscious. We hear sirens in the background as Ren gets exhausted. Soon, the looney bin guys come in as they see that Ren has fully gone mad, with fiz coming from his mouth. One of the guys tries to get him, but Ren rips his hand off and eats it. The other guy ends up catching him with the stick as Ren squirms around violently. The guys walk off, with the guy whose hand got ripped off bleeding. We pan over to the window as we see Ren in the truck, spazzing and going insane. The truck drives off, and inside, we see the frog from earlier enter. He crawls over to the gun and puts it in his mouth. After a few attempts, he pulls the trigger and his brains get blown out. He sheds a tear as the episode irises out. We end on a Looney Tunes parody card with Ren, Stimpy, Mr. Horse, the frog, and the handless guy, which says “That’s it Folks!”]

Ren: We made it, Stimpy! No more eating filthy socks out of garbage cans! No more destitute living! We've arrived! We're gonna be wheels! We'll be running the firehouse! Living high on the hog!

[Ren and Stimpy celebrate by dancing and playing flute music.]

Ren: And all because the chief loves us!

Fire Chief: Pals like to punch each other, right? [Stimpy nods and Ren shakes his head; the Fire Chief lets his stomach out onto the table, knocking their plates to the floor with a crash] Go ahead Eddie, give it your best shot!

Ren: How many partners are there that are best friends, too? Right, partner?

[The fire chief is reminded of his older partners, and becomes emotional.]

Fire Chief: [yelling] Screw you, Charlie! Screw you, Lucy! [sadly] Do you love me, Tommy? Tommy, do you love me?

Stimpy: He loves you. Tommy loves you, Chief.

Fire Chief: SHUT UP! I wanna hear it from Tommy's lips.

[Ren speaks in a strained voice as Stimpy moves his lips.]

Ren: I... love... you...

Fire Chief: Good!

[The fire chief is unable to flush his poop down the toilet.]

Fire Chief: Yikes! Hey, fellas, get rid of this thing! My date's gonna be here any minute!

Stimpy: Yes, sir! I'm on that.

[Stimpy starts plunging the toilet. The fire chief hears his date's car outside.]

Fire Chief: Cripes, she's here!

[Stimpy plunges the toilet faster.]

Fire Chief: Get rid of it quick, Eddie! You don't want to make me look bad in front of my date, do ya?!

[The fire chief hears the elevator coming up.]

Fire Chief: Kill it! She's gettin' outta the elevator! Take care of it, Eddie, hurry up!

[Stimpy tries to plunge the toilet even harder. The fire chief hears the doorbell and panics.]

Fire Chief: She's here! She's at the door! FLUSH IT, FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT, YOU IDIOT!

[Stimpy throws the plunger away and tries to flush the toilet, but it doesn't work either.]

Stimpy: I can't! It doesn't wanna go!

Fire Chief: Smash it down, asshole!

[Stimpy falls from the chain and falls flat on the toilet.]

Fire Chief: DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING!!! SMASH IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

[The fire chief frantically growls at Stimpy as he tries other methods to get rid of the poop, but it's no use. Just then, the chief's date knocks at the door and rings the doorbell, making him even more frantic.]

Fire Chief: Get rid of it now, or I'll cut you down to 10 percent!

[Ren is horrified upon hearing this. The chief's date knocks on the door again.]

Fire Chief: 5 PERCENT!

[Ren starts panicking. The chief's date continues ringing the doorbell.]

Fire Chief: 2 PERCENT!!!

Ren: [screams at Stimpy] Do something, you eediot, or we'll lose everything!

[Having no other choice, Stimpy pulls the poop out of the toilet with his hands.]

Ren: Stimpy, how big is that thing?!

Stimpy: It's bigger than a baby, Ren!

[Stimpy runs off with the poop.]

Fire Chief: Atta boy, Tommy, go! Not the front door, you idiot! Use the fire escape! Go, go, go, go, go!

[The fire chief wakes up in the middle of the night.]

Fire Chief: [screams; panicking] Circus midgets! They're everywhere! Pull 'em off me, daddy! I can't stand 'em! They're crawlin' on me! They're eatin' me alive! Aah, aah! Pull 'em off me!

Fire Chief: I love you guys. You're fired.

Stimpy: Wow, Ren! What a great idea you had to come to the beach today. I didn’t know you’re in to such clean, wholesome fun.

Stimpy: I'm not afraid of anything living. But when it comes to spooks, them spooks give me the heebie-jeebies!

Ren: Stimpy!

Stimpy: [Takes a step forward, holding the cross up forward] You can’t hurt me!

Ren: Oh, Stimpy!

Stimpy: [Takes another step forward] I’m not afraid of you! [Swipes his cross] Get ‘em, Jesus!

Ren: What the hell are you doing up there?!

Stimpy: Away-ko! Away-ka-bo!

Ren: Stimpy, if you don’t get over here this instant…!

Stimpy: Go away, spooks! [Swipes his cross]

Ren: I’m gonna make you wish you were dead! [Stimpy gasps again as we cut back to Ren looking through the pipe]

Ren: You eediot! You woke me up in the middle of a perfect dream!

Stimpy: Don't you lay a hand on me. Not in my condition.

Ren: Condition? What condition?

Stimpy: I've been trying to figure out how to tell you!

Ren: Tell me what?! Spit it out, man!

Stimpy: I'm gonna have your... BABY!!!

Ren: WHAAAAAT?! I'll take care of that!

[Ren finds a coat hanger and attempts to use it on Stimpy.]

Stimpy: [screams] Don't you DARE put that nasty instrument in me!

Ren: You said you used protection!

Stimpy: I thought I was barren! You must have powerful seed! [crying] FORGIVE ME, REN!

Ren: Get away from me! Sorceress! [turns away from Stimpy] Crap! Crap! Crap! We haven't had a job... in six years! What are we going to raise him on? KITTY LITTER?!

Stimpy: Calm down, Ren.

Ren: Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! YOU ASK ME TO CALM DOWN?! You're the one that's p-p-p... POISONED!

Stimpy: Poisoned? Is that what you call it? That poison is our lovechild. Just think, Ren. It could be a little you running around here.

Ren: Stimpy, there are millions of people watching you! Be decent!

[Stimpy tries to hide his stomach, but exposes his breasts instead.]

Ren: Eek! This is a family network!

Ren: Make way for new life!

• The Ren & Stimpy Show